S2, E37: "Eugene Goes Bad" / "What's Opera, Arnold?"

"Eugene Goes Bad"

Eugene is showing Arnold and Gerald (don't those two ever hang out with anyone else for a change?) his Arnold Schwarzenegger fandom: The Abdicator. The Abdicator? What kind of name for a superhero is that? To abdicate is to not do what you're supposed to. It's like calling a TV villain "The Altruist." Certainly no kid is going to be looking up "abdicate" in the dictionary, so I guess I can let this slide for now. Oh... I get it. Very sneaky, writers. I see where this is going now.

The next morning, there just happens to be a live recording of an episode of The Abdicator. And right in the middle of Hillwood, too. How convenient! Anyway, this Abdicator guy is all sorts of nerdy. One of his lines right before taking a swing at the bad guy is that he protects all citizens, regardless of race, religion, or political jibber-jabber. Is that supposed to be a side PSA to the viewers of the show, or a shoehorned message to us?

I knew Danny Zuko was a bad boy, but I didn't think he was a bad guy.

So, right before the Abdiwhatever knocks the villain clear on his ass, the director brings in the stuntman. Eugene is confused. Basically, this whole ritual is a reminder to us that Hollywood actors are all fake and don't do their own stunts. And then the actor who plays The Abdicator starts whining and being a real asshole because he wants his snacks. Again, this is a reminder to us that not only are actors bitch wimps who can't even punch a guy, but they also use their fame and money to stomp around like a primadonna. Eugene is so furious that he crosses into the set and yells at Arnie for being a bitch-ass wimp (I wonder if someone on the set of this show had a bad experience with Arnold Schwarzenegger because from what I know, he's actually a really nice guy).

Also, I can't stop laughing at that little army of Abdicators on their lunch break. It's adorable to me for some reason.

Arnie makes a fair point through all of Eugene's belittling--he's not really a hero; it's just a role he plays. I can understand Eugene being upset, but to act like an ass to the guy who acts like an ass himself is just doing no one favors. So, Eugene gives up his smiley, upbeat ways to turn to the darkside. Because his "hero" is a fake. What a weenie.

Back at home, Eugene goes through the stereotypical "bad boy" makeover--throwing out all his shit with The Abdicator's face painted on it, donning a black leather jacket, gelling his hair, inserting a toothpick in his mouth so it hangs out the side. If he starts singing "Grease Lightning," his transformation will officially be complete.

The next day at school, Eugene does "bad boy" things like pulling the fire alarm and talking back to Wartz... who does nothing. Typical Wartz. Ooh, and he litters too. So bad! This really isn't bad boy behavior. Eugene's just being a little brat. Remember Frankie G? Of course you do--he was a stereotypical bad boy as well, but his behavior was more rooted in his personality.

 And then there's this kid here who looks so disappointed in Eugene. He will be important to the episode later.

Sometime later, Arnold approaches Eugene and tells him he's changed. Wow, Arnold, you certainly are the perceptive one, aren't you? What tipped you off? If someone needs to be told straight-out Eugene has changed, they must be riding the short bus.

At least Eugene doesn't try to claim he hasn't changed. 

So this is Spot. He used to look up to Eugene as a hero he could "emulate," an example of what he might be when he grows up. Who the hell writes this dialogue? Honestly? Have they never heard a seven-year-old speak? 

This is the kind of kid whose parents started pushing calculus on when he was three.

As wrong as this sounds, I kind of like this bad version of Eugene. I don't know why. Maybe because it suits him, kind of as a middle finger to the world for all the times it's screwed him over. And it kind of works: he's been less clumsy since turning bad. Less clumsy.

We cut back to our good ole Arnie, who was so upset by Eugene calling him out on his fakeness that he couldn't sleep, and even looked up the word "abdicate" in the dictionary, distraught over its actual meaning. Damn, get a grip. But it's nice that he cares so much, considering kids need a hero to look up to. But why a super hero? As they say, not all heroes wear capes... or tights.

And then he goes for a walk to think about his role in life.

Eugene thinks no one cares about him, which we learn is the real reason he's so "bad." So, wait--does he think this all the time? Is this why he latched onto this guy like a facehugger? If it's true that Eugene feels so unloved, that's a whole other issue altogether. I mean, we know Helga has a family that doesn't care for her as much as they do for Olga, and she puts on a nasty persona to push people away, including Arnold.

What exactly goes on in Eugene's household?

Spot goes out past his bedtime because now he's bad. And he somehow ends up dangling off the edge of a fire escape. How the hell does that even happen? Eugene tries to rescue him, because "everyone needs a hero." So I guess that "bad boy" phase is over, huh?

Eugene slips and hangs from the edge by his jacket. Of course he does. Arnie hears them screaming for help and rescues them. Damn. If he hadn't left his limo and been on that very street, both of them would have fallen and died. Perfect timing!

So... how did Spot's parents not hear their seven-year-old kid crying for help? Such negligence. No wonder why this kid looks up to Eugene. My God... is this like Inception?

Everyone is safe now, and that's all that matters. Now, go get some sleep, kid.

"I'm supposed to be in bed by 8:30, right after my favorite show, "Yo Earnest!" - Spot

"What's Opera, Arnold?"

Why is Mr. Packenham escorting Mr. Simmons' class on a field trip? Did Mr. Simmons end up in the hospital from a yoga-related injury? And also, why does the name Packenham sound vaguely sexual?

Jokes aside, the class is on a field trip to the opera, and no one is happy about it. They moan and groan and make fun of the different operas that people put so much hard work into. Mr. Packenham tries to keep an upbeat attitude about the wonders of the classics, though I bet in his mind he's imagining stabbing each and every one of those kids with the spear in the poster.

Today, the class will be seeing Carmen, a tale of power and faithful love--basically a love triangle with our leading lady, a handsome chap, and a bull fighter. All of a sudden, the class is riled up to see this, though I don't see how a Shakespeare-like love story is any less boring to them. Mr. Packenham struggles to word the plot of Carmen into something G-rated, which makes me wonder why he's taking them to see this in the first place. But the whole thing is sung in French, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Everyone goes inside as the show is about to begin. Helga does one of her famous soliloquies, and then spots Ruth in the distance. Why is Ruth on this field trip? I thought this was just Arnold's class. Whatever. Helga wonders what she's doing wrong that Arnold fails to fall into her arms, but then basically tells us why by shoving an usher off-screen while getting to her seat. Bitch.

I must say, this is one beautiful arena. I'm a huge lover of classical architecture, so I'm impressed by all the little details:

That chandelier is gorgeous.

The show begins, and almost immediately, Arnold falls asleep. He dreams that Gerald is a tenor singer, I believe (I could be wrong), and Harold is Pagliacci, the sad clown from the poster outside the opera house. 

After Harold "Pagliacci" runs offstage, Arnold is transported to the set of Carmen where his friends and classmates are all immersed into the set of Carmen. Now, keep in mind, I've never seen the opera, and I'm just going by what I know of it already. Ruth, as Carmen, comes out in traditional Spanish clothing trying to give Arnold a boner by being so damn charming... I'm sorry, did I say charming? She talks about her hair. 

What happened? I thought Arnold didn't like Ruth anymore after realizing she was an airhead. I guess they needed someone to play Arnold's love interest, so maybe the writers want us to forget about the Valentine's Day episode. 

The chorus plays wingman, encouraging Arnold to introduce himself and ask Ruth to dance. Unlike the real world, where Ruth thought Arnold was a busboy, Ruth takes great interest in Arnold here. Maybe she likes his hair. Or his cape. Hey, it's Arnold's dream.

Speaking of the real world, Helga wakes Arnold up for snoring as loud as a truck. Bahahaha!

Act One is over, and then Helga falls asleep. In Helga's version of Carmen, she flies down on the back of a pegasus as a viking and insults Ruth in front of Arnold.

And the best moment in the episode:

"How could you do that, football heeeeeeeead?"
"FOOTBALL HEAD!"
"FOOTBALL HEAD!"

Helga uses her golden magic slingshot to catapult Ruth--I mean drop her under the stage onto a plush floor--and steals Arnold so he can join her on her band of gypsies. 

Right when everything is going perfectly, the handsome and sexy Curly "Escamillo the torador" comes along and steals Helga's heart. Wait, why would Helga dream of Curly as anything other but a psychotic freak?

Though I must say, he is a fantastic singer. And I love how he manages to fit a round vase over Arnold's head. 

Curly showers Helga with gifts, including a ring. Arnold gets angry, and then challenges Curly to a fight with rubber safety swords. Helga loves the attention Arnold is finally giving her. Too bad it's still only in her dreams.

And you know what else? Even in her dreams, she can't get Brainy to stop breathing down her neck. Oh, I would have loved to see him play Escamillo.

Arnold shoves the rubber sword in Curly's armpit, and he's dead.

Helga is finally about to get her kiss from Arnold, but an earthquake strikes the stage and the scene goes black. Helga wakes up, practically in Gerald's lap. I love the realization that neither of them have been paying any attention to their surroundings to have ended up in this awkward situation.

Unfortunately for Helga, her fantasy ended too soon. Awww. Perhaps if you stop being such a bully, Arnold will notice you the way you want him to.

Lessons Learned From These Episodes: everyone needs a hero; if you go out after bedtime, you might die; opera can be fun