S3, E40: "Helga Blabs It All" / "Harold the Butcher"

Ah, these are a couple of great episodes! I remember them very fondly, and can't wait to dive in and nitpick 'em to death! =D


"Helga Blabs It All"

The alternate title to this episode should be, "Helga Fucks Up Big Time."

Helga's at the dentist getting some nasty cavity fillings.

Why is that office so dark? And why does the dentist sound like some soulful R&B artist?

He gives Helga a shot of laughing gas, which is really one of the only legal depressant drugs you can give to a kid. The dentist emphasizes that this gas will soothe Helga's anxieties and make her totally relaxed and comfortable with the procedure. And you know when something is emphasized on TV (when more information than necessary is given), something is about to happen.

By the way, that laughing gas soothes anxiety? I could use some of that...

Helga is then lulled into a Bob Marley haze that even the screen goes foggy. Naturally, since Helga's inhibitions are down, she starts telling the uninterested dentist about her infatuation for Arnold. And then she wonders why she's kept her love for him a secret for so many years. In fact, she's so "inspired" that she runs out into the lobby, calls Arnold's house, and leaves a message on his answering machine--revealing everything. Absolutely everything.

Helga immediately comes back to reality, but it's too late. The message has been recorded, everyone is laughing at her, and Arnold is on his way home with his friends right now. Oh, shit! This is like the epitome of Murphy's Law right here.

Helga runs to the boarding house immediately. Is it really necessary, Helga, to announce that you left a humiliating message and need to erase it somehow? Most kids watching aren't that slow that they wouldn't be able to figure out why you're there. Helga should just consider herself extremely lucky that the boarding house has that one old answering machine for all the boarders instead of individual cell phone voicemail. This is one of those moments where you can wholeheartedly say, without any expression of nostalgia, "I love the 90s (technology)!"

This is also the episode where we're introduced to the Campfire Lass group--a knock-off Girl Scouts--with strong Scottish accents for some reason. Helga beats the bagpipes out of the leader, steals her clothes, and tries to gain access to the boarding house pretending to sell chocolate turtles to Grandpa.

So, is the Campfire Lass leader just half-naked and unconscious in that back alley?

Grandpa ruins the plan by calling out to Arnold, asking if he wants some cookies, and then Helga disappears because she doesn't want Arnold to see her. What was Helga's plan here?

Helga searches the house for the answering machine, and then finds it upstairs. She opens the little flap just as Arnold and Gerald throw down the staircase from Arnold's bedroom.

Instead of Helga grabbing the tape and running, she closes the lid and takes off. Why? She already had it open! Would it really have taken her any more time to grab the tape than to close the lid? I know it just ups the ante, but Helga's making this mission a lot harder for herself than it needs to be.

Somehow, Helga gets into one of those classic kids' show tropes where she's crawling through an air duct. Realistically, are they that big that you can crawl through them? Perhaps they were some time in the past, but I can bet good money that people built them much smaller because so many kids were getting stuck inside them trying to go on secret adventures.

Helga ties a rope around her waist and around a pipe to lower herself down over the answering machine, but she has to cut it short because the guys are here. So, Helga climbs back up into the ducts, which makes me laugh for some reason. I guess it's just the absurdity of this plan that gets me.

Stinky shows off his new glider plane to the guys after they come up the stairs. Why didn't he just show it off earlier? Did Stinky just wait several minutes with the plane in his hand and then decide to say, "Hey, look-ee here!" It's like if I had a tray of cookies I wanted to share, in plain view of everyone, and I waited until I got up the stairs of my friend's house to say, "Hey, look, I have cookies!"

Gerald insists that they can't play now because they need to start their meeting. Curly suggests they should just have the meeting right here in the hallway--right below where Helga needs to be--directly in front of the blinking answering machine. Ugh. The forced obstacles here are just cringe-worthy. Come on, now. Why would the kids want to have their meeting in a cramped, dark hallway instead of Arnold's awesome bedroom? I get that all this ridiculousness is supposed to serve as plot devices to delay Helga's retrieval of the tape, but can't they be done in a way that's less, I don't know, stupid?

"The first order of the meeting: Arnold, check your answering machine. We gotta make sure no one called to say they can't make it."

In a moment of desperation (at this rate, someone is likely to check for messages on that answering machine just because), Helga calls Phoebe for a favor, but accidentally calls the wrong number and gets some crotchety chef in a dirty restaurant.

Helga has Phoebe hunt down the Jolly Olly man, pay him, and take his truck down to Arnold's street so the boys can be distracted by free ice cream. Imagine what the Jolly Olly Man's boss would say if he knew that his employee didn't drive where he was supposed to. Now hundreds of sad children and adults won't get their afternoon treat all because Helga was selfish.

Anyway, it works, but not for too long, because Grandma ends up playing the message.

Luckily, thanks to Grandma's schizophrenia or whatever, Grandma mistakes "It's me, Helga G. Pataki, and I love you, Arnold" for Helen of Troy selling passion fruit drinks. Whaaa? Whatever. I'm just kind of giddy that Grandma somehow managed to slip the word "Hell" past the censors not once, not twice, but three times trying to figure out the name on the phone. Of course, she could have played the message again, but that would ruin this ex machina we've got.

After everyone leaves, Helga falls out of the ceiling (sustaining zero injuries), grabs the tape in her mouth, and climbs back through the air ducts. But somehow, she ends up falling right into Arnold's bedroom--right in the middle of everyone. Wow! How the Helen of Troy does that happen?!

I absolutely love this scene. The tension, the look on everyone's face, the music in the background... we're just waiting for someone to say something because Helga most certainly has no business being there. And the way she looks at everyone, too. Normally, she'd scowl and insult them, but even Helga knows she has no excuse. It's akin to waking up and finding the person who hates you sitting at the edge of your bed with a wooden spoon in their mouth. So she just tiptoes out, shuts the door, and the boys return to their meeting.

Of course, Helga isn't completely off the hook. She still has other fish to fry... or angry Scottish girls to run from...

She pilfered their cookies. Now they'll pilfer her cookies.

"Harold the Butcher"

Arnold, Sid, and Harold are talking about what their future dead-end jobs will be. Harold doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up, and then gets distracted by all the cold meat in Green Meats. What an awful name for a butcher shop. If your meat is green, you best be throwing that shit out. I kid Mr. Green...

So, Harold goes inside and starts browsing around for food, and eyes Mr. Green's big succulent ham sitting on the counter. Mr. Green goes to the back to pluck a chicken, and then for some reason, Harold takes the entire ham and runs out with it under his shirt. Hungry? Yes. But a whole ham? Goddamn it, Harold. Ever heard of McDonald's or a pizzeria?

Mr. Green follows Harold out to inquire about his missing ham, and then it magically falls out from under Harold's sweaty fat rolls. Mr. Green is pissed as all hell, as he should be. This is only making Harold look worse, as he's a fat kid who just stole an entire ham. A fat Jewish kid who stole an entire ham. Does Harold even know what ham tastes like? I bet it was the mystery that made him take it. Or the fact that it was sitting on the counter with no one around, and at the perfect height for someone to grab. Now this is making Mr. Green look bad.

Harold's parents are extremely disappointed in their son, as they should be.

"Harold, we just can't let this pass. Who knows where it will lead? You could wind up in prison, in a chain gang, maybe on death row--"
"Jerry!"

Harold sees Rabbi Goldberg, who is also disappointed in Harold, mostly for stealing a ham. Ham is not kosher. He tells Harold a story about his friend who, in their youth, stole an ugly vest from a tailor shop, and his friend ended up having to bust his ass learning how to make vests in order to learn just how much work is put into them. And with that, Rabbi Goldberg has an idea.

Rabbi and Mr. Green come to an agreement--in order for Harold to officially learn his lesson, Harold must work in the butcher shop every day after school for a week.

And the first day goes about as well as you'd think:

After a few more days, Harold begins to like it at the butcher shop. Spending so much time around Mr. Green and all the different types of delicious meats has made Harold an expert on meat preparation, cooking, and buying. Mmmm... meat.

Harold is loving being a butcher apprentice so much that he even dreams of owning his own butcher shop that's so popular, it's like the Apple store on a phone's launch day. But again, please choose a different shop name or people might have the wrong idea about the meat there.

On Harold's last day, he gets up extra early, tidies up the shop, and leaves everything spotless. But the fun is over when Mr. Green tells Harold his week is up and the ham is paid off, so he sends him on his way. Harold goes into a panic and begs Mr. Green to let him keep working there, but Mr. Green's mind is made up. And Harold leaves sadly. Aww. I feel really bad for Harold. Sure, he can be a thieving klutz, but he's found something he really loves.

And yet, I can also understand Mr. Green. He does seem like an asshole kicking Harold out like that, but he didn't like the idea of Harold being around his shop in the first place. And he didn't even have to agree to let Harold work in his shop. And after dropping everything, making messes, and generally being an oaf, I wouldn't want him around, either.

Mr. Green mentions that he has to prepare for his upcoming meat sale this weekend and can't have Harold getting in his way. Why isn't there anyone else working in that shop, anyway? Certainly one person can't run an entire butcher shop. There's 4 guys behind the counter at my neighborhood supermarket deli, so there has to be at least one other person to help out here. Mr. Green needs someone like Harold to help him.

Harold gets an idea--he goes inside the shop and steals another giant slab of meat Mr. Green keeps leaving out on the counter for some reason, hoping he'll be sent back to work there.

Mr. Green says no way, and Harold cries. Aww. You may be Green, but your face is red and your heart is blue.

The day of Mr. Green's meat sale, Mr. Green is swamped with orders and isn't sure if he can take much more stress. You know, this wouldn't happen if you had others working with you, sir. Arnold brings Harold by to help out, and after a bit, Mr. Green finally lets Harold back behind the counter. And he does a fantastic job.

In fact, Mr. Green is so impressed with the way Harold came through today that he's made Harold his new apprentice butcher, every Monday after school.

Lessons Learned From These Episodes: always take care of your teeth, otherwise you'll end up blurting out your deepest, darkest secret to the world--and to your unrequited love; steal something from your dream career so you can work there, get kicked out, and then become an apprentice