S1, E13: "Das Subway" / "Wheezin' Ed"

Welcome back, everyone! We've got a couple of good episodes to review here:


"Das Subway"

Fun Fact: This episode's title is a play on the 1981 German film Das Boot, which deals with a WWII crew that suffers a similar situation in a submarine.

Killer Vegetables from Space, eh? Is this movie about the VeggieTales' evil cousins that have grown moldy in Darth Vader's fridge and are now out to seek revenge? Sorry, that was kind of lame. What? It's the first thing that came to mind.

That woman on the bottom left looks suspiciously a lot like an adult female Arnold.

Now, I guess Arnold and his pals have sworn off vegetables for at least six weeks (as if they haven't been already). Not because the fear them, but the movie was apparently such a dud that it's made veggies even more unappealing. Alas, it's time for them to go home.

The sun's gone down quickly--too quickly, actually. Did you see that? Did you see just how fast that sun set? It's like the Earth kicked itself into high gear and decided "Hey, Asians and Australians! Rise and shine! I don't care if your alarms say you have another hour of sleep! We're cutting daylight off for America to fit this plot better." 

The streetlights have turned on, which is the international sign that these kids better high-tail it back home before their parents start calling the police. Everyone struggles to figure out the fastest way to get home, but each suggestion is either too complicated, too long, or too costly. No one suggests getting to a payphone and calling someone's parents to pick them up and drop everyone off at their houses, so they're out of luck.

And then Arnold suggests that they have no choice but to take... THE SUBWAY.

The underground subway--much scarier than any vegan flick.

Everyone's like "Heeeeell no," because the subway is, well, just that! I don't know anything about subways in other parts of the country, but in New York City, they're some of the scariest places to be, with the Port Authority Bus Terminal coming in a close second. No, I change my mind. Port Authority is worse than the subway system. But this episode isn't about buses--this is about the unsanitary, creepy, and haunting tunnels of the overcrowded underground transportation system. Considering Hillwood is partly based off of Brooklyn, you can bet your bottom dollar that these are going to be Brooklyn-style subways.

Nobody really has much of a choice at this point, so the subway it is!

They take the eastbound D train. Look at all the dilapidation--the peeling walls, the trash everywhere, the apathy towards the upkeep of a high-foot-traffic area--looks accurate to me! And surprisingly accurate, considering many other kids' shows don't even bother representing the real look of cities. They're dirty places, because people are dirty creatures.

Anyway, Gerald looks on the map to see where the kids have to transfer, and it's eventually revealed that they're on the wrong train, and were supposed to get on the F line. But this inciting incident is played down since the kids can just jump onto the Waterloo line and then transfer to the F. I just find it oddly convenient that these kids all live along the same line.

Why does the C train go around in a circle?

So, the trip starts out okay. The kids sit and wait to get to the Waterloo station looking bored, except for Harold, who is so bored he starts treating the subway as his own personal playground. Funny how Harold, who is supposed to be about twelve years old, is acting more immature than his nine-year-old classmates. Well, maybe there's a reason why Harold is twelve and hanging out with nine-year-olds. Being held back so many times does kind of limit your social circle.

As the train moves down the line, we get some scenes of the other passengers on the train, including a bum who keeps telling everyone to get out of his "house," a psychologist, and a claustrophobic woman who is instructed by said psychologist to repeat her mantra to prevent her from losing control of her sanity: "Big, open spaces."

Harold hangs upside down on one of the poles and tries to get everyone to laugh with him about what a reckless idiot he is, until some blind old man with a seeing-eye dog straight up tells him to get his fat ass off the pole and to take a shower. I still find it amazing that this old man is able to tell that Harold is obese--either that, or he's faking it for disability benefits. But seriously, I love this old man; he tells it like it is.

Just as you think everything will go smoothly for once, a little rat has to ruin the fun. No, I mean there is an actual rat ruining the kids' trip home:

I highly doubt wires would just be hanging from the ceiling of the tunnel attached to the car like that. That's just asking for electrical failure and possible fires, not even with the gnawing teeth of subway rats, either. It's why MTA employees are constantly reminding people not to throw trash or anything into the subway tracks--with the friction of the cars, they cause fires and delays. But does anyone ever listen? NO.

So, the train comes to a grinding halt, as does the electricity. Everyone's like, "WTF?" and then a bored-sounding, yet hilarious announcement comes over the loudspeakers:

"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. There is no need to worry...Even though thousands of pounds of water are bearing down as we speak on the thin, aging walls of this government-funded tunnel, you are in no danger." - MTA Employee

Ignoring the fact that we clearly saw that it was the subway rat who was chewing on the wires above the car that caused the train to malfunction, there's apparently a flood somewhere. The MTA employee suddenly then breaks down into tears and admits he doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

Helga decides that they can't just sit around and wait for the train to be fixed, so she pushes the door open to leave and walk home. Of course, the Gods of Nickelodeon decide that idea is whack, since the entire track is covered in big, black rats the size of cats. Is there a dead body or a ham on the tracks? Why else would there be so many rats there at one time?

Meanwhile, back at the boarding house, Grandma is practicing some yoga from a TV program, when it's interrupted by a special news bulletin about the eastbound D train being stuck in the tunnel under the river without any means of communication.

*Raises hand to ask a question.* Okay, if communication is "impossible," how did someone manage to alert the higher-ups about the malfunctioning train and then make it to the news station within what seems like minutes? Communication is obviously getting through somehow, right? I guess the tunnel being under the river makes sense now, with the "thousands-slash-millions of pounds of water rushing overhead." The announcer made it seem like the tunnel was being flooded with water. Okay then.

And then Grandma just gets up and decides she's going to go fix the train herself, being an ex-cop and all. Somehow that does and does not make any sense whatsoever. But hey, it's Grandma. She's invincible. And nuts. She gets on her Rambo gear and heads out.

I love how Grandpa doesn't even ask where she's going, as if he's used to her nightly missions after 50 or so years of being married.

Firefighters and rescue crews have already started climbing into the tunnels to rescue the people and fix the train. Meanwhile, the kids are melodramatically losing all hope of ever being found and rescued while the adults just sit there either yelling at the kids or telling everyone to shut up. Well, everyone except the MTA employee over the loudspeakers who is slowly developing into a manic-depressive Anthony DiMartino from Daria. I'd really like to know what's going on in his little office--he's probably curled up in fetal position while his eye is popping out of its socket.

Cry all you want, Helga. Just be sure to save some air for the rest of the passengers.

Meanwhile, Grandma hisses at a rat as she makes her way further down the tunnel. In Soviet Russia, rat afraid of you!

The MTA employee comes over the announcements once again to confirm that he is indeed rocking back and forth in the fetal position (called it!), which is a totally rational and professional thing to do in a situation like this. Instilling unnecessary fear and panic to a group of cranky subway passengers in the near pitch-black is not only irresponsible, but is also pretty goddamn dangerous. Isn't it this guy's job to keep the passengers calm? Surely if there are rescue crews going down into the tunnels to rescue everyone, someone must have the necessary communication. This needs to be repeated because how would the guy not know that rescue crews are on the way? Either I'm missing something, or there's a hole the size of the one in Harold's brain in this plot line.

This is where everyone then settles into insanity. The claustrophobic woman begins to repeat her mantra, "Big, open spaces" over and over again, to the annoyance of the other passengers, naturally. Helga won't stop crying. The annoyance from two shrill voices gets to this poor psychiatrist so badly that he begs Arnold to shut Helga up, and then his patient pulls some literal reverse psychology by "becoming" the doctor herself, instructing her instructor to think of "big, wide open spaces" which makes me laugh really hard, by the way. And that's when the psychiatrist reveals that repeating that mantra is nothing but bullshit, essentially taking her therapy money and instilling pseudoscience as a distraction for her to get over her fear of being in small spaces.

Man, I'd really like to know if the writer for this episode, Chris Simmons, is trying to tell us something shady about therapy as a profession, or if he speaks from experience.

Suddenly, the blind man smells some chocolate and alerts everyone in the train car, and the smell is traced to Harold sneaking bites under the seat. Everyone is starving, so they practically ransack Harold for every chocolate bar he has.

I'd like to know where Harold was hiding those chocolate bars before. Under his fat rolls, I presume?

The kids grab as many bars as they can, cursing Harold out for being a selfish pig, and then flee from the angry mob of adults. Basically, the situation has developed into a Lord of the Flies-type scene, and all the kids are Piggy. Except for Arnold, of course. The voice of reason everyone ignores.

Helga starts blaming everyone who caused any sort of frustration for the train breaking down, further fueling this fire that's been ignited by insanity and fear. And it's only been, what, no more than twenty minutes since the train broke down? It's not revealed how long they've actually been stuck in there, but from what it looks like, it might have actually been hours or even a couple of days since they're that hungry. Then again, it could just be the uncertainty of being rescued that's making everyone hungry.

Arnold notices that the blind man's dog isn't feeling well. He points this out to everyone, halting the rising insanity dead in its tracks and returning everyone back to their normal selves. Say what?! Okay, I know Arnold is a great conflict mediator, but how in the hell did he manage to make everyone pull a 180 in less than a second? One moment, they were ready to pull each other's faces off; the next, they calm down and turn their attention to the puppers. My theory is that they never went insane--they were all just bored. 

Everyone jumps on-board to help figure out what's wrong with the dog, whose name is revealed to be Killer. Really? That's like naming your cat Asshole.

At the same time, Grandma has made it to the top of the train, and has discovered the cause of the hold up:

It turns out that Killer is perfectly fine--she was just in labor. And she had four adorable puppies!

What an amazing birth! She birthed four puppies in ten seconds, had no birthing fluids, and no blood!

The blind man gets all excited and says "You mean... I'm a daddy?!"

What? The? Fuck?!?!?!

Is this man insinuating that he impregnated his dog?! Look, man, I know you're blind, but there's no feasible reason why you can't tell the difference between a human body and a dog body.

Okay, so a lot of people refer to themselves as the "mommy" or "daddy" to their pet because they're their primary caretakers (like a parent), but the way this man said it made it seem like he actually fucked his dog. Certainly he couldn't have gotten her pregnant, but now I'm questioning whether this guy is into bestiality. And also if he's gay, since he thought Killer was a boy. Not to mention, Killer had a lightning-quick birth, and human penises are bigger than dog penises, so things might have stretched out in there, and ahhhhh, let's move on, please. This is becoming uncomfortable to write about.

So, Grandma takes the two ends of the broken wires and shoves them together, essentially fixing the train and getting it moving again. She must be made out of pure rubber, because shoving those two wires together should have electrocuted her. And how does she expect to keep them there? Is she going to hold them together until the train arrives at the next station? But whatever. Everyone cheers because they can all go home. Yaaaay!

So then the bum gets everyone's attention. They think he's going to tell them to get out of his "house," but instead pulls out a harmonica and invites everyone to sing a song with him. Yeah, because people will just willingly hold other strangers' hands and sing on a subway train. Come on, in what universe would this actually happen?

That's, um, okay. The episode ends in a kumbaya-style hand-holding peace song.

I'm curious to know what became of the firefighters and rescue crew. Since the train is moving now, do they just climb back out and go home?




"Wheezin' Ed"

Arnold and the gang hang out by the pier one sunny day. You know, I really like how a lot of kids shows portray children as lovers of the outdoors who hate to waste one minute inside. Perhaps it's because they're desperately trying to show kids that outside play can be fun, and they don't have to utilize their time sitting inside in front of a screen.

Someone forgot to fill in Gerald's eyes. Hello, nightmares.

Meanwhile, Helga's search for saltwater taffy is halted at the sight of her beloved, who never has a minute alone because he is just so damn likable. It's easy to see why, but Helga uses every excuse under the sun not to unveil her true feelings for Arnold in fear of rejection and years of humiliation, not to mention a shot reputation as the class bully.

Arnold admires Elk Island in the distance, and wonders to Gerald why no one ever goes there.

All Gerald has to do is utter the word "haunted" and BOOM--storytime. He tells the tale of Wheezin' Ed, a gangster who had to suffer during the era of alcohol prohibition on the Skookumchuck River.

Wheezin' Ed got his name from the sound of his tar-filled lungs desperate to inhale and exhale as he approached his victims and snapped their necks like brittle twigs. No one really knows why he has that wheeze, though (for the sake of sparing kids the horrific details of lung cancer, I suppose). One thing is for sure, though: he buried his treasure deep in the dirt somewhere in a cave on Elk Island. Many have tried to unearth it, yet all have failed.

So, basically, Wheezin' Ed buried his treasure over there, and now the kids are going to go find it and become rich enough to move to wealthy, white upper-middle class neighborhoods where every other kids show is set.

Helga calls bullshit on Gerald's story, and then this old sailor man in a yellow windbreaker sails up to the docks to say that Elk Island for sure is haunted. Everybody, meet Sheena's Uncle Earl:

We'll be seeing a lot of Uncle Earl throughout the series, mostly in the episodes dealing with the paranormal, freaky, and grotesque plots that take place on Elk Island.

So, Uncle Earl holds out a shiny doubloon, claiming he found it near the caves, when in reality it's probably just a penny he found in his jacket pocket and is just fucking with these impressionable kids, so the kids decide to grab a shovel and go-a-diggin' for Wheezin Ed's treasure.

Uncle Earl offers to take everyone to Elk island via his tiny steamboat for a fee--a bigger fee for Harold because he is fat. He also charges extra for the shovels. Man, this guy could run a neat business: haunted buried treasured adventures--he would be breaking bank with all the cash he'd be making.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Elk Island, two criminals row up with counterfeit coins they plan to hide on the island. We know this because of the forced exposition. Look, I know each episode has an 11-minute limit and can't really delve into details, but isn't there a more creative way to introduce these criminals and their destiny to run into these kids near the end of the episode? Perhaps this is why I prefer the half-hour specials opposed to the 11-minute episodes. That's not to say I don't enjoy the shorter episodes, but I definitely appreciate it when writers dig a little deeper and put more meat into their plots.

So, as we all guessed, the Wheezin' Ed story is bull. Wouldn't it be neat if one of these legends was true? Well, I think the Train #25 story from "Haunted Train" was true, considering we saw the ghost of the insane conductor riding front-and-center to the sounds of his accordion.

As soon as the kids set foot on Elk Island, they start finding "doubloons" all over the ground. Come on, now. How do these kids not realize this whole plan is a rip-off? If there was really buried treasure in the caves, why didn't Uncle Earl go with them? Speaking of which, he's being extremely irresponsible leaving the kids there until sunset. Ah, who am I kidding? These kids took the subway all the way on the other side of town home by themselves just last episode. When I was nine, I wasn't even allowed to be outside without telling my mother first.

Arnold finds the cave, which has many warning signs telling people not to enter them, but where's the fun in obeying signs?

To be fair, the sign on the tree has a backwards "s" as if written by a kid, so that one is probably safe to ignore.

Helga splits everyone up into groups of two, naturally putting Phoebe and Gerald together, and instructs them to travel into separate caves. Harold declares himself the guard, on account of he's the "bravest." Sure. And that leads Helga to pair up with Arnold, as if she didn't even realize she'd be stuck with him.

Arnold leaves a trail of jellybeans to follow back to the entrance of the cave, which Helga follows on a bed of roses.

Sid and Rhonda discuss Wheezin' Ed, wondering if he died and rotted in the cave, leaving his bones exposed to the elements, only to be stopped coincidentally by a pile of bones on the trail with a bucket from KFC.

Why would someone just drop a bucket of chicken in the middle of the cave like that? The only logical explanation I can think of is that they went to KFC to buy a bucket of chicken, then decided to look for Wheezin' Ed's treasure, started exploring the caves with the bucket in their hands, saw the ghost of Wheezin' Ed, dropped the bucket in terror, and fled for their life.

And now I'm hungry for chicken. But not KFC. Ick. Me want Popeyes.

Gerald fears falling into an abyss in the cave, but Phoebe assures him through college-level science talk that it's impossible in a cave like this.

Harold is starting to get hungry, so he starts scrounging the area for food. He finds the trail of jellybeans Arnold had left to get back the cave entrance, but because he didn't realize that at the time, he figures if he keeps eating them, he'll remember what they're for. See, this is why Uncle Earl charged Harold two dollars instead of one to get on his boat!

Back to the criminals' story. It's revealed that the doubloons everyone's been finding are actually their counterfeit pennies. They're not very good counterfeit pennies if they have a strange face on them. But wait, why make fake pennies in the first place? I agree with the hunchbacked criminal--why not counterfeit dimes or nickels? Then again, no one would ever suspect someone to try to buy things with fake pennies, since pennies are so useless and worthless (hence the reason why Canada and some other countries abolished pennies in circulation!). Whatever the reason, they're fake, and that's all that matters.

Helga keeps trying to grope Arnold by "bumping" into him constantly. Arnold gets annoyed and tells Helga to take a different tunnel when they approach another fork in the cave. Once Arnold is out of earshot, Helga launches into another soliloquy in which she questions why she's so mean to Arnold when all she wants to do is push him up against the cave wall and make sweet, sweet love to him. And don't try to tell me that's not her intention--she has actual shrines of this kid; who's to say she doesn't do things to them in private that would ordinarily appear on PornHub?

The world shall never know about her football-shaped dildo. 

But then she gets a sudden burst of motivation, and decides now is the perfect time to go to Arnold and reveal her deep, dark secret.

Hey, look at that, someone drew Brainy's face on the walls of the cave. Creepy? Yes.

Helga catches up to Arnold, and before she can catch her breath, they both hear something approaching them. It gets closer and closer. Helga thinks it's Wheezin' Ed, and screams out in terror, making all the other kids come to her aid. The figure comes into the light and--nope, it's just Brainy. Hey, those faces on the wall were foreshadowing, weren't they? Neat!

"Brainy!" - Everyone
"What are you doing here?" - Arnold
"Uh... something." - Brainy

Did I mention that Brainy is my favorite running gag on TV? Nevermind the fact that he found a way to weasel onto Elk Island without anyone seeing him, but the fact that he sneaks up on everyone and scares the living daylights outs of them--unintentionally, I think (or maybe not!)--is hysterical. And the fact that Brainy says so little, yet brings out the biggest laughs from me says a lot. More shows should aim to be this hysterical.

So, because Brainy showed up to the party, everyone is now in denial about Wheezin' Ed and his treasure. I don't know why that's supposed to make sense. Maybe no one actually believed Wheezin' Ed existed and just used Brainy as an excuse not to look anymore. It's as good of a reason as any, considering these kids don't yet have the mental capacity to sift through bullshit.

And then Arnold falls into a hole. How do you like that, Phoebe?

And everyone else falls in trying to rescue him. Weeeee!

The kids land right into the criminals' counterfeit penny pit, believing they're rich beyond their wildest dreams, until Arnold takes a closer look at the coins and realizes they're fake pennies.
And then the criminals show up and wonder what a bunch of kids are doing touching their fake coins.
Everyone runs in terror, thinking not only have they found Wheezin' Ed's treasure, but also the man himself.

"Ahhh! It's Wheezin' Ed! And... and some other guy!" - Sid

The kids follow the jellybean trail out of the tunnel, though it's not much of a trail anymore since Harold has eaten half of it already. Meanwhile, the criminals attempt to hunt the kids down. What they plan to do to them I don't know, though because they know of their counterfeit pennies, they'll probably slit their throats in fear of them going to the police. Morbid, yes, but it's definitely realistic. But how will they get off the island if Uncle Earl isn't planning to pick them up until sundown?

Harold trips over his shoelace and rolls down the stairs like a bowling ball, knocking down the kids with a strike. No, seriously, he actually looks like a  bowling ball because he's so stiff and expressionless (not to mention big). I think this is funny.

So, the criminals catch up to the kids, but they don't get to beat them into ground because the police are outside waiting for them. How? Apparently, Uncle Earl tried to sell the doubloons, and once it was revealed that they were counterfeit, he led the police to where he found them. So, the criminals are arrested and the kids are pulled onto a boat and taken back home.

So, the question still remains: is there a Wheezin' Ed? The world may never know.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: don't take the subway after dark; calm down a rabid crowd with news of a dog in labor; learn the difference between doubloons and counterfeit coins; if you're going to leave a jellybean trail, don't invite Harold along on your adventures