S2, E30: "Mudbowl" / "Gerald Moves Out"

Hey, guys. Sorry this review is being posted so late. My Internet has been knocked out since Sunday morning and I just got it back up and running. So, no, I didn't disappear into the depths of the Internet or die... just computer problems. 

"Mudbowl"

Arnold and his friends play a nice, relaxing game of FOO-BAWWW.

They're having a great time... until Wolfgang shows up to piss all over their fun.

Wolfgang and his posse of knuckledraggers tell Arnold and his friends to clear out so they can play, but Arnold says that they have a right to be at the park just as much as Wolfgang does. Seeing as the fourth graders aren't going to back down, Wolfgang proposes a football game--5th graders vs 4th graders this Saturday at 2:00. Don't these kids ever have family events to go to on the weekend or something?

Anyway, Arnold straight-up tells Wolfgang that they're totally game, much to everyone's shock. Sid weasels over and suggests a good, wholesome game of chess since he's really not in the mood to get his head mistaken for the ball, and it's making everyone else look really bad. Come on, Sid, don't be a weenie--these are 5th grade bullies you're talking to. Don't make yourself even more of a target. Besides, I'm not exactly fond of you since your last appearance, so get out of the shot and let everyone yell at Arnold for being so unnecessarily bold to go up against ten-year-olds with bodies of high schoolers.

Helga decides that Arnold's plan of practicing for the game is too complicated, so she takes the liberty of becoming the unofficial coach, handing out sugar-laden protein shakes and forcing everyone through hardcore drills that test their physical and mental limits. Damn, she doesn't mess around.

Helga is absolutely brutal to these kids. And because she's such a bossy bitch, no one (except Arnold) tells her to back the hell off. She'd probably bring Mr. Miyagi to tears.

At the end of the day, everyone walks home with more muscle aches and bruises than any pro football player has ever received. Gerald turns to Arnold and is like, "What the fuck is wrong with you, challenging Wolfgang to a football game?!" to which Arnold replies in his usual naive, positive nature, "Aw, come on. How bad could it be?" This is followed by Wolfgang running across the street after a football and body-slamming a goddamn mailbox. Damn! Milk did his body good!

Tim Tebow would be proud.

The next day at lunch, everyone sits at the table miserably. I suppose they're either imagining what their future lives would have been had Arnold not volunteered everyone to play, or they're trying to come up with the right words to present to their parents that they're about to die on Saturday.

It looks as if the kids are about to get let off the hook and be set free when Wolfgang comes over to the table to taunt the fourth graders, but then Arnold shuts everyone's excuses down with a speech to Wolfgang about how they're so going to cream the 5th graders, and he makes this face that I swear everyone just wants to punch at this very moment.

It looks as if it's going to take a miracle for the fourth graders to win this game, and that's when Mr. Miracle himself walks by, inspiring an idea. Can you guess who that is?

At first, Wolfgang looks at Torvald and is like, "He ain't no fourth grader. He's huge!" but Arnold proves he is with the official class photo. So, Torvald is in. (Isn't Harold supposed to be 12? Why isn't he called out?) I like how Torvald is all for this game--hey, if he can get a C+ in math, certainly he can get at least a B- in football.

The plan is to give the ball to Torvald, and they should be golden. And when the game begins, Torvald really tears some ass on the field.

While this may seem like cheating (it kind of is), everyone seems relieved that they won't have to do much running around since Torvald seems to have this covered... except when he steps in a ditch and twists his ankle. Nice.

New plan: Harold takes the ball and runs. That fails, because when Helga throws the ball to him, Harold doesn't even try to make a grab for it, like he's afraid of touching the ball, and somehow the ball ends up in Eugene's hands. Oh, why is Eugene here? He's only going to get group-tackled. And... I'm right.

Phoebe is keeping score, and the fifth graders are murdering the fourth graders. No surprise. Looks like it's time for a new plan. Everyone wants to run Arnold's plays, but Helga doesn't want any of it. It's only when the vote to outsmart instead of outrun the fifth graders becomes unanimous that Helga throws her hands in the air and lets Arnold be quarterback.

And Arnold's plans actually begin to work:

Everyone's doing so well, even Helga starts cheering. And the score ties 42 to 42.

But then it begins to rain. How the hell does it go from sunny, blue skies to pouring rain in three seconds?! But, Gerald makes the catch, winning the game with a dramatic mudslide.

Arnold and his friends cheer, the fifth graders curse themselves, and now the fourth graders have sweet gloating rights any time any fifth grader steps foot into the park from now on.



"Gerald Moves Out"

It's another morning at the Johanssen household. Gerald's brother, Jamie-O, is being a dick (as it's apparent this is normal behavior for him) and Timberly is fucking up all of Gerald's stuff because she can't keep her hands away from other people's belongings, so naturally, Gerald is quite pissed off. Thank goodness my siblings are 15 years older than me and were already moved out when I was in elementary school.

Gerald goes to his mother to ask her to beat some sense back into her kids, but she straight-up ignores his pleas for help because hey, it's not her problem. I wonder what she would do if Gerald was having suicidal tendencies.

"Mom, I feel like I just want to disappear off this damn Earth."
"That's nice dear. Don't forget to take out the trash."

Man, I hate parents like that.

And then Gerald's father, Martin, practically kicks his ass over a $192 electricity bill, and makes him conserve energy by restricting him to two songs a day. Damn, what a cheap bastard! How does he even suspect Gerald is responsible for the high bill? There are 5 people living in that house. Jamie-O is probably using a good chunk of electricity in the morning staring at himself in the mirror with the lights on. Timberly is most likely watching that stupid Wallie alligator thing all day long.

And besides, how can Gerald listen to any music anymore when Timberly wrapped all his books with the "shiny ribbon" inside his cassette tapes? I bet this episode is the reason why everyone switched over to CDs for the next ten years.

Gerald then spills his troubles to Arnold as he hangs a "For Rent" sign out in front of the boarding house. He imagines what it would be like if he had his own place all to himself--no Jamie-O, no Timberly, and all the junk food he can eat in a swanky apartment building.

Also notice that in Gerald's fantasy apartment, he has a photo of Phoebe on the wall. Ooh, looks like someone's got a crush!

Arnold tells Gerald that his life is fine; he just has to share it with four other people. Gerald isn't satisfied with that answer, so, he gets an idea. He's moving out. And where will his new home be? Well, there is a vacancy at this one building. There's no butler or elevator, but...

Gerald sits down with Grandpa and tells him he wants out of his whack-ass house and into the open room in the boarding house for a bit of freedom. Now, Grandpa may be eccentric, but he isn't stupid, so he excuses himself to call Gerald's parents to let them know how unhappy Gerald is at home. So, Grandpa and Mrs. Johanssen make a deal: Gerald will "live" at the boarding house in the spare room until he and his family work out their issues and "learn a big, sentimental lesson." I love how this show recognizes that these kids shows are so forced and sappy just to make kids learn valuable lessons. Though I must admit, if this was my child, I'd let him do it just so he can learn that living in the comfort of a family who pays and takes care of everything for you is 100 times better than living on your own.

Grandpa then returns to offer Gerald the spare room at a rate of a quarter a day. Gerald triumphantly accepts, and begins moving in.

Meanwhile, back at the Johanssens' house, Martin is about to blow his top in anger that his nine-year-old son "moved out" but his wife coerces him to go along with the plan. She's confident that Gerald will come around in a day or two.

Meanwhile, Gerald is living the good life.

Cleaning and decorating is the easy part. 

Gerald gets his first kick of reality when he goes downstairs to drop off his laundry, and Ernie and Mr. Hyunh tell him that he has to do it himself. I hope you have enough quarters for your daily rent, Gerald.

"Riding in clothes dryer is forbidden without adult."

Living independently goes from slightly inconvenient to downright unacceptable for Gerald when he can't sleep at night due to city noise breaking through the poorly-insulated cracks in the windows, he gets shitty food for dinner, and has to take a ticket to use the bathroom as if he's waiting on line at the deli. Plus, he ruined his famous 33 sweater.

I get that it's a pain having to do laundry yourself, and having good food to eat should be a basic human right, but things could be a lot worse. Like mice running in and out of the room, the boarders could be torturing Gerald on a daily basis, or even having to cook for himself since he doesn't like Grandma's cooking. Oh, the horror of learning things yourself! These inconveniences could have been a lot more creative to scare kids away from the idea of moving away from their parents, but I suppose these reasons suffice.

Arnold suggests that Gerald should just move back home if he can't handle the independence, but Gerald's like, "Nah, I made such a big stink about moving out that it'll be humiliating admitting I screwed up."

So, it's decided that Gerald will only go back home if his family asks him to come back. At that very same moment, the Johanssens are about to go visit Gerald at his new home, and Mrs. Johanssen reminds everyone to not ask Gerald to come home. Oh, boy. Now Gerald is going to be trapped in that boarding house forever.

So, when Gerald's family come to visit them, Gerald tries to push them into inviting him back home, but everyone sticks to their promises. In fact, they seem kind of "happy" that Gerald has moved out. And now Gerald is upset, even though having his own space and privacy is exactly what Gerald wanted.

And just to add a kick in the balls to this blow to the gut, Mr. Hyunh comes by with a ball of lint and yells at Gerald for not cleaning out the dryer when he did laundry.

"I am not your mother!" - Mr. Hyunh

Gerald takes a walk back to his old house, and Grandpa watches from out the living room window, laughing to himself that his plan worked. Gerald watches through the window how happy everyone is sitting down to a nice, family dinner, and boy does Gerald get jealous. "How could they be so happy without me there?!" So, Gerald goes inside to bust them up. My, my, weren't those powerful words! "I'mma bust you up." Isn't that a bit risque for Nickelodeon?

Anyway, Gerald breaks down and says he was crazy to move out and into the boarding house, and just wants to come home. Cue hugs.

But wait--this solves nothing. What exactly happened here? Gerald "moved out" for a reason. He didn't just get up and say out of the blue, "I'm out of here." His brother is a big bully, his sister is a nosy little brat, his mother ignores his pleas for help, and his father is a frugal asshole. I can totally understand why Gerald did what he did--he's not the problem; his family is. Why aren't those issues addressed? Is Gerald just supposed to deal with his annoying siblings and just ignore the fact that his mother doesn't care about anything Gerald has to say? Or what about the fact that Martin sets unreasonable limits on how much electricity Gerald can use, especially since he's likely not the one responsible for a 200 dollar electricity bill. Like I said: there are FIVE people living in that house. Unless Gerald was running his own DJ booth in his room every night, I call bullshit on him running up the bill that high.

Everyone needs to start pulling their own weight, otherwise I'll take Gerald in myself and calling everyone in that house into the neighborhood shrink.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: brains over brawn; living on your own is harder than it looks; just deal with the flaws in your family instead of addressing the problems