S1, E5: "6th Grade Girls" / "The Baseball"

"6th Grade Girls"


Arnold and Gerald catch the eyes of two sixth grade girls at the community pool who undoubtedly look and act like they're in tenth grade, at least.

I've always questioned why the kids on this show seem to be able to go wherever they want without adult supervision--they go to the movies alone, take trains by themselves... I bet they don't even ask for their parents' permission when going on the Internet. Yeah, we all know those commercials.

I suppose they're always alone so that adults wouldn't get in the way and make things awkward (how's that for an argument for Mom and Dad to let you go out by yourself?!), but jeez, these pre-puberty kids don't even act like children. I'm freaking 22 years old and still have to go grocery shopping with my mother. Either these kids' parents don't give a shit, or this city is walled-in and monitored 1984-style with customary futuristic security lasers that'll roast your balls off if you even think about harming a child.

So, the blonde one is Connie and the Hispanic one is Maria. I initially thought she was black, but after looking her up, it turns out she's Hispanic. Go figure. Ooh, fun fact: Maria is voiced by Mayim Bialik, AKA Blossom from Blossom and Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory.

So, the girls start talking about how Arnold and Gerald are kind of cute, and aren't huge dilweeds like Tommy and Burt. So, they gesture for the boys to come over to talk to them, and they start playing it cool, much like Arnold and Gerald, who lie about being in the sixth grade just to make themselves seem less like children desperate for an over-the-shirt boob grope and more like mature "men."

"We're so mature, we don't eat vegetables. Short guys are all the rage, anyway."

This next quick scene reminds me of The Godfather for reasons I cannot explain. It's a running gag for Tommy, Maria's boo, to yell "Hey, Maria, come ova here!" in a very Brooklyn-Italian accent, and then Maria would yell back for him to come over where she is instead, and this exchange would go back and forth for a bit until Tommy gives up and is like, "Fuck you!" but in kid-friendly language, because that would be inappropriate otherwise. It's strange--despite the fact that I don't curse in real life, I would love to see a kids show with kids mouthing off like that. A legit kids show, not an adult show masquerading as one.

So, Connie and Maria have a quick conference, and then straight-up ask Arnold and Gerald to the upcoming school dance. The boys coolly accept, and then when they walk away, we find out immediately that Connie and Maria only asked them out to piss off their douchey boyfriends. I don't understand why they don't just break up with them and date Arnold and Gerald instead. Wait, what am I saying? Again, puberty first, then dating.

Anyway, Saturday rolls around, and we know this because it's spelled out in big, orange letters on the screen. Gerald comes over with a black suitcase and starts talking with annoying 1970s lingo which makes me think he's been rummaging through his parents' old junk for stuff to impress Connie and Maria. He shows Arnold all of the embarrassing threads his dad wore in an attempt to bone his mother, and even shows him a self-help book for nerds: Cool Moves For Happenin' Dudes.

There's a reason why so much of the 70s has stayed in the 70s.

Arnold is smart enough to realize that all this weird 70s stuff is totally wacked, so he tries to back out, but Gerald so desperately wants just a bit of their sixth-gradeness rubbed off on him that he puts on a big, patriotic speech to get Arnold back into the spirit of lying and deception.

And this next screenshot is all anyone will ever need in order to form a solid opinion on this plan:

You know how we have 70s Halloween costumes? Maybe in 20 years, kids will be running up and down the streets in fake neckbeards and thick-rimmed glasses and asking "Netflix and chill?" while holding out biodegradable candy bags.

Later that evening, Arnold and Gerald show up at Maria's house. Her dad answers the door and what kind of timewarp have we entered?

I'm sure even in the 70s, this would have been a parody of the 70s.

Truly, Arnold and Gerald are the original hipsters.

By the way, have you noticed that Arnold and Gerald are practically the size of toddlers? Even in those platform shoes, they can't even reach the doorknob. I don't know if it's the animation style, or if we're supposed to see them as "toddlers" since they're so young.

Maria's dad is skeptical about Arnold and Gerald being sixth graders because they're so short, and then Arnold and Gerald repeat their same "we never ate our vegetables" shtick again. Maria's father angrily offers the boys some nuts, and then calls out to Maria, "Maria, come ova here!" Oh, boy, that is quite uncomfortable. Why would her boyfriend and father have the same speech pattern?

So, the girls come downstairs in plain, skimpy clothing (you'll see what I mean), and because they're not dressed in bellbottoms with afros, they quickly become uncomfortable upon realizing they made a big mistake.

Is that a taxi or a limousine?!

The girls pay the dirt cheap $7 cab fare because this is a modern world with progressive gender roles, but Arnold and Gerald are upset because, according to the book, they were the ones who were "supposed" to pay cab fare, but they didn't bring any money. How did they expect to get down to the school? Surely they had to have brought change for the bus. Or did they think they would walk there?

So, they walk into the gym, and everyone's having a grand old--oops, I mean--this place is outta sight! Gotta stick with the theme here.

As the girls pull Arnold and Gerald onto the floor to dance, the girls' boyfriends show up and are like, "WTF is going on here?"

So then Maria tells Tommy that she's with her date, and then the boys get so insulted that they need to drown their elementary sorrows with a round of shots... of fruit punch, of course.

And then they start to dance. And I must say, despite taking advice from a nerdy book, they're not half bad.

It's funny how all of a sudden, the school dance went from a normal dance to a 70s-themed one just because Arnold and Gerald are in costume.

Meanwhile, Tommy is dangerously close to being suggested for a PA meeting--Punch-a-holics Anonymous.

Arnold and Gerald are feeling good about being considered "cool" by Connie and Maria. They go off to the bathroom to reapply their whoreish makeup. Meanwhile, Tommy is almost cut off from punch after he's had more than the legal limit--what is it, three cups for a BUI--biking while intoxicated?

That looks like the Walmart logo on those cups. 

Tommy and Burt overhear Arnold telling Gerald he can't wait to cop a feel, so they pull them outside to beat the shit out of them.

Before they even get a chance to snap their arms, Connie and Maria come outside and start yelling at Tommy and Burt to let them go, and they order them to wait for them at the bus stop. Tommy and Burt sheepishly agree, because they are pathetic cowards who only look tough (not even, but ehh). I still can't believe how hilarious this situation is--Tommy and Burt are essentially getting kid drunk as a way to get over the fact that their girlfriends want to dance with cuter, less pricky boys. Again, I don't understand why Connie and Maria don't break up with them. Not that they have to date Arnold and Gerald, but they act like they're married to these boys and don't have much of a choice other than to stay with them.

After Connie and Maria kick everyone back inside, they apologize to Arnold and Gerald for leading them on, but because they're still tinkerin' for those tools, and because they're only fourth graders, nothing can happen between them. At least for now. But they tell them that they're far out, and that girls would be lining up to ride their dicks when they get older. I make it sound dirtier than how they actually say it, but it's actually really sweet. So, Connie and Maria thank them for escorting them to the dance, and then they each get their kiss.

And then Tommy yells out, "Hey, Maria! Get ova here!" I'm surprised they didn't see the big, fat smooches they gave Arnold and Gerald.


"The Baseball"

Arnold is officially tripping on acid:

In reality, Arnold is spacing out while playing baseball with his friends. He keeps striking out, which gives all the kids a perfect opportunity to start taunting the shit out of him.

Harold dangles his genuine imitation baseball in Arnold's face before he winds up the pitch. The ball goes flying in Arnold's direction, but suddenly makes a very disturbing arc over his head and right into Helga's glove. Holy Hell, someone call Sam and Dean Winchester, because we've got something supernatural up in Hillwood. Honestly, there was no logical reason for that ball to do that.

Arnold then prepares for his third attempt at hitting the ball, spitting on his bat and shaking his butt like Mickey Kaline, according to Harold. In a moment of either sheer luck or more supernaturality, Arnold whacks the ball with incredible power, sending it flying into baseball heaven, where Babe Ruth and Jackie Robinson are looking down on Arnold, and gently placing a baseball-shaped halo over his head while the crowds of former baseball games cheer faintly in the background.

And then Harold starts crying and chasing down his ball.

As the kids walk back home from the game, Arnold talks about how he was able to whack the ball so far by pretending to be Mickey Kaline, which prompts Eugene to ask who he is. Wait, what? Didn't Eugene attach a Mickey Kaline baseball card to the spokes of his bike back in episode 1? And even if my memory fails me and it was some other player, wouldn't Eugene at least have heard of him since he's a baseball fan? It's not like Mickey is some back alley player no one knows about. He's pretty famous in the Hey Arnold! world.

So then Arnold stops, opens his backpack, and pulls out a safe. Yes, a goddamn safe. A safe about a cubic foot in size. Why does Arnold walk around with a safe in his backpack? Is this a regular thing he does? How much could that thing possibly weigh? And why does no one raise an eyebrow at the fact that Arnold was carrying a safe in his backpack?

What else does he carry in there? A mini fridge? A TV? How about a stereo system with a 5-disk CD changer and surround sound?

Out of the safe, Arnold pulls out his Mickey Kaline baseball card, and starts listing off his stats which, quite frankly, bore me. Still, that's quite a coincidence that Arnold has that safe for that very moment. And then, Arnold hears Ernie shouting about how Mickey Kaline is shit.

Arnold runs over to where Ernie and the local butcher, Mr. Green, are watching the latest game on TV, and Mickey Kaline has apparently gotten himself into such a slump that he has decided to retire after tomorrow's game.

It also doesn't help that the announcer is basically leading Mickey into his career grave by telling the audience that he's lost all his skills, and that there will never be another player like him ever again. Harsh. But hey, that's American media for you.

Arnold declares that he and Gerald have to go to Mickey's last game, but alas, they're pauper at the moment.

Apparently, Mickey Kaline plays for the Boston Red Sox:

Here, it's actually the Black Sox, as per the logo throughout the episode, but the sock on that pennant on the left is most definitely red.

Grandpa comes into Arnold's room after taking an old man shit and asks what's eating him. Arnold tells Grandpa the situation, and about how he doesn't have any money, so Grandpa reminds Arnold about the money he earned from some off-screen dog washing business. With Arnold's back turned, Grandpa reaches into his wallet and slaps down a few extra dollars to help Arnold out. Arnold returns with a money jar that says: THIS IS NOT MONEY for some reason, probably to (not) thwart thieves or prevent Arnold from blowing it all on bubble gum, and it turns out he has enough money. Arnold runs out to buy the tickets, but then Grandpa realizes he gave Arnold a $50 bill instead of a $5, so now he has to chase him down and crush his spirit.

The next day, Arnold and Gerald go to the stadium to buy their tickets, and because Arnold announces that Grandpa took back his $50, he only has enough for the two tickets and one hot dog. Gerald gets pissed, and then some shady guy in a jacket looks over and offers them two tickets for half price. Well, that certainly is nice of him... or is it?

It turns out, Arnold and Gerald are stuck with the worst seats in the stadium, behind a podium all the way in the upper level. Well, kids, what have we learned today?

But hey, now they're able to afford two hot dogs! And even a novelty hat!

Honestly, I'd rather get great seats and no food, instead of shit seats and adequate food. When I go to hockey games with my boyfriend and his mom (she's a huge fan), we get decent seats pretty high up in the arena. We almost never get food because it's so damn expensive. The Islanders recently moved to Barclays Center in Brooklyn for reasons, and when we went there for the first time last week, we found out a bottle of water there is $5.50. I think it was only $5.00 at the Nassau Coliseum. Imagine how much it would have cost to buy the amount of food Arnold and Gerald bought. Probably would have been a down payment on a car.

As if things couldn't be any worse, the crowd's foot-stomping causes a patch of plaster to fall on Arnold's head. Hmm... I smell a lawsuit.

Next to Blake Gripling, Arnold is adorable when he's pissed off.

Arnold calls out for some peanuts, but when they fall out of his glove and into the drain, it's the straw that breaks the camel's back, and Arnold decides he's going down to the lower level, and he doesn't give a flying fuck that he'll be thrown out for being in a restricted area. The security guards chase Arnold down in a rather cartoonish way (yeah, I know that this is a cartoon), but Arnold manages to escape them.

Mickey Kaline goes up to bat, and he whacks it real good--well, not really, because it heads for the crowd, and Arnold reaches just far enough to catch it in his glove. Amazing!

Meanwhile, Arnold's family and the boarders have been watching the game on TV the whole time, and witnessed this historical moment. Arnold is still chased by the security guards, with the announcer making fun of his weird-shaped head. Oh, come now, that's not nice.

Later that day, Arnold returns home to show off his fantastic catch, and sees Mickey Kaline being interviewed on TV about his retirement. He says he's going to miss baseball, since it was is whole life, and then he and the interviewer start to cry. And then Arnold starts to feel bad, so he locks himself up in his room so he can toss his new ball up in the air.

Grandpa comes in, and asks why Arnold is so down, considering he just saw his favorite baseball player and caught his home run ball on national TV. But Arnold is still down because Mickey Kaline has given him so much, and wishes he could do something in return. First wold problems. And then Grandpa gets an idea.

He drives Arnold back to the stadium, where Mickey Kaline is there, alone. How they know he's there, I don't know, but Arnold is let in and gets to meet Mickey face-to-face.

Mickey talks to Arnold about how he's always wanted to play baseball ever since he was a youngin', and it's a really bittersweet moment because this guy seems genuinely sweet and I kind of feel bad that he's retiring. But that's what happens to sports stars. They get old, or they get injured, and they retire. Or die.

And then, before Arnold leaves, he and Mickey shoot the breeze while tossing Mickey's home run ball back and forth until their voices fade into the end of the episode.




Lessons Learned From These Episodes: just be yourself, and in time, the right people will like you; stop trying to be "cool" by rummaging through your parents' attics; don't buy baseball tickets from some shady guy for half-price; it's not worth it to go to your favorite sports player's last game unless you get to meet them in person