S1, E12: "Benchwarmer" / "Cool Jerk"

"Benchwarmer"

All right, today we're going to be introduced to a new, recurring character--Jack "Coach" Wittenberg.

During community basketball, Gerald comments to Arnold how radical it is that they get to be on the same team. Arnold thinks it's great, too, considering everyone gets to play in this league. Oh, this must be one of those new-wave "everyone's-a-winner" leagues where feelings matter more than actual skill. I wonder if everyone got a shiny, blue ribbon just for showing up today.

A whistle blows off-screen and everyone rushes to the benches out of breath, and everyone's dreams of casual ball-play are crushed by the authority of their new coach, Jack Wittenberg:

It's not that Coach Wittenberg is a bad guy, nor is he out to get anyone or make his life better by making everyone else's shit. He's just not very smart. Kind of like Oskar, except Coach has some semblance of what he is doing.

He announces that their first practice will be to focus on doing one thing, and one thing only--give the ball to Tucker (AKA, his spawn).

Coach likes to exaggerate how great Tucker's skills actually are, claiming he would have gone pro if it wasn't for the voting. It makes me wonder if Coach is trying to live vicariously through Tucker--trying to build him up to be this all-star new-gen Magic Johnson because Coach never made it past tryouts when he was nine. This is what happens when you major in English, people--you overanalyze everything.

So, it's not enough that the first lesson is all about passing the ball to Tucker--every lesson, layup, and lesion is Tucker, Tucker, Tucker. Do the kids also have to wipe Tucker's ass after he takes a steaming dump?

Naturally, the kids hate these arbitrary rules. And Tucker? Well, we're not allowed to hear his point-of-view yet.

Right before their first game, Coach reminds everyone (with many malapropisms sprinkled in) to get out there and pass the ball to Tucker so he can score the points for them. The plan actually seems to work well, until Arnold feels a bit rebellious and decides to pass to Gerald, who is closer to the net. He actually ends up scoring two points. Good job. Except, this pisses Coach off to unreasonable levels, and he bans Arnold from the rest of the game for failing to follow his orders. I guess not only must Tucker be in possession of the ball 95% of the time, he must also be the only one allowed to shoot. Nepotism at its finest!

Later that night, Arnold goes to Grandpa and tells him he wants to quit the basketball team. Even after Arnold explains the legitimate reasons why, Grandpa fails to comprehend, and instead lectures Arnold on the importance of not giving up. He launches into an anecdote about when he wanted to be a trapeze artist, but had to clean up elephant shit at the circus for thirteen years, and even after coming home stinking to high heaven all through adolescence, he still never got the chance to be a trapeze artist. Now, you may think this is just a filler story just for LOLs, but Grandpa actually makes a good point: sometimes you can work hard and kiss ass (or wipe ass in this case) for so long but still never get what you want.

"And if you're still wiping elephant asses after thirteen years, then you can say you're quitting.... because then there's nothing left for you to lose. Just know that your sense of smell may be shot, though."

Arnold has been banned for the next game, too (why Coach even let him throw on his uniform is a mystery) and painfully watches as Coach delivers an earful to Tucker when he misses "easy" shots, losing the game. Give the kid a break, man. If you don't lighten up, he'll hate you wen he's an adult.

Arnold hangs back to shoot some hoops, the only chance he'll get since his DNA is barred from touching league games. He makes some impressive underhand freethrows, and Tucker lingers behind to watch Arnold work his magic with the ball and hoop. He approaches Arnold and asks how he is able to shoot like that, since every time he goes up to do a foul shot, he thinks of his blowhard father and misses. Gee, I wonder why. But hey, what about all the shots he was making during practice and the first game? All of a sudden he sucks?

Anyway, Arnold agrees to help Tucker shoot better, but tomorrow instead of at that moment because he wants to be able to hold a basketball for once. And I don't blame him.

Tucker meets Arnold at some outdoor court, and Arnold begins training Tucker with some ridiculous meditation routine that reminds me of when he learned kung-fu from Grandma in "Mugged."

In order to shoot the ball, you must become one with the ball.

Honestly, what is with this cliche/trope where someone trains someone using some sort of ancient meditation techniques? This seems to be the case a lot on Hey Arnold!, and frankly, I don't understand it. Who cares if there are 9,000 little dots on the basketball? They're there to increase friction so the ball won't slip out of your hands. That's it. Work on aim, trajectory, and angle to shoot better baskets; becoming "one with the ball" is nothing more than elephant shit.

Eventually, Arnold lets Tucker actually shoot the ball, and what do you know? His techniques actually work. Because everything works in Arnold's favor. I'm not hating on him; I just think his technique is stupid.

The next game comes around, and when the referee calls foul, Tucker goes up to take his shots, and nails every one of them, sliding ahead of the other team 32 to 14. Impressive!

And yet every time I go up to make a shot, I blame my missed shots on bad luck.

During breaktime, Coach tells Tucker how proud he is of him for winning for once and inquires about his improved skills. Tucker looks Arnold right in the eye, then back at coach, and is like "I did it all on my own." Prick.

Naturally, Arnold is upset.

And then the guilt gets to Tucker. He starts thinking about all his dad's verbal abuse, and then his lie about learning how to freethrow on his own, and then misses the next two shots when he goes up again. The crowd laughs for some reason. Who the hell would laugh at a little kid for missing a shot? That's just cruel. Even more cruel is that Coach Wittenberg pterodactyl screams in response to his son losing again. Tucker ends up reverting back to his old ways as the guilt and fear of upsetting his father suffocate him to no end, causing the other team to slip ahead by two points.

Coach devises a new plan, though not without making his son the star of this dictatorial Christmas tree. The ref ends up calling out foul once again, which is really irritating. How many times is the other team going to make a technical foul in order to fuel the plot? Stop making technical fouls!

Anyway, Tucker looks over at Arnold, who is nonchalantly giving him the droopy stink-eye, and fakes a shoulder injury in order to get Coach to replace him with Arnold in the game. At first, Coach is like, "Hell no! Arnold ain't following my arbitrary rules!" but then reluctantly pulls him in when Tucker reveals that Arnold had been teaching him how to freethrow.

So, Arnold ends up winning the game for them after an amazing plan. Wooo!

And so, Coach vows to revise his stupid rule to have everyone pass the ball to Tucker, and allows everyone to play normally. At least he realized the error of his ways.




"Cool Jerk"

Fun fact: my YA psychological thriller novel I'm trying to publish is loosely based off of this episode's concept. Though Hey Arnold! wasn't the first to do the douchebag-in-disguise-changes-younger-naive-child-into-a-mini-them, it's one of my favorite episode/movie concepts. It's just too bad this episode is one of the worst adaptations of this plot I've ever seen.


Harold attempts to look like a bigshot by attempting to knock Arnold's teeth out with a dodgeball. I don't exactly know what he's trying to do--maybe prove he has good aim--but Arnold ducks out of the way with cat-like reflexes and Harold ends up smacking himself in the face with the dodgeball.

"You okay, man?" - Sid
"I hurt my noooose-yyyy!" - Harold

Helga tells him that he's fine, but Harold stands up and pounds around like a baby for some reason, and then pushes Arnold up against the wall to beat him into the next century. For what? I honestly don't know. But I love how Arnold looks like he doesn't give a shit.

Suddenly, this twenty-something-year-old biker comes along and coolly tells Harold to step off. Who is this guy, and why does he care about some schoolyard squabble?

So, this is Frankie G., some Fonzie rip-off with a "bad boy" coat of paint. I'm kind of disappointed with how stereotypical Frankie G. is portrayed, but at least he's only in this one episode and never seen again.

Apparently, everyone knows who Frankie G. is, touting him as the coolest of the cool, the greatest thing since Tomagatchis, and just an all-around statue of wonder and amazement. It must be the set of wheels he has. Everyone likes motorcycles. Except me. I hate them. I have this one neighbor who has one and rides it up and down the streets every summer.

Frankie G. threatens to beat Harold if he lays a finger on Arnold, and he backs away like a cowering puppy. And then Frankie G. invites Arnold to take a ride on his motorcycle with him, to which Arnold practically leaps onto. Hey, it's not safe to accept rides from strangers, Arnold. You of all kids should know better.

But wait... I still have a lot of questions here--did Frankie G. just show up to kidnap Arnold for the afternoon? Where are the school deans and staff to prevent grown men from taking elementary school kids with them on their bikes? And why in the hell does Frankie G. happen to have a helmet that fits Arnold's head perfectly? It's not like it's a normal thing, even in this world. Have you stopped to count how many people comment on the shape of Arnold's head? A lot of people, man. A lot.

Frankie G. drives off with Arnold in tow, and then drops him off later that afternoon in front of the boarding house to a clowder of children surrounding Arnold, hoping to get a whiff of Frankie G.'s Axe cologne. They pound him with questions about where he went and what he did, but Arnold's like, "Meh. He likes the shape of my head, and wants to be my friend." Considering the fact that Frankie G. had an Arnold-shaped helmet with him when he picked him up at school, it doesn't seem like this little trip was done on a whim. And considering the look of concern on Gerald's face after Arnold heads inside, something is definitely wrong--more than the fact that this 20-year-old is taking a sudden interest in a 9-year-old.

The next day on the walk to school, Gerald expresses his distrust of Frankie G, kind of like how dogs can "sense" people they don't like I guess, but Arnold retorts that Gerald is probably just upset that Arnold found someone cooler than him. Whoa, now, Arnold! That's just uncalled for!

The kids continue to grovel at Arnold's feet over his encounter with Frankie G, and up goes Arnold's ego. Then, they go inside to learn some stuff.

Frankie G. shows up again for some reason, inviting Arnold to "go do some stuff." Seriously, what is this guy's obsession with Arnold? It has to be something to do with his head--whenever characters make strange comments like that, it's always something of significance. Arnold would love another day to hang out with Frankie, but he tells him he has to get to school, but Frankie G. is like "lol sure," and shoves the helmet in Arnold's face. For some reason, Arnold abandons his goody-goody morals and hops on the back of the motorcycle again. How is Frankie G. luring him in so easily? Hell's bells! This is so unlike Arnold! Taking rides with strangers? Skipping school? What's next, is Arnold going to refuse to do homework? Hang out behind the schoolyard drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade? Arnold's going down a bad road, and Gerald doesn't like it one bit.

Not that anyone really cares, but I love the detail the animators put into these episodes. Look at the cracks on the sidewalk--it adds a touch of realism to the show.

So, they spend the entire day together--Arnold as Frankie G.'s mini-escort. Kind of like a big brother-little brother thing. Hmm, maybe that's another reason why Arnold is taking such a liking to Frankie G.

Finally, at the end of a long, hard day of doing "tough" things like negotiating for parts and reading magazines with one arm outstretched against the wall, Frankie G. takes Arnold to his apartment in the projects to meet his friends. No, seriously, look at how trashed and unsanitary this place is:

I'd run. Now.

There are rats running amok, trash all over the place, peeling walls, and a bunch of old people. And then there's this strange old landlady who seems to either be Frankie G.'s fuck buddy or nanny, because she's overly sweet and is coercing him to come over to her place for dinner. And so he can give her his rent money. Why doesn't she even question why this little blond kid is with him? Again, this episode leaves me with so many questions, but this episode goes by so quickly that I can barely stop to talk about each of them. I don't know--I just feel like this episode would work better as a two-part episode so we can get more details. This is the most rushed episode I have ever seen.

"Just make sure you bring the rent." - Landlady

Frankie G. brings Arnold into his studio apartment where he introduces him to his cluster of friends, including this posh nerd who doesn't even look like he belongs there. He's apparently new to the group, but it still doesn't explain why he looks like he got lost on his way to Harvard Law.

As Frankie G. heads into the kitchen to get some sodas, one of the guys looks over at Arnold and whispers to the other guy that he's "poifect," which makes me think these guys are up to something. Arnold is immediately blown away by Frankie G.'s awesomely high-tech stereo and surround sound system, as well as his extensive music collection, and asks where Frankie G. acquired such luxuries. Frankie G. says that Arnold can get it with a lot of hard work, and then immediately one guy winks to another. No, it can't be. Frankie G.'s no crook, is he?

And thus, Arnold is deemed one of the guys. Yes, Arnold has essentially entered into the wrong crowd.

Frankie G. drops Arnold off back home, where Gerald had been patiently waiting with a skateboard. They were supposed to go skating that afternoon, but thanks to Arnold's new "friend," their whole afternoon was ruined. Gerald has become increasingly concerned with Arnold hanging out with Frankie, and mentions that his good friend Fuzzy Slippers says that Frankie G. is bad news. He doesn't say why, probably because anything Gerald would say would easily bump this episode up to a TV14 rating. Naturally, Arnold claims that Gerald is just "jealous" of all the attention Frankie G. is giving Arnold, and if you know me, you know how much I despise that cliche with every fiber and DNA structure of my body.

Honestly, this episode is awful. Not only is it rushed so much that it leaves out crucial details, but it feels like a two-part special episode that has been crushed and condensed into an 11-minute slot. I would love to explore this episode more deeply, but there is literally no substance to it. It's going by so fast that I can't even keep up with it. Hell, even the day speeds by too fast. When Arnold heads into the boarding house, it's pure daytime, but once he gets up to his bedroom, it's night time.

What's up with that? I think the writers initially started out with a full 22-minute episode, but then realized that they can only do a certain number of two-part specials, so they decided this one wasn't worth it, and rushed to cut down any and every bit of insignificant bantering. If you ask me, this episode shouldn't have even made it to air since it leaves too much out to fully enjoy the episode.

Arnold sneaks out of his sky window and down the fire escape, where Frankie is fixing up his motorcycle. How?! What?! Why?! How did all that happen so fast? Ugh, why am I even asking anymore?

Arnold had actually used those few seconds to consider Gerald's words, about Frankie G. being bad news and questioning their friendship, so Arnold asks if Frankie G. is really his friend or not. Well, that's just dumb; of course he's going to say yes! And then Frankie G. pulls Arnold onto his motorcycle so Arnold can do a "favor" for him.

The guys meet up with Frankie G.'s friends in an alleyway in a quiet area (how creative) outside of Gene's Hi-Fi, some Best Buy-type store with all sorts of electronic devices and such. Frankie G. and the gang bring Arnold around the back and point at a semicircle window about the size of Arnold's head. It's at this point where Arnold is starting to feel uncomfortable. Frankie G. asks Arnold to climb into the window, since his head would fit, and unlock the door so that Frankie G. can get in to snatch a new tweeter for his system. A tweeter is a special kind of loudspeaker that can deliver ear-splitting levels of high frequencies. Thanks, Wikipedia!

Once Arnold realizes he's been used the entire time solely for his head, he flat-out refuses to help Frankie G. out with his little crime. This makes him mad, so Frankie G. and the guys push Arnold up into the window and get his head stuck inside. What a bunch of asses!

As Arnold struggles to get out, a police siren is heard, so the gang splits, leaving Arnold stuck inside the window to deal with the cops on his own. Hello, juvy!

Except, there were no police at all. It was Gerald with a wind-up siren machine to scare the goons away. He pulls Arnold out of the window, Arnold apologizes for trusting Frankie G. to begin with, and they all go home. This time, Arnold swears off of cool, older guys forever. Interpret that as you will.




Lessons Learned From These Episodes: nepotism is bad; don't try to live vicariously through your kids and then get pissed when they fail at fulfilling your dream; stay away from older guys with motorcycles; don't fall into the wrong crowd