S2, E31: "The High Life" / "Best Friends"

We're back again, folks. A brand-new review is here to close out your weekends.


"The High Life"

Arnold and Gerald pass by a toy shop on their totally lame skateboards, and Gerald stares mesmerized through the shop window, coveting a pair of sweet rollerblades: The Bomb. Advanced brake technology, galvenized traction, adjustable dual-density wheels, yadda yadda yadda, jargon jargon jargon. I'm genuinely surprised these blades aren't called The Bomb 3000 or Super-Hydraulic Jungle Jetsetters 4004 or something else that will make these shoes with wheels appear so much cooler with fancy words and a number in the thousands attached to the end. No, I'm really, honestly surprised the product is muted a little bit. Though I still wish someone in the editing department looked over the first draft of the script and whipped out a pen yelling something along the lines of, "Kids don't give a shit about the embellished specs of a toy. If they like the color blue, THEY WILL WANT IT BECAUSE IT'S BLUE."

Hell, even Arnold asks Gerald if he knows what any of that jargon means, and Gerald says he has no idea. So is that it? Is that why Gerald wants these blades so badly? Because of the big, fancy words attached to it? Why aren't dictionaries more popular in this universe?

Arnold asks Gerald how he's going to pay for such a prolix luxury, and then Gerald whips out this ad:

Why is this ad specifically looking for kids to sell these watches? Adults need to make money, too. Though I suppose slamming the door on an adult salesman is much easier than doing the same on an innocent-faced child. Damn, right in the pathos.

At the table, Martin is unsure that his son will be able to handle the responsibility of being a salesman, but Gerald insists that he's got this. Anyone else find it strange how Martin and Gerald sign the contract to sell the Wacko Watches with a pencil? You're supposed to sign contracts with a pen, otherwise it's null and void.

Some time later, Gerald is on the street corner demonstrating just how awesome this watch is. It's waterproof and indestructible. That's about it. It looks like it came off the set of Saved by the Bell with its color-block and triangular design, doesn't do anything but tell time, but YOU CAN HIT IT WITH A HAMMER AND IT WON'T BREAK. BOY HOWDY!

"Shut up and take my money!"

If some random kid can make bank selling these things on a street corner, why isn't the person who invented these selling them? It's likely that Gerald earns commission. Or perhaps Arnold has a point: maybe this whole Wacko Watch thing is nothing but a big rip-off.

It turns out Arnold is right (when is he ever wrong?). Gerald calls the Wacko Watches Headquarters, which is really some shitty apartment building, and asks the CEO or whatever, Mr. Wacko, for another shipment of watches. Mr. Wacko is delighted that Gerald was able to sell so many watches, and includes him in a special "Golden Circle" club for his excellent salesman skills. But, of course, like every TV villain, Mr. Wacko hangs up the phone and laughs a diabolical laugh, imagining how much money he's going to make off of Gerald (rather, his parents) when Gerald digs himself into a hole.

Why does every one-dimensional villain have that evil laugh? Do people honestly think bad guys just sit in a darkened room with a toothy grin laughing to themselves about all the evil they can do? Imagine Monsanto doing that:

"Yes, yes! Go, inject chemicals into all this produce, slap the word "organic" on the label, and everyone everywhere will be duped by our scheme to poison America and take their money! Mwahahahahaha!"

I wonder if that bulletin board is filled with all the kids he's scammed.

Gerald's sold a Wacko Watch to just about everyone in the city. I wonder why no one else thought to start selling watches too, seeing how Gerald is making a killing.

But soon enough, Gerald starts receiving too many shipments of watches to the point where he has to stuff his inventory into his bedroom closet. Martin comes in to try to talk to Gerald about him selling all these watches. Gerald knows damn well that the time will come when he has no one left to sell to (which is ridiculous considering he can go worldwide and sell them on eBay or something), so he desperately tries to hide his imminent doom from his father. And oh boy, this scene is just painful to watch. No pun intended.

It's so annoying whenever someone gets into deep shit and tries to hide it from everyone. "No, no, everything's fine, no problems here" in that panicky tone of voice that is so obviously not fine. In the real world when someone tries to hide their struggles, they say in a sharp, confident voice that everything is peachy... and then promptly drown in their metaphorical feces. I want to see Gerald break down and cry that he made a huge mistake. Just give me something new!

Then Gerald goes to the arcade with all his Wacko Watch money, and I guess this is how that stupid planking fad started:

I wonder if this is supposed to be the equivalent of someone in severe debt going on an alcohol/drug binge as a last-ditch attempt to get that high like before. It sure makes a lot of sense, considering Gerald even splurges on ice cream for all his friends. At least it's just ice cream--cocaine would be a hell of a lot more expensive.

Once Gerald burns a hole through his wallet, the high from rolling in cash comes down to a simmer and he realizes that he has no one left to sell watches to.

As for the rollerskates? He has forgotten this whole watch-selling plan was intended to earn him enough money to buy them--but now he's back to where he began--a sad, idealist little boy with nothing but lint in his pockets... and about thirty boxes of Wacko Watches left to sell.

Of course, Arnold gets an idea.

Gerald goes to the head honcho himself--Mr. Wacko. He lays down some serious grade-A pitch about how he's such a fantastic salesman, he had to raise his prices three times because everyone was lining up just to get their hands on a Wacko Watch. The idiot salesman actually falls for Gerald's lies, and realizes he could be making triple the profit if he sold his watches at Gerald's new prices. No charts, no proof, nothing to show that Gerald even sold a single watch. And then Mr. Wacko practically begs Gerald for his oversaturated shipment for double the price he sold to Gerald originally, and they've got a deal. Mr. Wacko's right--a sucker is born every minute. Sometimes it just takes a nine-year-old kid to bring the sucker out of you.

So, it looks like Gerald is going to get his blades after all, until Martin gives Gerald his bill for his phone line, beeper, and business cards he bought with the money he made. There goes that.

This episode wraps up quite depressingly, as Gerald is now broke as a joke. Looks like he'll have to mow some lawns and wash some cars if he wants those blades now.



"Best Friends"

As part of Mr. Simmons's new-agey, liberal Uniquely You project, Sid and Stinky make Harold eat half his body weight in chocolate. Or until he pukes. Whichever comes first.

Meanwhile, Nadine and Rhonda, best friends who, according to Arnold "always get along," totally got this--they're going to have something totally wicked. And with Arnold as their third partner, they're going to have the raddest project P.S. 118 has ever seen. Or are they?

Rhonda wants to do a fashion of the 1960s review. Nadine wants to do a report on the Malaysian beetle. Instead of choosing something else they can both decide on, they decide to end their friendship. Boy, that escalated quickly.

It's bad enough that Rhonda and Nadine are willing to put their friendship on the rocks over a disagreement over a project topic, but now they're forcing Arnold to do two projects. That's just messed up.

But honestly, this is Mr. Simmons's fault--if the project is supposed to be called Uniquely You, why isn't everyone doing their own individual projects?

So now Arnold is caught right in the middle of their fight, but he's confident that it'll blow over by the next day. Spoiler alert: it doesn't.

For the next few days, all Rhonda and Nadine do is talk shit about each other to Arnold. Poor kid has to do two projects--neither of which he has any say in--and listen to Rhonda talk about how unfashionable Nadine is and to Nadine about how materialistic Rhonda is. Arnold should have gone to Mr. Simmons to help them patch up their tissue-thin friendship.

You know, I bet if Helga was their third-wheel partner, she would have settled this real quick: "I ain't doing clothes from the sixties, and I don't want to touch any disgusting beetles. We're doing play-by-plays on Wrestlemania. If either of you have a problem with that, you'll be answering to old Betsy and the Five Avengers. Got it?!"

This fight is really getting out of hand--now Arnold practically has to do everything alone. Rhonda comes over with a box of Nadine's stuff, telling Arnold to give them back to her. Nadine also drops by with a cage for Rhonda lined with Rhonda's fashion drawings and a big ass tarantula inside.

Life sucks when you're such a pushover.

Rhonda and Nadine are constantly calling Arnold to talk shit. They won't leave this poor kid alone, will they? Arnold should just turn off his phone. Or unplug it. Something. I understand he doesn't want to get in the middle of their fight, but he's the middleman here--he's got to say something, like threaten to tell Mr. Simmons what they're doing to them. Or maybe force Rhonda's hand into that tarantula cage. And, I don't know, stick a dress and a new hairdo on Nadine.

Also, minor detail: that poster on Nadine's wall when she calls Arnold should say "SHELLS." No apostrophe. S-H-E-L-L-S. Does no one teach basic grammar anymore?!

And does Rhonda seriously wear a Rapunzel costume to bed? That's just... weird.

The next day, Arnold struggles to stay awake because Rhonda and Nadine kept him up all night with their incessant yammering. So then he enlists Gerald to help him figure out where and how their fight began. I'd like to say just ask Rhonda and Nadine why they started fighting, but they would probably just start shit-talking each other again. Arnold better hope he doesn't produce any daughters if he can't handle this now.

They interview Harold and Stinky, who I guess witnessed what happened during lunch, and they barely help. All they do is remind Chocolate Boy of chocolate, and he goes digging through the trash bin for two-day-old chocolate. Holy shit, this kid is nuts!

Phoebe then comes along, with only an orange and a carton of milk for lunch (did she forget her lunch money, or are they serving mystery meat again?) and explains that Nadine and Rhonda don't know how to compromise, and their feelings got hurt when they shot down each other's idea. I really don't understand how Arnold didn't figure this out from the beginning.

Anyway, he brings the girls to the park separately, and when they see each other, Arnold makes them say they're sorry, and they hug. Yes, the universal problem-solving method: an apology and physical contact.

You're still forgetting one thing, Arnold: you didn't solve diddly-squat!

If Rhonda and Nadine are willing to stop being friends over a disagreement in project topics, they weren't friends to begin with. Now, I know kids argue a lot and "stop being friends" for stupid reasons, and maybe this is only eyeroll-worthy because I'm almost 23 years old, but, you know what? I got nothing. These are typical kids.

But I still stand by my previous statement about how Arnold didn't solve the real issue at hand. They can't do two projects separately and make Arnold work on both of them, so what are they doing?

Aw, hell no! That's just wrong.

Don't bring Gerald into this! What did he ever do to deserve this humiliation?! That's it: Arnold, never do a project with Rhonda and Nadine ever again.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: learn how to recognize a scam so you can outscam a scammer; learn how to budget your money; a hug and an apology is all it takes to rebuild any friendship.