Arnold and Gerald need a new bowling coach for the upcoming bowling tournament (because it's no a tournament unless kids from Arnold's class tag along!), and Coach Douchebag--ahem, I mean Coach Wittenberg--is the only clean-record adult they can find. Coach Wittenberg, eh? I suppose since he Tucker isn't around to absorb his father's abusive behavior, he must resort to yelling at a mop bucket when things don't go his way.
We learn that Coach Wittenberg has been fired from three other coaching gigs since coaching basketball, so his wife, Tish, has kicked him out of their house until he can get a real job. And so he is here--yelling at inanimate objects in a dirty bowling alley bathroom. Hey, a job is a job, but when you can't even mop a floor correctly, perhaps the issue is you.
Who else wants to bet that Coach Wittenberg was once a promising, talented high school student who got lazy, dropped out, fell into major debt, and is now using the concept of winning to gauge his quality of life?
So, who else but Arnold asks the guy who got fired from four coaching jobs to be the coach for their bowling team? A gorilla from the local zoo would be a better coach.
On this team, named the Zephyrs (cool name!) is Arnold, Gerald, Harold, Rhonda, and Eugene. Why is Rhonda here? Is it just for the sake of a girl on the team? And why not use another minor character like Sheena or Nadine instead? Whatever. After a few rounds, it's clear that everyone sucks ass at bowling, so the only way Coach knows how to dole out any kind of instruction is to make everyone do push-ups.
Naturally, everyone hates Coach Wittenberg's "coaching" so they ask Arnold to fire him. What the fuck is he, their messenger boy? If the other kids hate him so much, why don't they talk to him? Arnold has taken so much pity on Coach Wittenberg's failed attempts to instill teamwork and skill into children, so he says he can convince Coach to lighten up on the yelling and physical punishments. I wonder if Coach even knows how to bowl himself; we never see him demonstrate proper techniques once.
Arnold goes to Coach's house, and my God... I know this is just a cartoon, but if a kid went to his coach's house, while he's in his bedroom, in his underwear, that's a straight-up pedophilia lawsuit waiting to happen. Like, seriously, couldn't they have talked in the kitchen? And couldn't Coach have put on some pants?
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| Judging by the sink next to the bed, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say this is a studio apartment. |
The next day during practice, Coach instructs Eugene to think of his favorite food while bowling so he can take his mind off winning. For some reason, it works.
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| "Strained beets... strained beets..." - Eugene |
Of course, it's hinted that this technique isn't for everyone, specifically Rhonda who doesn't think bowling is cool. Coach conveniently whips out a teen magazine highlighting celebrities and musicians who bowl, so that peaks Rhonda's interest, making her a fantastic bowler as well. What the hell kind of techniques are these? How is this happening? No tips on aiming, no posture techniques... just bounce off their personalities, and they'll bowl better? No wonder this guy is a shit coach. Despite it actually working, what is this supposed to teach? Be sensitive and people will do better? Again, one extreme to the other.
Everyone's been doing great. Coach is confident they'll do well during the tournament, that is until Coach Wittenberg's wife and her team walk in. What?!
When was it established that Tish had her own team of tots? Or did Tish just find five girls who wanted to bowl and said, "Hmm... maybe I should humiliate my husband while he's still down. Yeah, that'll boost his confidence." What a bitch. These two are perfect for each other.
Helga leads the squad, and her team is dam good. So good that Coach Wittenberg is now scared that his team will lose, because at least Tish's team learned actual bowling techniques.
But Goddamn, with scores of 435 vs 421, Wittenberg's team isn't doing all that bad. And for a bunch of kids getting strike after strike after strike, that's something I'd expect to see on Good Morning America. Professional bowlers don't even score this well. What's Coach Wittenberg getting so heated about? Oh, right... this is the man who's obsessed with winning. If Tucker was here, Coach would probably be making everyone pass the ball to him.
Still, because Tish's team is doing better, Coach gets pissed and starts yelling at everyone again, making everyone nervous and making them do worse.
Coach says they have to win, otherwise he's not a good coach. Arnold says he is a good coach because he has instilled confidence and "potentiality" and other big words that make me question who in the hell finalized this script because even nine-year-old monks like Arnold don't talk like that.
Eugene gets a 6/7 split, a very difficult position to achieve a spare from. Coach reverts to Arnold's sensitive coaching methods, helping Eugene think of strained beets like before. Eugene gets the spare, and naturally, Wittenberg's team wins by a single point.
Tish and Coach Wittenberg make up that night or so, and then at the local burger joint, Coach joins Tish in her car and they engage in some greasy make-up sex. Huh... perhaps this is why Coach is so obsessed with winning--it's the only way he knows how to turn his wife on.
"Four-Eyed Jack"
Arnold and Gerald are having a sleepover, and find a pair of coke-bottle glasses inside a box of books.
Grandpa comes in with some milk and cookies, notices the glasses, and tells the tale of Four-Eyed Jack, a homebody who once lived in the boarding house basement who was always experimenting with beans.
One night, Four-Eyed Jack's pressure cooker exploded and he died, leaving his spirit behind to haunt the boarding house until his glasses were found.
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Arnold drags Gerald on a ghost hunt after hearing some bumps and thumps in the walls, leading them to run into Oskar in another fight with Suzie. Arnold tells Oskar about Four-Eyed Jack, but Oskar doesn't believe in ghosts because he's not superstitious.
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| "What do you mean you're not superstitious? You keep a horseshoe in your pants." "Don't mock my family's traditions. A-heh-heh-heh." |
They find Mr. Hyunh gargling in the basement kitchen after a lengthy build-up to his silhouette in the dark. And then the sky turns red and blows in these papers in a strange poltergeist formation. Why this happens, I do not know. But I do know that it's freaky as fuck, but no one else seems to think so.
And yet Mr. Hyunh gargling is scarier than a supernatural sight like this. Bull. Shit.
Gerald is still skeptical, complaining throughout the entire episode that he doesn't believe in ghosts. If this was a horror movie, he would definitely die first. Why? First, the black guy almost always dies first. Second, the monsters always go for the non-believers first as a warning to those who are pissing their pants in fear that there most definitely is something out there trying to get them.
The boarders follow moaning noises into a closet with a secret hallway behind it.
They make a note that the hallway has this awful, putrid smell, and I guess we're supposed to believe it's the smell of old beans from Four-Eyed Jack's experiments of the past. All this build-up leads to the discovery of a gorgeous, secret downstairs bathroom, and Grandpa who just took a massive shit following his raspberry dessert. I guess that explains the smell.
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| "Never eat raspberries, boys." - Grandpa |
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| "Um, boo." - Four-Eyed Jack |
Lessons Learned From These Episodes: being sensitive will help you win; it's not about winning or losing--doing your best and being a great coach is what matters; no more ghost hunting if you want clean underwear; never eat raspberries
That bathroom is fucking gorgeous. I want...minus Grandpa's evidence of his usage.
ReplyDeleteI think Coach and Tish are kind of like George and Martha from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" I can see her calling him a "flop".