S1, E11: "Arnold's Christmas"

Hello, football head fans! Sorry this review is so late. I had some medical issues to take care of. It's a long story, no big deal. But anyway, how was your Thanksgiving? Now that it's officially over, it's now officially acceptable to jump right into Christmas! And what better way than to review Hey Arnold!'s first two-part episode!

Before we start, have you heard of the revival of the Hey Arnold! movie? This could possibly be The Jungle Movie movie we've all been waiting for since the show ended all those years ago. Craig Bartlett will be behind the project, of course. Here's the link to prove it:

http://variety.com/2015/tv/news/hey-arnold-tv-movie-nickelodeon-reviving-shows-1201646666/

If you were following my other blog, As Told by Ginger: Reviewed!, you'll know that I have mixed feelings about show revivals. Hey Arnold! was one of a kind, even in its heyday, and it'll take a lot of effort and the right people to recreate a charm. It won't be exactly the same as it was in the 90s/early 2000s, but hopefully the writers and animators who take on this project will give us a satisfying conclusion.

And, to be honest, I didn't find the theatrical Hey Arnold! movie too bad. I think it just gets a bad rep because it wasn't the movie we all were expecting to see (SPOILER ALERT: though the whole scene where Helga reveals and then takes back her lust for Arnold did kind of kill the movie a bit).


And now, without further adieu, here is "Arnold's Christmas:"



So, we open up with a beautifully-decorated and snow-covered Hillwood, just days before everyone's favorite politically incorrect holiday.

In order to save money on animation, scenes from the "Snow" episode are used with festive, soft Christmas music in the background. Did they think we'd forget about those? Maybe they thought we wouldn't care. WELL I DO.

Anyway, the kids leave school for the Christmas Break, which means it's time for the teachers to break out the nine boxes of eggnog they have stuffed in the teachers' lounge refrigerator. I suspect they'll be spiking it with extra shots of rum and brandy in an attempt to blur their minds from the pure stupidity of their students. How many times do we have to say that you cannot jump off the roof with an umbrella and pretend you're Mary Poppins?!

Phoebe launches into a sentimental speech about the meaning of Christmas and all its beauty while Helga steps in with the big, ugly truth--Christmas is about one thing and one thing only--presents, presents, presents. I hate to say she's right. Movies try to sell everyone the idea that Christmas is about family, friends, and the altruistic nature deep in our hearts, but you wouldn't see that being advertised on QVC, would you?

And then Helga does something totally out-of-character--she rushes over to a store display and gushes over Nancy Spumoni snow boots--the ugliest excuses for cold-weather footwear on the face of the Earth.

Since when does Helga give two shits about seasonal must-haves? Her desire for a must-have item would be more believable if it suited her personality, such as a life-size replica of her favorite wrestler or a high-tech cloning machine with complimentary samples of Arnold's hair and fingernail clippings. But snow boots? Nevermind the fact that they're ugly as sin--I would have expected Rhonda or even Phoebe to desperately cling to the bullet-proof glass there, just to stare at marketing genius a bit longer.

Helga gets word from Rhonda herself that it would be next to impossible for her to even come within range of an unsold pair since they're sold out all over the city. Helga is confident that her parents will drop their paychecks on the boots, otherwise they'll be bloodshed.

Arnold tells Gerald that he can't buy everyone in his family a tie for Christmas as it's too impersonal, so Gerald returns to the store to return one of them. Meanwhile, Helga catches Arnold's prepubescent scent lingering behind her, so she turns and gushes over his awkward attributes, proclaiming that she must find him the perfect gift for Christmas.

Sometimes I wonder if Helga should be in a musical with how dramatic she is.

After Helga gets nailed with mud from a passing truck, the episode immediately turns darkly dramatic when Mr. Hyunh climbs the steps of the boarding house stoop, hears an eerie whisper behind him, and turns in response.

And then he walks in on Grandma proclaiming it's Thanksgiving while on a ladder clutching the Christ-giving-mas tree. It even has a plastic turkey on top! Should someone hide her meds in her dinner? Nah, she's too much fun.

Grandpa announces it's time for everyone to pick their Secret Santa. It's a tradition some people like to do where you pick a person at random (such as a bowl lottery) and buy a unique present for them. Oscar holds out the bowl, and everyone draws a name. Mr. Hyunh ends up drawing Oskar's name, and whispers this fact to Ernie, who actually got Oskar too. It's quickly revealed that Oskar had written his name on all the slips as a "Christmas joke," though I'm certain he wouldn't even blink if everyone had gotten him all the presents. Ernie curses Oskar out, and then Grandpa resets the drawing. I wonder which unlucky chum got Oskar again. With any luck, his name probably wasn't in the bowl this time.

Everyone draws again, and the camera pans to Arnold--he ends up picking Mr. Hyunh.

The thing about Mr. Hyunh is that he is a mysterious man. Not Mr. Smith-level mysterious, but mysterious enough where we know nothing about him. By now, everyone's personalities are pretty easy to figure out so it shouldn't be too much trouble to find something they'd like. Ernie would love the entire Dino Spumoni CD set, Oskar wouldn't mind getting some money, Suzie wouldn't turn down a new husband... but Mr. Hyunh? Even Arnold is at a loss. As he watches this quiet man stare into the fireplace with a pipe in his hand, the thought passes through his mind like a slow strobe light in the dark: What would Mr. Hyunh like for Christmas?

In the middle of a snowball warzone, Arnold also goes out-of-character and seeks the advice of Gerald for inspiration. Naturally, he is no help.

"Arnold, it's simple. Just get him a tie." - Gerald

Arnold is determined to get Mr. Hyunh the perfect gift because he always seems sad around Christmas time. It's probably because he gets a tie every year.

So, Gerald suggests that Arnold should just go talk to Mr. Hyunh and gather clues to find out what he wants, and to Arnold, this idea was so unique and original that he cannot believe Gerald could come up with something so brilliant. Why doesn't Gerald use his own advice on his own family? I bet he just doesn't want to spend more money than he wants to, so ties for everyone!

Arnold heads up to Mr. Hyunh's apartment and awkwardly tries to engage him in a conversation that will land in a direction pointing to a store. So, after some small talk, Mr. Hyunh mentions that this time of year is awfully lonely and makes him "remember," and then he picks up a photo of a little girl who looks like him.

Arnold asks him what it is he remembers, to which Mr. Hyunh replies with much hesitation that it is a long, complicated story. Arnold asks him to tell him, and so he does. Here we go, guys:

Mr. Hyunh tells Arnold that a long time ago, he lived in a country far away (Vietnam) with his daughter, Mai. He felt like the happiest man in the world having a daughter he loved so very much.

Mr. Hyunh had plans for Mai to grow up and go to school like a normal child, but unfortunately, that dream was cut short due to the war--the Vietnam War--taking place. I was looking up details of this episode and found out this flashback was in reference to the Fall of Saigon in 1975. Considering this episode took place in 1996 (supposedly), Mai would have to be at least 21 years old. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Mr. Hyunh was fearful for his daughter's well-being, so he decided that he must try to find a way to get them both out of the country.

Unfortunately, everyone else in Saigon was thinking the same thing, and desperately trying to claw their way out with their own families.

The only way out was by helicopter, where American soldiers were evacuating South Vietnamese citizens out of the country, and there was only a limited amount of room on it. There was so many people, and they couldn't take everyone since it was the last helicopter. The soldiers said that there was only enough space for one more person, so Mr. Hyunh decided to make the most difficult decision of his life and give up Mai to them so she could have a better life.

The soldiers took Mai, and called out the name of the city where she would be taken to. Hillwood. After the helicopter left, Mr. Hyunh (or anyone for that matter) wouldn't be able to get out of Vietnam for 20 years, which is why Mr. Hyunh was here, in this city, with the goal to reunite with his long lost daughter.

He says although it's taken him so long to finally get out, he still thinks about Mai and wants to see her more than anything, and would do anything just to know that she is alive and happy.

I must say, I'm pretty damn impressed with the balls this episode had to show the effects of war, especially a real one. Of course they can't show anything gruesome, which is understandable, but it's still daring that the episode went to these lengths and didn't try to sugarcoat anything to shield precious children from reality. Because I know that would happen if this episode would have even been attempted today. I actually had a knot in my throat just watching that flashback, not to mention so much respect for Mr. Hyunh for doing something so brave, yet heartbreaking at the same time.

Arnold tells Gerald that he wants to find Mai and reunite her with Mr. Hyunh, but Gerald's like, "What have you been smokin? You ain't gonna find her with all these people in this city." But Arnold is optimistic, seeing that it's Christmas, the perfect time for miracles.

Meanwhile, Helga tears up a toy store looking for the perfect present for Arnold.

Arnold and Gerald head up to the Federal Office of Information--a generic place for all the information about everything and everyone in the city. Sounds serious. Though I'm sure if Facebook was around in 1996, Arnold could simply type in her name in the search bar and message her to find her that way. "Hey, your dad's finally out of Vietnam and wants to see you. I can give you his address. By the way, have you heard Alanis Morrisette's new song, "Ironic"? Isn't it ironic that nothing in that song is ironic at all? LOL."

So, Arnold and Gerald walk into the building and find that everyone is already drunk off of eggnog. They figure there's still some poor sap keeping the business running, so they head in the back where the department supervisor--Mr. Bailey--is, and walk in on him typing away at his computer in the pitch black. That is actually really sad. I can understand he doesn't want to go to the party (or can't go), but sitting in the dark on Christmas Eve doing work? Aw.

Arnold ignores Mr. Bailey's attempts to shoo the boys out to ask him to run a search on Mai Hyunh. He summarizes the reason for his search, but Mr. Bailey firmly tells Arnold that he's very sorry but has too much work to do to look up some random chick who's unimportant to him.

Mr. Bailey sounds like a real ass for not wanting to help Arnold with this , but I can kind of understand where he's coming from. He's overworked, possibly behind on so much paperwork because all his coworkers took their holiday early and left him with the brunt of it (if that's actually what happened, that's awful!). He kicks Arnold and Gerald out again right as he gets an incoming phone call from his wife, who chews him out for not doing the Christmas shopping yet. Wait--why the hell would he wait until Christmas Eve  to do all the shopping? And don't tell me he had so much work to do--he could have started shopping in October or even November like the rest of society.

What bugs me is that every time someone is on the phone with someone and they need to "deliver" information to the viewers watching the episode, they reiterate everything that's said in the phone. "No, I haven't done the Christmas shopping yet." "Yes, I know it's Christmas Eve." I understand why they do it, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's awkward and unnatural. Gerald already established it's "the day before Christmas," so why restate that fact again?

Anyway, Arnold and Gerald stay because Arnold gets an idea--to do Mr. Bailey's Christmas shopping for him in exchange for running a search on Mai. Mr. Bailey, at first, is like "Get outta here!" but then, in desperation, gives Arnold the gift list from his pocket and instructs him to get everything on the list and return by closing. Mr. Bailey so knows his wife would kill him for not getting the shopping done. Why couldn't she do some of it? Whatever.

Only a desperate man would trust two nine-year-old kids with $300, even if he is backed up at work.

Helga believes she found Arnold the perfect Christmas present--a lilac skateboard with a lightning bolt on the bottom. That is, until Stinky Peterson literally hops over the aisle and casually tells Helga that Arnold has that exact skateboard. Huh. Well then. At least Helga knows Arnold's style. Back to the drawing board. Or rather, back to the toy shelves.

Considering all the stuff Arnold and Gerald are buying--a watch, nice purse, cassette player, typewriter... all of this has to come out to more that three-hundred dollars. And it's not like they're going into shit stores--they're going into what looks like the equivalent of Bloomingdale's and Best Buy. Unless they're getting all this stuff from deep discounts, I refuse to believe that those 4+ bags of stuff cost less than $300. Then again, after looking at what's written on the list...

Where on the list was a typewriter? And why aren't the apparel items more specific with sizing... or even gender?! A sweater for whom? What kind of purse? No wonder Mr. Bailey waited until the last minute to do this. 

I find it funny that the only specific thing on the list are the Nancy Spumoni snow boots, and there's no size. Was Arnold just supposed to get any size and hope Mr. Bailey's daughter or whoever would fit into them perfectly? For a show that digs pretty deep with its lessons, there are still some details I wish the animators and writers would cover better.

The snow boots are the last thing Arnold and Gerald need to get, and oh boy, are they going to be sorely disappointed when they find out there are absolutely none left in the entire city.

Helga, once again, finds Arnold the perfect gift--this time a $100 video game with an arbitrary number in the name like all TV video games do. What's it called? Frozen Tundra Death Warrior 7000? Why do I feel like the writers have never actually played video games before? In 1996, I'd have been getting Arnold Crash Bandicoot. 

Of course, Helga's fantasies of Arnold opening her gift and falling into the lap of love with her are ruined by Arnold and Gerald walking by, noticing Helga about to buy the game for "someone," and ripping the idea of the game as a gift to shreds by deeming it too "flashy" and "impersonal." Well, there goes that.

Arnold drops Mr. Bailey's list. Helga picks it up and notices the snow boots on the list, thinking those are what Arnold must want.

And speaking of snow boots, Arnold and Gerald get laughed out of every shoe store in the city when they try to ask for them--the most sought-after ugly footwear that's sold out every-God-damn-where.

At 6:00 PM when the federal office is about to close, Arnold and Gerald return to Mr. Bailey's office with the news that they got everything but the boots, and Mr. Bailey absolutely loses it. The boys try to explain that they're sold out all over the city, but Mr. Bailey doesn't give a shit--no boots, no deal. Well, you know, this wouldn't have happened if you or your wife got the boots when they first came out instead of waiting the absolute, literal last few hours before Christmas morning to shove $300 in a couple of strangers' hands to do your shopping for you. I can't imagine what his wife would say or do if she found out what her husband did!

So, Arnold and Gerald leave the office, hopeless and defeated, and sputtering out exposition loud enough for Helga to overhear and understand exactly what's going on.

Someone better remind these two not to become government spies when they get older.

No, I mean they practically give Helga all the information she needs to help Arnold. So much, in fact, that Helga starts feeling guilty about Arnold's dilemma, and heartbroken that Arnold won't be able to fulfill his Christmas miracle. She listens intently as Gerald explains that Arnold has done so much already to help Mr. Bailey, and doing him that favor is what Christmas is all about. If it helps you sleep at night, sure, let's go with that.

Helga returns home miserably to her parents and college-aged sister, Olga, drunk off of eggnog singing the tail-end of "Jingle Bells."

Bob's sweater is to die for. 

Helga flops down on the couch, and for the first time, someone actually notices Helga for once, and in a bad mood nonetheless. What's in that 'nog and how can we infuse it into the Patakis' bloodstreams on a daily basis?

Miriam gives Helga one of her presents to open early to cheer her up, and what do you know? It's the snow boots that are slowly and painfully burning holes through my retinas.

That's the problem with name-brand products. Many people don't buy them for their looks or quality; they buy them for the name. Kind of like how everyone now seems to be obsessed with Michael Kors bags and the like--sure, they may be good quality, but let's be honest--the majority of people only buy them for his name. Everyone is putting so much emphasis on the name--Nancy Spumoni signature snow boots. Who is Nancy Spumoni? Dino Spumoni's wife? Daughter? We never find out. So there is no way you can convince me that those Ronald McDonald elf boots are merely "stylish."

What's even more disgusting than the fact that there are going to be thousands of little girls and teenagers walking the streets with these clown clops looking like they just walked through a murder scene on NCIS is that Miriam stood in line for eighteen fucking hours just to get them. Sick. Absolutely sick. At that point, she should have just ordered them online.

So, Helga goes outside to show off the boots, and then remembers that she should probably give them up to make Arnold happy. So much for Miriam waiting in line for almost an entire day. She's going to kill Helga for this.

Meanwhile, Arnold lies in bed with the images of helicopters and screaming children from Mr. Hyunh's story stomping on the sugarplum fairies in his head.

After a long talk with herself, Helga rushes over to the Federal Office of Information right as Mr. Bailey is locking up, shoves the boots in Mr. Bailey's hands, and asks him to get to work looking up Mai Hyunh, Mr. Bailey is so done sitting in front of a computer that he flat-out rejects the boots and Helga's help locating Mai. And that's when Helga launches into a sentimental speech about the "true" meaning of Christmas and how if he doesn't help Helga locate Mai, Arnold will never believe in miracles again.

Maybe I'm just a scrooge, or because I'm not too fond of kids, but that speech wouldn't exactly motivate me after a long day picking up the slack for my drunk coworkers.

It's Christmas morning, and everyone is opening presents at the boarding house. It's Oskar's turn to open his present, and it's a bag of coal. I mean, it's actually a bag of coal:

It turns out Ernie was Oskar's secret Santa, and I must say, that just isn't right. Sure, no one likes Oskar, but the bag of coal is just supposed to be a gag to get people to behave. I actually feel bad for Oskar--he isn't an evil guy, just selfish and stupid. His voice is so sad, too when he finds out what he got. Aww, Gerald, give him one of your ties.

Grandpa searches the tree for Mr. Hyunh's present, and nothing is there. I would have thought since Arnold couldn't find Mai, he would've scrounged around for an alternate present just in case. That's terrible that he has absolutely nothing to give Mr. Hyunh. Mr. Hyunh is like, "Don't worry about it, it's fine," but everyone can tell he's hurting inside.

Arnold decides to spill his plan to Mr. Hyunh when the doorbell rings. Arnold pauses, watching Mr. Hyunh stare into the fire like at the beginning of the episode. But then, this happens:

It's Mai! She's actually here, in the flesh! Helga and Mr. Bailey did it!

Mr. Hyunh looks over his shoulder after hearing a whisper, and stares at this petite girl at the door, trying to figure out if he's dreaming or dead, because, whoa, how did this just happen?! It's a miracle, that's what! A miracle named Helga, Mr. Bailey, and Arnold.

Mr. Hyunh and Mai cry into each other's arms, and then Mr. Hyunh introduces everyone to his daughter, now all grown up. And then they say something in Vietnamese that I can't understand (something along the lines of "I missed you so much."). Arnold is in complete shock that this Christmas miracle happened when he was completely done with believing in them, Gerald says that Arnold must have a Christmas angel watching over him. The camera then pans over to Helga, who must have brought Mai to the boarding house herself, standing outside in the snow with a genuine smile and a faint "Merry Christmas, Arnold" just before the end credits.

"Merry Christmas, Arnold." - Helga

Now that was a real Christmas special.




Lessons Learned From This Episode: miracles can happen if you have people who care about you; Christmas is about making people happy with the love and comfort of other people.