S1, E4: "Helga's Makeover" / "The Old Building"

Greetings, everyone! I have great news: A couple of weeks ago, Old School Lane, a fellow blogger group that discusses classic and modern movies, TV, and video games, e-mailed me and is apparently a big fan of As Told by Ginger and As Told by Ginger: Reviewed!, so along with their discussions of the show all October, they had asked me to do an interview with them for their podcast, Casual Chats.

I was like, "Holy crap, seriously?" Not only because someone actually wants to interview me about my blog and ATBG, but these people have interviewed voice actors from Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network--like Janet Varney and Candi Milo. They even had an interview with Craig-Freaking-Bartlett, AKA the creator of Hey Arnold! 

Tonight, I interviewed with its co-founder, Patricia, and was totally nervous. Considering I've never done a podcast before, I was a nervous, stuttering wreck. But I think I did okay. I'll post the podcast when it's uploaded to Old School Lane's page.



"Helga's Makeover"

Rhonda Lloyd, the class rich snob (because every children's show needs a snobby rich kid) distributes invitations to all the girls to her annual slumber party. Naturally, because Helga is rather oafish when it comes to stereotypical girly behavior, she is not invited. Thus, Helga reacts by hocking a giant spitball at the chalkboard.

Classy.

After school, Helga asks her mousy best friend, Phoebe Heyerdahl, to chill on Saturday, but Phoebe gingerly finds the words to say that she's going to Rhonda's slumber party. As Phoebe predicted, Helga explodes over the fact that Phoebe would rather sit around and put on makeup while creaming over Teen Beat celebrities than hocking spitballs with her at gas station dumpsters. All joking aside, Helga actually seems a bit hurt about not being invited, despite the fact that she wouldn't even like Rhonda's party. Perhaps that's why when Phoebe insists she wants to go, Helga gets defensive and tells Phoebe to just go to the party and leave Helga all by her lonesome.

Helga then runs off to where the boys are playing baseball. She tries to cut in, only for Harold to tell Helga that she can't play because they're playing a "boys only" game, and Arnold explains that it's because all the girls are going to be at Rhonda's slumber party. If that's the case, why is the game specifically boys only? Wouldn't it be assumed that only boys would be playing if all the girls are at the party? Whatever. So, Harold quickly figures out that Helga didn't get invited because she isn't "girly" enough, and soon, all the boys, minus Arnold and Gerald, start teasing Helga for not being a "girl." What a bunch of little asses.

Helga gets royally pissed and chases Harold down to beat his ass. Arnold tells Gerald that he almost feels sorry for Helga. Almost, because Helga kind of imposes this big-Bertha-bully attitude on herself.

After beating Harold into tapioca pudding, Helga stomps down the street, mumbling about how she can't believe she's not considered girly enough. To further prove a point, a man accidentally bumps into her, apologizing to the "young man." Ooh, that's just harsh. I mean, come on. If you've got a pink dress, a high-pitched voice, and obvious pigtails, you can act as "mannish" as you'd like and I'd still know you're a girl.

P.S.--notice how Helga says, "What a bunch of crap!" when she's stomping down the street? Back in '96, words like "crap" and "ass" were allowed in minute doses on Nickelodeon. I miss those days. Now, Nickelodeon can't even properly insult anyone anymore. I remember an episode of iCarly where Nevel hacks into the webshow, throws on a long black wig pretending to be Carly, and starts singing about how iCarly sucks. It went something along the lines of to the tune of "Old MacDonald:"

"I hate iCarly so much. IT IS REALLY BAAAAD." Honestly? That's the best this kid could come up with? And this was supposed to be a kid who did online reviews. The first time I saw that scene, I got severe secondhand embarrassment, and that was also the day I decided I was too old for these kinds of shows. I was about 14 or 15~past the target audience for iCarly. But still--if I love shows like As Told by Ginger and Hey Arnold!, which is meant for younger kids, it's the shows that are the problem, not me.

Helga, jealous and curious, sneaks over to Rhonda's house, pokes her head in her bedroom window, and watches in raging horror Rhonda making fun of Helga to all the other girls. Now that's just mean.

Sure, Helga is a bully. And she does push people around and tell them to fuck off every chance she gets, but teasing her behind her back is still just as mean, and is really no better than what Helga does to them.

Helga gets insulted at the painfully accurate, albeit mean-spirited, mocking. But it's when Phoebe actually starts laughing at Rhonda's impersonations that Helga decides something must be done. Helga? Caring what other people think of her? Great Scott! I think we've entered an alternate universe, Marty.

Helga heads into the corner store to pick up her favorite monthly reads, along with a copy of Preteen Miss, the Hey Arnold! version of Seventeen magazine. Rather, she might be using the tougher magazines as a way to disguise the fact that she's buying a (pre)teen magazine. Kind of like how some people try to hide the fact that they're buying condoms buy loading the checkout counter with a bunch of random items like cat food, bleach, and a box of thumbtacks. Please. Show some confidence! When I was in high school, my friend and I went into the corner drugstore, and she had asked me to buy a pregnancy test for her since she was too embarrassed to do it herself. What 16-year-old wouldn't be? I went up there with just the pregnancy test, paid for it, and walked out. No shame. Though I don't think that counts since I wasn't the one who slept with the boyfriend I was encouraged to avoid, since he was an ass and a half. Oh, sorry. TMI.

What I learned from that is this: while you may feel embarrassed to buy certain items, whether they're a pregnancy test or a girly magazine or whatever, by hiding it from yourself, you're inadvertently convincing yourself that you should be ashamed, and that you have no business buying it. Be honest with yourself and own up to your mistakes or morbid curiosity, and you'll feel a hell of a lot better.

Writer senses tingling... it's T-A-T-T-O-O-S!

As Gerald's mother, Mrs. Johanssen,  rings up the magazines for Helga, Preteen Miss, of course, isn't scanning, so Mrs. Johanssen loudly calls out for a price check on the magazine, specifically stating that it's the issue that contains horribly-contrived info on how to make ugly girls pretty. Everyone in the store turns to stare at Helga, having heard that, making Helga's face turn as red as tomato. Now that's just messed up!

Helga is struggling to come up with a good explanation as to how and why that magazine got mixed up with the others, and basically says "Might as well buy it since it's there." Wow, I still can't believe that happened. How humiliating!

So then, Helga runs home, into the bathroom, and uses the magazine's tips to aid in her makeover.

If you catch it quickly, you'll see there's an animation error in which Helga tosses the Preteen Miss magazine into the garbage, but then the camera will pan to the same magazine in her hands.

Softcore porn music plays in the background as Helga begins her makeover, but then it quickly pauses as Miriam starts turning the doorknob, trying to find out why Helga locked it. This is starting to become a running gag on this show where Helga is doing something rather questionable behind a locked door, and Miriam starts banging on the door trying to figure out what Helga is doing in there. If The Patakis was ever greenlit, you can bet your bottom dollar Miriam would do the same thing when Helga starts masturbating with the end of a Sharpie marker for the first time. Helga is able to shoo her away to continue painting her face.

After a while, Miriam knocks again, telling Helga that her father has to take a shit, so Helga hurries up and opens the door, revealing her new look to Miriam, who faints in response. Of course, we're not going to be able to see what Helga has done to herself until she gets to Rhonda's house.

As all the guys are out eating falafels, Sid comes by with word that he saw Helga on her way to Rhonda's house "all dolled up" like a girl, and Harold's like, "Oh, I gotta see this shit." So he announces that they're all going to crash the party.

So, Helga rings the bell, Rhonda opens the door, and HOLY MOLY STRUMBOLI:

I have SO many questions.

First of all, WHAT THE HELL?!

Secondly, what does Helga have in her dress masquerading as fake tits?

Third, WHAT THE HELL?!

I have many things to say about Helga's horrible makeover, starting with her shaggy bob hairstyle that kind of looks like Arnold's hair. It makes her look 40. Second, she may have tweezed that ugly unibrow she had, but her eyebrows still needs to be shaped. And those shoes totally don't match her--ahh, what am I saying?! She looks like a hooker. There. I said it. A very cheap hooker. Then again, what constitutes as an expensive hooker?

Ans where did she get that teenage body? Despite Helga's amorous behaviors towards her Arnold shrines, the girl has not started puberty yet. I bet she also stuck something to her hips to make them stick out like that.

Everyone is in awe at Helga's "fantastic" new look. Along with looking the part, Helga attempts to act the part by speaking very civil and politely, though spreading her knees open isn't helping her "girly" physique. Old habits die hard, I know.

This becomes even more uncomfortable to watch when Helga starts dumping Miriam's makeup on Rhonda's bed and attempts to give tips to Nadine, including pulling a tube of coral nail polish out of her mysterious cleavage.

"I'd say you're really more of a cooooral." - Helga

The boys gear up to go crash Rhonda's party. Was it really necessary to don the warpaint and turtlenecks?

Rhonda and the girls head to the kitchen to do facials with what looks like a homemade guacamole mask mix, and Helga pulls more stuff out of her cleavage, this time a piece of paper with fancy "girly" words to use as yet another tactic to appear more girly. Along with the piece of paper comes a cotton ball, which I'm guessing is what's stuffed down the front of Helga's dress. Phoebe picks it up, makes an angry face, and pulls Helga aside. She asks what the hell she's doing, but instead of fessing up to her insecurities, Helga continues her faux girly act. Phoebe says she doesn't like the new Helga because she's a total fake, but Helga tries to reassure Phoebe that she can be just as beautiful and womanly as everyone else, followed by a chug of soda and a burp.

Helga and Phoebe return to the kitchen to find that everyone else has already started applying the guacamole mask, and judging by the sharp music, they all look scary. Sheena leads Helga to the chair so Rhonda can apply the mask, and before it hits her face, Helga snaps out of it and calls off the whole routine.

She calls everyone out on how stupid it is to wear makeup and put on anti-aging facial masks, considering they haven't even hit puberty yet.

Meanwhile, the boys huddle up outside Rhonda's kitchen window to scare the living daylights out of them.

Rhonda explains that doing all this makeup stuff is what girls do, and that it's fun, and then asks what Helga considers to be fun. The boys outside are making noise, so the girls go to investigate. They pull back the curtains, and:

Despite Brainy looking quite pleased with what he sees, the boys run away in horror at the green goop monsters. The girls run outside and chase after them (they seem to be doing this a lot on this show). Harold, of course, trips and falls, which means the girls are able to ambush him. As punishment, he is captured, tied to a chair, and subjected to a very ugly makeover. And you know, it's actually quite relieving that Harold is a boy, because he makes a hell of an ugly woman.

Helga turns to Phoebe and deems this to be a party more her style--humiliating and torturing boys. Yup, that's totally healthy. But we all know Helga isn't mentally healthy to begin with.




"The Old Building"

Looks like Arnold beat Miley Cyrus to it:

Arnold most certainly came in like a wrecking ball.

But that was just a fantasy. Arnold is down at the junkyard with his good friend and fellow boarder, Ernie Potts, who is teaching him how to use a wrecking ball. Before he lets Arnold Hulk Smash a wall, he runs over to his little boombox and plays some Dino Spumoni--a painfully obvious Frank Sinatra parody. Ernie gushes over his favorite lounge singer, whose song inspired him to go into demolition. That's pretty cool.

Ernie instructs Arnold to pull the lever, and he obliterates a brick wall in front of him.

HULK SMASH.

I suppose to counteract the previous girly episode, we start off with some rough n' tough manly smashing.

Ernie tells Arnold he's a natural at destroying things, and that he'd definitely get him into demolition. He even gives Arnold a demolition nickname: Bill. Lucky kid--at least once he gets older, he has an alternative career path waiting for him in case his dream job doesn't work out. Oh, come on. We all know Arnold is destined to be a spiritual guru or actually respected politician someday.

Notice all the names of the wrecking balls as Arnold and Ernie walk by: Big Bertha, Black Thunder, T. Minnie Martoonis, Judgement Day, and The Terminator. I know Judgement Day and The Terminator reference each other, but I can't find any information on what T. Minnie Martoonis is in reference to.

Ernie introduces Arnold, er, I mean "Bill" to one of his demo friends, and Arnold is asked if he would join Ernie to be his "son" at Ernie's 500th demo event on Wednesday. Arnold is happy to be Ernie's fake son.

Arnold returns home to Grandma preparing for a protest against the destruction of Circle Theatre, the place where she and Grandpa had their first date, and where Dino Spumoni made it big time with the same song Ernie was playing at the junkyard earlier. And I suppose you can see the conflict in this plot already. Anyway, we get a flashback of Grandma and Grandpa's first date:

Arnold, unaware that Ernie is 99% going to be demolishing this very same theatre, agrees to help Grandma protest its demolition.

Later, Ernie pulls Arnold into his room to show him the little model he made of the building he's going to demolish, and what do you know? It's the Circle Theatre. He demonstrates how he's going to knock it down, and all the rubble and memories that'll go along with it. Arnold then realizes his huge mistake, because Ernie is beyond ecstatic to be able to share this significant moment with him, as the point that marks his entrance into the "500 Club" with his buddies. He hopes to God Arnold would be there to support him, since he's been let down so much in his life and cannot take any more disappointments. Jeez Louise, what a dilemma! It's not enough that it's a coincidence that Arnold has inadvertently agreed to help preserve and knock down the same building, but now he's in a catch-22 situation where he will fuck up his relationship with either Ernie or his grandmother if he chooses a side.

I mean honestly, of all the buildings Ernie would be better off knocking down--like crackhouses and questionable Chinese buffets, it had to be Circle Theatre! What a weight on Arnold's shoulders!

So, Arnold goes to Grandpa for help. As Arnold explains his situation, Grandpa realizes this is a dilemma he can't solve either, so he dashes out of there before Arnold starts asking more questions.

So, Arnold then decides he won't be involved in either project, which then leads to Grandma and Ernie getting into a huge argument at dinner.

Arnold screams in stress, then leaves the boarding house to go down to Circle Theatre himself. From the outside, it's all dilapidated and run down. Inside, it looks much worse. Arnold really should not be walking around inside there. Who knows if there are broken pieces of plywood or holes in the floor? Or even a hobo with a knife? Arnold is putting himself in a lot of danger here.

Anyway, he finds Dino Spumoni's sheet music on one of the tables, and gets a big idea. So big, that his smile stretches across the length of his abnormally wide head.

Not cool, man. Not cool.

Arnold runs out to make a phone call, to the local orphanage to come take him so he can be adopted to a quieter family, I bet.

The next morning, Grandma and Ernie are still at each other's throats ready to protest and demolish, but they insist on waiting for Arnold so they can begin. Grandpa even asks Grandma why she's chained herself up to the building. She isn't budging, eve if Ernie has to run her down with his machine himself.

Have you noticed that Grandma is wearing the same dress as on her first date in her flashback?

Ernie decides, "Fuck it, I'm knocking this old pile of wood down," and drives closer and closer to the building until he's in range to take the first swing. The nanosecond he pulls the lever, Arnold rolls up in a swanky white limo and tells everyone to cool it. The mayor, Mayor Dixie, steps out and introduces the townsfolk to the one and only, Dino Spumoni.

Whoa, Arnold got a hold of Dino Spumoni? How'd he even get through to him in the first place? And even if he did, how did Dino find the time to agree to meet in Arnold's neighborhood--right on time? Certainly a big name like him has to work around a schedule. Between all his cruise ship performances and world travels, how did Dino come the very next day? I bet that was his only day off, and then when Arnold called, he was like, "Aw, shit. Now I gotta give up my massages and 10:30 tea to go save an old building I sang in over 50 years ago."

Ernie and Grandma are starstruck as Dino talks about his rise to fame at Circle Theatre (as well as his many assaults against annoying photographers). He thanks Arnold for bringing the demolition of the theatre to his attention, and says that his legacy there is too important to be brought down via wrecking ball, so the Circle should be here to stay.

Oh, please. Are we supposed to believe that Dino Spumoni was the only one who has ever played at that theatre? Where are the other musicians, bands, and lounge singers who got their start there? Aren't they just as important? Anyway, Mayor Dixie declares that Circle Theatre is a city landmark, therefore it can never be demolished. Okay, that's nice, but who's going to pay for its renovation? If no one wanted to renovate it before, wouldn't it be difficult to find a new owner for it now?

Ernie realizes that the Circle Theatre is part of the reason why he went into demolition in the first place, and then starts singing Dino's famous song while trying to dance with him.

And then, because Dino has three slipped disks, aching feet, and arthritis all over, he leaves. Grandma thanks Arnold for pulling through for her, but then Ernie starts arguing that Arnold came through for him, since Arnold stopped him from making a big mistake, and Grandma and Ernie start arguing all over again. And then, just like that, the entire crowd dissipates as if a mustard gas bomb was dropped ten feet from them. Arnold climbs into Ernie's truck to put on Dino's song, and the episode ends.

Lessons Learned From This Episode: you don't need makeup at 9 years old; love who you are; when in doubt, get a common favorite lounge singer to mediate your family's arguments