S2, E35: "Hall Monitor" / "Harold's Bar Mitzvah"

"Hall Monitor"

Warning: In this episode, you will be confronted with one of the most common morals you will ever see in children's television: just be yourself. It is actually one of the worst "morals" you could ever learn, and this episode inadvertently demonstrates why. 


It's Helga's last day as dictator of the halls, and everyone is kissing the ground, thanking the gods for allowing them to finally be free to walk on the left side and drink from the water fountains for more than three sips.

Mussolini would be proud.

Principal Wartz holds a congratulatory assembly in the auditorium for Helga's month (?!) of service as hall monitor, which is absolutely asinine. She didn't serve in the military--all she did was roam the halls and yell at people for minor infractions--that's hardly worth a "Good job, kid." I'd hate to see how Wartz congratulates people for earning straight "A"s on their report cards.

Alas, it is now time for the monthly hall monitor to select the new monitor for the month. Wait, what?! Doesn't that mean someone essentially volunteered Helga to be the hall monitor for the month? Who the hell did that?

Anyway, she selects Phoebe, and everyone silently makes a collective sigh of relief--finally someone they can walk all over. Of course, Phoebe isn't pleased one bit about this new hire.

The next morning, Helga gives a rightfully-skeptical Phoebe a pep-talk about her new job--it actually works, and Phoebe even gets a little excited about being hall monitor. That is, until she actually has to  be the hall monitor.

Phoebe is getting pushed around, knocked down, shoved aside, and ignored--all ironically as Helga walks Phoebe to class telling her how she has to stand up for herself. And while it's absolutely true, it definitely won't be easy.

"A first-grader stepped on my glasses... and I was still wearing them." - Phoebe

See, Phoebe reminds me a lot of myself. A lot. If I were to be hall monitor, this is exactly how it would play out for me. Kids scare me. They have no boundaries, no ounce of respect, and no consideration for authority. I wouldn't make a good babysitter for that reason, not sure I'd make a good parent, and when it comes to older kids and adults I'm the exact same way. Pushed around, knocked down, and ignored. I'm terrified of making my voice loud enough to be heard. So, I sympathize with Phoebe.

Then again, Helga is absolutely right--how would Phoebe get through life by being a doormat? She has to learn to stand up for herself, otherwise she won't succeed in life. And that inspires Phoebe to allow Helga to help her be more assertive.

The training is quick, and it's not very extensive. Basically, Phoebe just needs to learn how to yell.

The next morning, Phoebe tells Sid off (very politely) when he shoves her to get to his locker. Damn, what does he have against Phoebe? Sid almost tells Phoebe to fuck off, but then he sees Helga coming up behind Phoebe and backs off, much to Phoebe's delight. Though Phoebe believes she did it all on her own, it's enough to give Phoebe a nice confidence boost to continue being hall monitor.

Maybe a bit too much confidence, though...

Field Marshal Phoebe, as Arnold dubs her, is surprisingly even tougher than Helga, and appears to have gotten taller over the course of the short time she's been pounding the halls. I wonder if that's supposed to be metaphorical.

Though if one thing is truly annoying me this episode, it's Gerald. First, he complained about Helga being too bitchy, then he was reveling in how easy life in the halls would be wit Phoebe, and now he's complaining that Phoebe used to be a "nice, quiet girl." While he does have a right to complain, I just find him annoying this episode for some reason. Like, God forbid the halls are orderly. And God forbid Phoebe toughens up. I get that she's over the top, but does no one buy Helga notice that this tough attitude, again, albeit overdone, is actually good for Phoebe? If she tones down just a little, her confidence will be right where it should be, and she will no longer be a doormat.

Perhaps I can take a few lessons from the Field Marshal herself.

You would think Phoebe has gone completely off-the-wall, especially when Gerald lists off his detention slips, but when Helga cuts the lunch line for dibs on the last tapioca pudding, Phoebe nails her with a detention, much to everyone's shock and awe.

Helga truly believed she was above the law (like many, but not all, of our police officers), but Phoebe just schooled Helga in equality. You do the crime, you do time. It's completely justified--no one should be given special privileges just because they are associated with the "law." And if it wasn't for Helga, Phoebe would have never even thought about slapping that fated paper in Helga's hands.

In detention, we realize that Phoebe is worse than Helga ever was, but Phoebe is only this power-hungry because people never gave her any respect before. All the kids, and Helga, want the old Phoebe back--the old Phoebe who let other people boss her around and step all over her. Essentially, that's what the other kids want, even if they give cockamamie reasons like, "We want the old Phoebe who would lend out pencils and eat the crust off our sandwiches," not another Helga.

But why? Why can't she do all that while still being assertive? All those kids just want to get out of detention--they don't give a shit about Phoebe's lack of confidence. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Phoebe doesn't have to go back to being the quiet little mouse like she was. Why can't she just meet everyone down the middle--be more assertive, but not too much, and be kind? She can still be her quiet self, but just more assertive so that she has the confidence to tell off people who are treating her like shit.

Every kids' show does this moral so incorrectly it's not even funny. It's basically teaching kids that they shouldn't change an ounce of their personality, even if it's hurting them in the long run, for the benefit of other people. In the beginning of the episode, Helga was telling Phoebe that being so quiet and forgiving will hurt her chances of being successful. Successful in what? Getting a job, going on a date, being caught up in a fight... anything, really. And Helga is absolutely right. So where is that lesson here?

Phoebe says she doesn't want to be a bossy control freak just to gain respect from other people, and in a side comment, Helga rhetorically asks, "Who would?" in reference to herself. As we know, Helga doesn't have any respect from her family, and puts up this tough exterior in order to gain authoritative respect from other people--not personal respect, which are two completely different things. Phoebe is doing the exact same thing as Helga has been doing all her life. So why, may I ask, is it okay for Helga to be a bossy bitch, but not Phoebe? Because Helga is being "herself."

This is the reason why "just be yourself" is a shit moral. A a better version of this moral should be, "Never stop improving." Yes, that's the motto to Lowe's. And it's a great motto. Houses don't get better by just sitting there. You have to rip the rusty pipes and faulty wiring out and install brand new ones in--ones that work better and are more efficient. The house may never be perfect, but it will be marginally improved. Here's my moral for you guys:

Improve yourself, even if it means changing aspects of your personality that are stopping you from being your best self.

Of course, instead of Phoebe learning how to be more confident, she just dethrones herself and returns to her old ways. Fuck self-improvement! Just be yourself, even if your personality hurts you, and people will respect you! It's one of the biggest crocks of shit "morals" that people could ever learn.

And you know what? Phoebe being herself is what causes everyone to sneak out of detention--even Arnold the Saint. Yeah, it's that bad.

So, yeah, sorry for getting all moral on you guys, but---no. I'm not sorry. This is something that needs to be heard loud and clear because it's super important. Imagine how many opportunities and chances have been wasted in our generation alone just because people were told to "be themselves."

Hopefully in the future this vague, awful message will be eradicated from TV.




"Harold's Bar Mitzvah"

Ah, another Harold episode! This time, he's taking the path to manhood by preparing for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah.

Harold is about to go into the synagogue for his lessons but gets sidetracked by a game of ball. He barely gets to throw once before Rabbi Goldberg pops open the door and tells Harold to get his ass inside to learn more Hebrew.

The kids pick up Harold's Torah and blatantly insult Judaism and everything it stands for because apparently, these kids have never seen or heard of it in their lives.

"What's Harold doing, learning Chinese?" - Gerald

Okay, no. These kids live in the city--the whitest city on TV, mind you. I refuse to believe they have never heard of Judaism. And being that Hillwood is based off of Brooklyn, Seattle, and Portland (especially Brooklyn, which has one of the largest Jewish communities outside of Israel), there is no excuse for their ignorance. Perhaps Mr. Simmons ought to start teaching world cultures and religions and fewer meditation techniques to cleanse the soul.

Rabbi Goldberg struggles to prevent himself from blowing his top when stressing the importance of Harold's Bar Mitzvah that's taking place this Saturday, especially since Harold's Hebrew is rusty and he doesn't seem all that committed.

Rabbi gives Harold some background information about Judaism (which is really directed to us), and about what it means to be a man.

If a boy is head of the household by age 13, perhaps teenagers have a point when they say they can "do what [they] want."

The main point Rabbi is trying to drive home here is that Harold is now responsible for his actions, as part of being a man is righteousness, charity, and prayer--and Rabbi doesn't believe Harold is ready for said responsibilities. But Harold assures him that he will be.

After Harold gets out, he invites his friends to his Bar Mitzvah (rather, he tells them that they're coming or else), and tells them to get him a rad present. Again, he assures everyone that he's not at all nervous about becoming a man, but Harold's sleepless nights say otherwise. Perhaps if he had practiced a little bit more, he would be fine.

That night, Harold has a nightmare about all the responsibilities he would have had in ancient times, like feeding camels water. Naturally, Harold complains that he just wants to party and have fun. His friends appear on the backs of camels, all dressed in clothing of ancient Jerusalem. Helga is still in her normal clothes, of course. I like that, even in Harold's nightmare, Helga still sticks out and refuses to go along with the theme. It would be hilarious if Helga wore that same dress to her wedding... or to her own funeral.

The jug of water becomes bigger and heavier, symbolizing the weight of all the responsibilities Harold is going to have being too much for him to handle. And thus, he is crushed by it.

Come on, Harold. Be a man!

Okay, okay, in a way, I feel for Harold--he's still technically just a kid, and this isn't ancient times where thirteen-year-old boys would be prepared to take on manual labor of this degree. On the other hand, Harold needs to suck it up and be responsible for once, for the sake of his religion and his family.

Saturday morning comes along, and it's time to leave for the synagogue. Even during one of the most conservative events one could attend, the animators still cannot resist showing off Harold's belly button for no reason other than to reiterate the fact that he is fat.

Harold can't go through with this, so he packs a suitcase and runs away. Well, that certainly isn't extreme.

He runs into Arnold on the street, and tells of his plans to escape to Elk Island to live on his own so he won't have to be a "man" and take on responsibilities he's not ready for. Not to be a smart ass, but wouldn't living on your own include hunting for your own food, building your own shelter, and doing things yourself--taking on personal responsibilities to survive?

Arnold tries to convince Harold to rethink his decision, but to no avail.

In the midst of this plan, Harold encounters a mother looking for her little boy, Danny, and then a moment later, a little kid looking for his mother. At first, he tells each of them to fuck off so he can catch a bus to the harbor, but then decides to reunite the kid with his mother.

"What's your mom look like?"
"She's tall and has... hair."

The woman and son are eternally grateful that Harold reunited them, but Harold's like, "Whatever."

Harold then decides to get a popsicle, all while Rabbi Goldberg and Harold's friends and family wait (im)patiently for him to arrive. I know in this universe, kids are allowed to travel to China by themselves and back, but why aren't Harold's parents freaking out about where their son is? Do they not care that he's late? Do they not wonder if he got hit by a bus or got mugged or kidnapped by a masked man? What shitty parents.

Right as Harold is about to take a bite, he notices two snot-nosed brats fighting over a popsicle. Arnold the Saint suggests that they both split it in half, but the kids snub him. Another bus comes, and Harold can't stand to see the kids arguing over a popsicle, so he regretfully gives them his. Wow!

On the bus, some punk kid with nothing better to do starts teasing Harold and his suit.

The punk kid is about to beat Harold's face in, again, for no reason, and tells him to say his prayers, so that's what Harold does--literally. The strange words scare the punk kid away, which is the biggest cop out I have ever seen from this show. "He's saying strange words, so now I'm scared of him." WTF?!?! It's not like Harold was summoning demons--or maybe that's what the punk kid thought he was doing. (For those of you who know Hebrew, what was Harold saying? I'm curious.)

Harold and Arnold reach the docks, but it's only once Harold is climbing into the boat, Arnold reminds Harold that he is ready to be a man--he has put forth righteousness (when he reunited the mother with her son), charity (when he gave his popsicle to the snotty kid), and prayer (scaring the punk kid away). Harold is surprised at all of his good deeds, but is still going to Elk Island. Arnold shrugs, leaves, and tells him that he's going to Harold's Bar Mitzvah whether Harold is there or not. Hmm, that's like the equivalent of a mother telling her kid she's walking out of the store and leaving the kid in there by himself.

Meanwhile, it's been probably an hour or so since Harold was supposed to be at the synagogue, and Rabbi Goldberg is dancing around the fact that he's very disappointed in Harold. Again, why is no one not trying to look for him? This isn't the 2000s where Harold could text that he's "running late." Sure, Arnold probably got there and covered for Harold, but even then, his family would ask why he just left Harold at the docks. It just doesn't make any sense.

Rabbi is about to ask everyone to leave, apologizing with a nice slice of challah bread and wine, but then, Harold shows up. Yay!

Harold reads his prayers "beautifully," and then the party begins.

It turns out Harold never made it to Elk Island because he was ironically too young to rent a canoe (pffffft!), so I guess the next best thing was to go to the synagogue and become a man.

I wonder if the canoe guy would have let Harold rent a canoe after he read the Torah...

Lessons Learned From These Episodes: be yourself, even if your personality is stunting your confidence and self esteem; don't change, damnit, be yourself!; if you're Jewish and you turn 13 (or 12 if you're female), you have responsibilities to be a good person; you can't rent a canoe if you're under the boating age