S1, E15: "Spelling Bee" / "Pigeon Man"

Greetings, and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Happy New Year to everyone, and I mean everyone. December certainly is the most festive month of all, what with Christmas especially being shoved in everyone's faces from September 'till New Year's Eve. There really should be a universal holiday that everyone around the world can celebrate (and before you say that's what New Year's Eve/Day is for, keep in mind the Chinese have their New Year celebration in late January or early February). Anything to avoid the blood-boiling political correctness of "Happy Holidays--now remove those decorated trees and Santa from the mall; they might offend some people."

Now, without further adieu (because I'm getting a late start on these reviews), let's jump right into this week's episodes:


"Spelling Bee"

The annual spelling bee is coming up, and Arnold and Helga are a shoo-in for first prize. For some reason, Ms. Slovak tells Helga to make sure she doesn't spend the prize money all in one place, followed by a wink, to which Helga replies smugly replies, "Oh I'll win, just like I'm supposed to." And then once the bell rings, Ms. Slovak turns into Speedy Gonzalez and darts out of the room, pulling the desk tops off of everyone's desks:

I'm surprised I was able to screenshot this much.

What a strange scene. I guess Ms. Slovak really hates her job.

Arnold tells Helga good luck tomorrow, but Helga turns her nose up at him, and then prepares for some sensual "alone time" with her and her thoughts about Arnold once he's out of earshot. Perhaps there's a reason there is no soliloquy this time--someone in the animation department would have gotten arrested.

Arnold and Gerald gush over the possibility of Arnold winning the spelling bee as they covet a keyboard in a shop window and list all of its specs like kids do in every other cartoon. Then again, Arnold does like nice specs. Remember in "Cool Jerk" how he admired Frankie G.'s impressive stereos? Best of all, the keyboard is, coincidentally, $499.95. Whether or not Arnold would actually be able to afford the keyboard depends entirely on how much tax the government will take out from his winnings. If he wins, of course.

We cut to Helga, who whines about how this spelling bee is going to be the death of her, because she loses no matter what happens. Wow, there really needs to be a scene added before this for context. Oh, and then Helga kicks a can, accidentally making Eugene swerve wildly on his bike and land directly into a yard full of angry pitbulls. Yikes.

As Arnold preps for the spelling bee, the scene rolls over to the Patakis' dwelling, where we learn for the first time that Big Bob runs a beeper emporium. He had recorded a (not-so-catchy) commercial promising to potential customers that if Helga doesn't win the spelling bee, everyone will receive a free beeper. What. The. Fuck?!

Okay, a few things about this scene--yes, Big Bob is a business man. A very unethical one at that. The dangerously skinny bull he's straddling in the commercial would have both PETA and the ASPCA riding his ass to court before the commercial finishes airing.

Second, now I can understand why Helga was stressing out earlier--Big Bob has obviously put an enormous amount of pressure on Helga to win the spelling bee because, honestly, what corrupt businessman would be okay with giving out his products for free? He must be pretty damn confident that she will win to gamble like this. Who knows, maybe he rigged the competition? I don't know. Personally, I wouldn't bet, say, my entire bank account for Michael Phelps to win the next swimming competition at the Olympics, despite him being one of the greatest swimmers of all time.

What comes next honestly should be classified as child abuse, as Big Bob emphasizes the hundreds and hundreds of trophies Olga had won when she was a child, literally shoving Helga's face into them. "You're a Pataki, and Patakis are winners," he keeps saying, a phrase many families are sadly familiar with. Unfortunately, it's all up to Helga to keep the family tradition of winning alive and strong.

Big Bob proudly claims he saved a tiny spot in the center of a shelf for the trophy he wants Helga to win from the spelling bee, a sentiment that adds salt to the slug.

Luckily, the scene cuts to Arnold struggling to learn every word in the dictionary, where Grandpa brings him a tray of milk and cookies, smiling about how proud he'll be of his grandson no matter what happens.

Truly, I don't think Arnold even gives a crap about winning the spelling bee; he just wants the keyboard.

So, it's the day of the spelling bee, and, ironically, the welcome banner is misspelled:

Is that supposed to be a cruel joke to throw these kids off?

Arnold goes into the auditorium with Grandpa and Grandma following, and Gerald surprises Arnold for support. Meanwhile backstage, Big Bob emphasizes the importance of winning the spelling bee once again, taking the abuse to new heights by making Helga wear an old medal of Olga's for "good luck." Seriously, this is painful to watch. I can only imagine what goes on at home that the camera isn't showing us.

So, the bee begins, and the other kids falter rather quickly. Soon, it's down to Arnold, Helga, and this kid named Seymour. Seymour spells the word "pasquinade," a word that's seemingly difficult to spell. To me, it seems like the most phonetic out of most of the other words the kids were spelling, but that's beside the point. It turns out Seymour had dropped a hidden microphone in his ear where someone (likely his mom or older sister) had been in a back truck somewhere with a dictionary feeding the spelling of his words to him through it, rendering him disqualified. Shouldn't the people running this competition check for these things prior to the event?

So, The Terminator ends up taking him offstage.

Now, it's down to Helga and Arnold.

Before the next word is called, Big Bob calls Arnold over behind the curtain and basically tells him to miss his next word so that Helga can win, and even offers to give him the $500 prize money out of his own pocket. Arnold then imagines himself as Elton John playing the keyboard onstage, because no matter what, he'll now be getting the money he needs for the keyboard anyway.

You're no Rocket Man, Arnold.

But seriously, how low of a human being do you have to be to resort to asking a talented kid to miss his next word on purpose just so his daughter can win the trophy? Methinks Bob is now regretting making that bold promise in his commercial, because Arnold is some tough competition.

And then he attempts to bring Arnold's self-esteem down by saying "If you lose, you win. If you try to win, you'll probably lose." And then he shoves the already-made check into Arnold's hands before shoving him back onstage. Okay, this has gone far enough. It's bad enough that Bob is pressuring Helga to win just so he can live vicariously through his daughters who, all their lives, have been pressured to obtain material symbols of success and significance to fuel this cockamamie desire to be the best at everything, but now he's trying to do it through Arnold, too? Well, Bob has made a huge mistake. If this was anyone else, they probably would have accepted the check and purposely misspelled their next word. But this is Arnold, guys. And we know he's going to do the right thing.

Taking a flamethrower to that check would have been more justified, but okay.

So, Arnold correctly spells "onomatopoeia" and walks offstage. Helga finds the crumpled check on the floor and discovers that Big Bob is nothing but a big phony who didn't even think she could win this competition on her own. She gets deeply hurt. In retaliation, she purposely misspells the word "qualm"--the word that earned Olga her spelling bee medal--giving Arnold the title of Spelling Bee champ.

And boy, is Big Bob PISSED.

If this was a darker show, Bob would have pulled Helga into a back corner somewhere and beat the living shit out of her. Alas, Bob just breaks down thinking about all those free beepers he's going to have to give away now.

Damn, that's a big ass trophy for a spelling bee. No way would that have fit on that dinky spot on the shelf.

 Grandpa and Gerald tell Arnold how proud they are of him, and then Arnold says he hopes Helga isn't taking the loss too hard. I don't know if he knows that Helga knew about Big Bob's plan or not, but at least now he knows he earned that keyboard the right way.

And now, Helga is free. Free from ever being pressured into winning for her father's benefit ever again:

 



"Pigeon Man"

Arnold leads his own pigeon symphony as a method of training, because why the hell not?

The pigeons' names are Lester, Fester, and Chester. Arnold seems to have an affinity for Chester, as he's the bird he interacts with the most. When giving them their dinner, Arnold notices Chester isn't eating, so he deduces that he probably isn't hungry. So, he ties a note around his foot and asks him to fly it to Gerald's house. Carrier pigeons, eh? Cute idea, but it's 1996, Arnold.

Chester is having trouble flying when Arnold throws him off the roof, but he manages to gather the strength to spread his wings and fly.

About an hour later, some of Arnold's friends meet up around the boarding house so they can play some baseball, but they notice Gerald isn't there yet. Arnold says he sent Chester to meet them there an hour ago, which sounds incredibly ridiculous on the surface, but carrier pigeons are actually quite smart. Gerald shows up, having received the note after all, and points out that Chester is malfunctioning and drops right out of the sky. Right in front of the boarding house. Again, how oddly convenient. Arnold makes an Olympic dive for him and catches the bird in his mitt. Luckily, he's alive, but very sick.

How does Arnold's mitt make any difference, though? Chester still landed hard and fast onto a solid surface; that alone should have killed him.

Phoebe says that Chester looks terrible, so Sid suggests that Arnold should take Chester to see Pigeon Man. Everyone gasps in horror, because apparently, this Pigeon Man is insane in the membrane; nutso-cuckoo; off his rocker; you get the idea. Phoebe has never heard of the Pigeon Man, which is an excuse for Gerald to tell the tale:

So, there was this apartment building that has been abandoned since an enormous fire burned through the insides in 1969. Since then, pigeons have been gathering by the thousands on its rooftop, all to a mysterious man: half-man, half-pigeon.

Some believed he was hatched from an egg, and had feathers and a beak like a real bird. No one knows exactly who this guy is or what he looks like, but what they do know is that he's been caring for these pigeons for years. Pigeon Man.

Everyone tells Arnold that Pigeon Man is a "freak of nature" and someone not to approach, but Arnold doesn't care. He's desperate to keep Chester alive and deduces that Pigeon Man is the only one who can help him.

As Arnold enters the abandoned building-turned-aviary, he witnesses the thousands of pigeons that occupy it, and the scene actually gets creepier as Arnold ascends the staircase. The pigeons suddenly go apeshit, screeching and flapping in all directions, causing Arnold to burst through the roof door and release hundreds of frightened pigeons.

Once Arnold gets on the roof, he looks around for Pigeon Man. Arnold spots a homeless-looking man looking over the edge of the roof, and it turns out to be him. But the rumors are false--he's not half-man, half-pigeon, nor does he have a beak or feathers coming out of his skin. Well, his big nose looks kind of like a beak, but alas, it's just a lonely, middle-aged man with big, sad eyes.

Arnold tells Pigeon Man about Chester, and Pigeon Man says softly for Arnold to come back tomorrow. And that's it.

Arnold tells his friends all about his 20-second interaction with Pigeon Man and how he's going back there tomorrow to pick up Chester. Everyone thinks Arnold is just as nuts as Pigeon Man is.  For trusting a complete stranger to take care of his bird? Yes. For disproving the ridiculous rumors about this hermit who resides on a roof? No. At least not in the context of this show; in real life, you can't just go up to people like that.

Arnold returns the next day to find that Chester is happy and healthy again. He has a bandage on his stomach, which makes me think Pigeon Man had to do some kind of surgery to remove something from his stomach. He instructs Arnold to feed him berries a four times a day, and wants him to bring Chester back next week for a check-up.

Arnold asks how Pigeon Man was able to talk to Chester, and Pigeon Man replies that he's spent a lot of time with pigeons. Essentially, he's a self-proclaimed pigeon-whisperer, and he trusts them as much as they trust him. That prompts Arnold to ask if Pigeon Man ever gets lonely being up here all by himself, to which Pigeon Man says no.

Pigeon Man and Arnold chat for a bit about the neighborhood and P.S. 118, which Pigeon Man had attended as a child. He was apparently in Ms. Slovak's class, too. What a coincidence. Pigeon Man had done a project on birds and became absolutely fascinated with them ever since. His friends thought he was weird for liking birds (As opposed to what? Whoopie cushions and action figures?) and I guess he just became a hermit from there because all his friends stopped talking to him.

Arnold says that there are good people out there, and Pigeon Man agrees. And then he says to call him Vincent. Arnold decides to take Pigeon Man (or should I now refer to him as Vincent?) back into the neighborhood to experience the real world again, stopping first at a pizzeria. Mmm... pizza. Meanwhile, Harold, Stinky, and one-off character, Joey, watch Arnold and Pigeon Man interact from across the street and scoff at how crazy Arnold is.

So, the three idiots decide it would be a great idea to go up onto Pigeon Man's roof and fuck the place up. You know, just for shits and giggles. They run around, playing with Pigeon Man's stuff and destroying his property, until the pigeons get pissed off and start attacking the boys out of instinct. Yeah! Go, pigeons, go!

Honestly, what did Harold, Stinky, and Joey think would happen? Birds are very territorial creatures, and you all just invaded their sanctuary.

Arnold and Pigeon Man return to the rooftop so that Arnold can pick up Chester, only to swing the roof door open to the aftermath of what Harold, Stinky, and Joey have done. The entire place is a mess; the cages are broken, there's rubbish everywhere--the entire rooftop is in disarray, and most of the birds have disappeared in terror.

Arnold is in complete shock that someone would be so low to destroy this lonely man's private property, but Pigeon Man isn't surprised at all. He merely shakes his head and says to Arnold "The birds will come back. I understand them. It's people I don't understand." And that just might be one of the most insightful quotes on the entire show.

Thus, Pigeon Man tells Arnold that it's time for him to go. This is probably due to Pigeon Man's fears that Harold and his idiot friends will return again, but he says it's the best thing for him. Some people are meant to be with other people, and others, like himself, are meant to be without human contact. It's actually really sad. It would have been even more depressing had Pigeon Man not said that Arnold taught him that some people can be trusted, but it's still bittersweet.

"You've taught me that some people can be trusted, and I'll never forget that." - Vincent "Pigeon Man"

Pigeon Man tells Arnold that he's going to find somewhere where he can live in peace with his birds, which makes me wonder why he just now decided to do that. It seems like this guy went years without interacting with anyone, so why didn't he leave years ago? Again, this is probably due to Pigeon Man now being afraid that his home will be destroyed again, so running off away from people is a way for him to ensure peace and sanctuary among himself and his feathered friends.

Possibly, Pigeon Man could have also remained in the city for this long because there was a tiny beacon of hope that he would run into good people like Arnold, but perhaps Arnold simply arrived too late in his life for Pigeon Man to want to stay.

Pigeon Man's destiny is to care for, love, and live among pigeons, so he calls his friends over, they pull on the ropes of his jacket, and lift him up into the air to take him far away.

Pigeon man gives Arnold some advice--to fly toward the sun--as he flies toward the sun himself.

This is one of those episodes that really deserves to be a half-hour special. There is so much than needed to be said about humanity as a whole, and I'm just slightly disappointed that this wasn't explored deeply enough. Nevertheless, it's a wonderful episode anyway.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: if someone is trying to use you for their own benefit, stick it to them and make sure they don't get their way; while humanity as a whole is questionable, there are people who can be trusted.