S2, E25: "Monkey Business" / "Big Caesar"

"Monkey Business"

The alternate title of this episode should be, "Helga the Hypochondriac."

I initially thought this was one of the Monkeyman episodes. Nope. Today, instead, we have the other monkey episode. Hint: it involves Helga.

Mr. Simmons teaches the class about rare and strange diseases people without access to basic medicine get, one of which--Monkeynucleosis. 

Is this supposed to be a play on the term mononucleosis? Or did the writers just pick a fancy medical suffix out of the medical dictionary and slap "monkey" in front of it to make it sound more serious? It didn't work. Honestly, you can put monkey next to any word, and it would still sound ridiculous. Monkey Flu. Monkey Mill. Monkey Cancer. 

Helga laughs at how stupid monkeynucleosis is, and her skepticism is the exact catalyst needed to pin the target on her for the episode. Mr. Simmons explains that people long ago believed that merely a scratch or touch from a monkey would cause people to develop the disease, which leads to sweating, fever, and even death. So, monkey rabies? He-he. See? I told you--you can't take the word "monkey" seriously. 

Anyway, how are we going to get a monkey into the episode that neither is forced for the sake of the plot nor appears in a random field trip to the zoo? 

After school, Helga and Phoebe talk about the monkey rabies disease, and while Phoebe understands that scientists and doctors back in the day didn't have as much information on diseases as they do now, she wonders what it would be like if such a disease was actually real. Helga pshaws at the whole idea of it because she has no imagination. Once they part ways, Helga immediately runs into Arnold. Why are they always crashing into each other on the corner?

Helga shakes her fist at Arnold (as usual) and then walks off, wondering when the day will come when she can finally reveal her lustful, passionate desires for him. Helga wanders into the park where an organ grinder and his pet monkey just so happen to be performing for a small crowd of people. Ah, there's the ex machina!

In an alternate universe, is there a race of monkeys that like to gather around a human to watch him dance?

Everyone loves the monkey, except for Helga. She's not impressed. The monkey, though, has the opposite reaction. He develops a strange extra-species crush on her (well, to be fair, Helga scowling does kind of make her look like a monkey). The monkey runs over to hump Helga's leg, but because this is a kids' show and not Adult Swim, the monkey is only allowed to give her a slobbery, wet kiss on the arm. Hey, now. Learn some manners! You're in a civilized world, little monkey.

Helga goes home and notices a rash developing on her arm where the monkey slobbered all over her. Remembering what Mr. Simmons said about monkey rabies, Helga manages to hide the fear that she's probably going to die very soon, but only for a few seconds. And yes, this is one of those "character-believes-they're-dying-when-it's-all-a-big-misunderstanding" tropes. 

Helga becomes quite the hypochondriac, so instead of going to the doctor like a normal person, she goes to the library and cracks open a book about fabled diseases that have been debunked by modern science. Wait a minute--that title is misleading. If a disease is fabled, that means it's false. But if a fabled disease is debunked (proven false), does that cancel out to mean that they are real diseases? Whoever published that book ought to be ashamed of him or herself. 

Anyway, Helga flips over to monkeynucleosis and reads off the list of "scientifically implausible" symptoms, including ichiness/puffiness, sweaty palms, loss of appetite, irritability (the last three obvious symptoms of being a hypochondriac), and finally: death. Wow, that's quite a leap from a mere rash. In that case, wouldn't the monkey's organ grinder owner be dead by now? This entire episode screams, "What the fuck?!" but not in the, "This is crazy and screwed up" sort-of way, but rather "What were they thinking writing this episode?" sort of way. The book straight-up says three times that monkeynucleosis is nothing but a fable, and even though Helga just so happens to have a couple of the symptoms, she believes she's going to die. 

Seriously, we are told multiple times that this disease is fake, yet Helga continues to believe it's real. I guess this is just to show that even someone as brash as Helga can have insecurities and moments of naivety, but this is just ridiculous.

That night, Helga dreams about turning into a half-human, half-monkey hybrid that people throw vegetables at.

The only saving grace in this episode is where monkey Helga finds Arnold and confesses her love for him. What's interesting is that, in Helga's mind at least, it's more shocking to Arnold that a monkey girl is talking to him, and not that Helga is in love with him. Arnold backs away in horror, disappearing into the fog. Helga lets out a cry that feels awfully genuine, with high-pitched screeches instead of soft sobbing. 

This is a strong metaphor for the way Helga feels about Arnold. Helga doesn't seem nearly as upset about being a monkey as she is about Arnold abandoning her. Just the thought of him not being in her life would reduce her to tears. Did you hear the screeches in her crying? They felt awfully genuine, as if she was reacting in horror to Arnold hypothetically disappearing from her life. It's as if he's the only, if not best, bright spot in her life. This is so dark for anyone (let alone a nine-year-old) to go through, and we've barely scratched the surface of Helga's character.

The organ grinder appears and makes Helga dance for the crowd. Though if you ask me, this scene would have been much more powerful if it cut off as Helga was crying.

Of course, this kind of episode wouldn't be complete without the "hypochondriac-character-giving-away-all-their-possessions-in-preparation-of-their-presumed-death" trope. Oh and as a side dish, "Why are you doing this? Are you moving?" Thanks for completing this trope, Phoebe. Though Helga's classmates dressing up in funeral garb is rather over-the-top. Why doesn't it tip anyone off that Helga might be dying (despite the fact that we know she's not)? Why this hypochondriac trope? Why be so lazy with the writing of this episode?! 

Helga asks Phoebe to return the fake diseases book to the library for her. Curious Phoebe decides to look into it to see what's going on with Helga.

Sometime later, after Helga has given away all her useless possessions, Arnold is the last to enter Helga's room. Helga takes her sweet time revealing her feelings for Arnold, but of course, right at that moment, Phoebe barges in and reveals that this monkeynucleosis is nothing but hogwash (as if we didn't know this already). And then Helga cheers that she's not dying. 

So, because Helga got extremely lucky, her secret is still safe (because Arnold is incredibly dense) and instead just tells him that she never hated him, but is merely "okay." Arnold tells Helga that she's okay too, and then walks out.

"He thinks I'm okay! And he touched me! And I'm not a monkey!" - Helga

"Big Caesar"

So, there's this fishing contest going on Saturday, and some of Arnold's classmates are gathering all their bait and lures to catch the biggest fish they can hook in the newly-cleaned city lake.

Don't these kids ever want to just sit inside and relax for a day? Do they never just want to play video games all afternoon? No, I'm kidding--it's actually really great that these kids are always doing something other than staring at plastic screens.

Arnold is skeptical that fish can survive and thrive in their toxic waste dump of a lake, even if it was just de-sludged. This conversation leads to the "legend" of Big Caesar. Hit it, Gerald:

Wait, wait--we're starting this legend off with dinosaurs? You mean Jurassic-era, feathered, monstrous-roaring dinosaurs?! Maybe, for once, this actually is a legend. Absolutely no way in the deepest, farthest reaches of hypothetical coincidences could a fish remain alive for over 65 million years. I couldn't even manage to keep my family's goldfish alive when I was five (Sorry, San Diego. Yes, that was what I named him). Perhaps this is why I'm better suited to cats--at least I know how much to feed them.

Anyway, Big Caesar's been around for years, and his lake has shrunk over the course of time due to urban development. And judging by this picture, he looks pissed that his home is shrinking.

But hey, I don't blame him. What if, over time, you watched as someone decided to start building their home through yours until you were forced to be confined to one small room? Granted, by that point, the cops would be called or you would have moved out by then but still. A big ass fish lives in that lake, and we know that someone (Arnold) is going to end up catching it.

Grandpa walks in on Arnold and Gerald building their own fishing pole out of a baseball bat and a meterstick (???) and literally tosses it to the side so he can show them what a real rod looks like:

Apparently, Grandpa has never shown them his fishing room before because Arnold never asked to. Surely he would have found out what was in this room eventually. Whatever. Anyway, Grandpa is proud that his grandson wants to take on Big Caesar. He even tells the story of when he tried to capture him himself about 50 years ago. He actually did manage to catch him with a shiny green bait lure, but the gigantic monster slipped away.

So, this fish actually is real after all. Seeing how he's so well-known and so gigantic, I cannot understand how someone hadn't caught him by now. Certainly people aren't careful enough to protect the creatures living in their city. Not to mention, Big Caesar has probably mutated by now, what with all that pollution formerly occupying the lake, so he would be even more of a spectacle.

Grandpa makes sure to give Arnold and Gerald a stronger wheel when they go after Big Caesar. With any luck, the extra weight would be enough to get a strong hold on him.

For the next few days, Grandpa teaches the boys how to cast their rods, and hilarity ensues:

Were Gerald's trunks already off? Otherwise, that's impressive the way Arnold slid them off of him.

It's the day of the fishing tournament, and all the rental boats have been taken. Arnold and Gerald must resort to using the swan boat from the Cheese Festival episode that just so happens to be empty and not rented out. Everyone makes fun of their boat. Frankly, I'd love to be in that thing. It has foot pedals and is roomier than all the others. Plus, I love swans.

Helga rolls her eyes at Big Caesar possibly existing and Harold and Stinky attempt to catch him themselves by using Stinky's "psychic" powers. Arnold pulls out Grandpa's green, shiny lure that he used to catch Big Caesar all those years ago and attaches it to the pole. They travel out awfully far to an area where they can't even be seen. Is that even allowed? Does anyone care where these kids go? It'll be all their fault when they find two dead bodies floating in the water because no one bothered to put up barriers of any kind.

Meanwhile, Grandpa argues with himself over whether or not he actually saw Big Caesar all those years ago. And hey, check out Grandma's awesome pirate outfit:

I want to be just like her when I get old.

Gerald catches the dinkiest little fish, but Arnold--his pole nearly goes flying into the water. He and Gerald hang onto it with all their might, and then they see their big catch fly right overhead--Big Caesar.

Big Caesar manages to rip the Swan's head clean off its neck when pulling the boat around like a demented carnival ride. Arnold then gets an idea--he ties one end of a rope to the reel of the fishing pole and the other to the foot pedals. Arnold and Gerald start pedaling backwards in order to reel Big Caesar in. How strong are these kids' legs?! And how strong is that reel?! A fish of that size has to weigh at least 500 pounds; you'd need to be the Tim Tebow of the seas to be able to capture that thing.

They reel him up to the side of their boat, throw their net over him, and tie it to secure him tightly. Like I said, Tim Tebow of the seas. You know those old Popeye cartoons where Popeye would eat a can of spinach and gain superhuman strength? Arnold and Gerald must have had two cans each, because that is damn impressive how they managed to do that.

Even more impressively, Arnold and Gerald use their sweaters to build a sail to get themselves back to shore. Damn. Just damn. I was eating grass from my backyard out of curiosity when I was nine. These guys captured and secured a 500 pound fish and constructed their own sail.

Arnold, of course, gives up the opportunity to be rich and famous because Big Caesar gave him the ole puppy dog eyes. Come on, now! Fish can't even blink!

As much as I praise Arnold for doing the right thing, couldn't he have at least kept Big Caesar on the side of the boat like that and then released him after everyone took pictures and shoved TV cameras in their faces? That would have been a win-win for everyone. Stupid Arnold. You can have your cake and eat it, too. You must have the willpower of a monk.

So, Harold and Stinky end up winning the grand prize for catching the biggest fish, but Arnold and Gerald have the satisfaction of knowing they caught Big Caesar. And Grandpa's hook that he lost when he attempted to capture him years ago. I still think Arnold and Gerald should have just brought Big Caesar to the shore just to show everyone they caught him, and then released him. But Arnold chooses to be a wet blanket, so, whatever.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: stop being such a hypochondriac; if you truly want something, you must let it go