S2, E23: "The Big Scoop" / "Harold's Kitty"

"The Big Scoop"

I usually don't like TV show episodes about the school newspaper because the plot is always the same--the gang joins the school paper, writes one juicy story, gets really popular for exposing semi-private gossip, and runs mad with power to exploit students for more juicy gossip to gain even more popularity. Not every kid lusts after popularity, scriptwriters. 

Now, I haven't seen this episode in a long while, so I actually forgot what exactly happens. Let's just hope we're presented with something a little different from the same, tired formula. Otherwise, I'm going to need a sleeping pill the size of Montana. (Extra! Extra! "Giant Pills Pose Gigantic Problems!" The FDA has now regulated sleeping pills 367,000 times larger than humans can consume!)

So, Arnold and some of his friends are running the entire school newspaper, and are preparing to release their latest, greatest story: water fountain water pressure. What, was the delivery of the new chalkboard erasers not exciting enough to report on?

Helga bursts through the door and claims she's got some gritty new story that'll blow everyone's minds out of a fifty-story window. Arnold reminds her that she must fact-check her sources and be completely honest, and he says this really anal-retentively too, like the nerdy little saint he is. 

Don't get me wrong; Arnold is absolutely right. But it's the fact that he's too anal-retentive that's strange to me. He also reminds Helga that her stories aren't always up to school standards, like her last one showing Principal Wartz cozying up to the neighborhood squirrels.

But Helga insists that she's got the story straight, really hammering it in there, so, Arnold decides, "What the hey, let's run with Helga's story." And I assume everyone unanimously agreed that the water fountain story was boring as hell, so they take the chance and expose the "truth" about what really happens with the leftover mystery meat in the cafeteria. And neither Principal Wartz nor the lunch lady are happy about it.

I don't really know what's going on here. Should I call this a blatant lie on Helga's part or political correctness gone haywire? Helga claims that whenever she asked the lunchlady what grub there was to eat, she had always responded, "Same ole thing." Now, I can see where that would get lost in translation. Same ole thing, as in the same thing from yesterday and the day before, or the same meals that are scheduled on the rotating lunch menu? Seeing as Wartz and the lunchlady are visibly upset, I assume it's the latter.  This means that Helga was likely too lazy to get the real story--the lunchlady is just a shitty cook. I suppose I answered my own question and can safely say that Helga straight-up lied. (Then again, how do we even know Principal Wartz isn't just covering the lunchlady's ass so he won't have to budget for a better lunch program?) 

The blame goes on Arnold for printing the story, and I kind of hate to see him in ethical trouble, even though, as the editor, it's his job to make sure what he's publishing is fact-checked and appropriate. I blame both of them, really. Anyway, Principal Wartz tells Arnold that the next paper better be up to school standards. And school standards Arnold solemnly swears to stand by it is.

Helga and Arnold have a falling out, ending with Arnold standing by his truthful facts paper and Helga running off with Phoebe to create their own tabloids since it's more fun. 

The next day, Arnold publishes a story about newly-installed bike racks, while Helga stomps in with her 5-cent Pataki Press, her first story about Arnold fucking a tree. See, I can stretch the truth, too!

Were Maple trees not good enough, Arnold?

Arnold gets seriously offended, but Gerald tells him to chill, since everyone totally knows it's just a fake story. And then when Gerald catches sight of a story Helga making up about him, he turns around and is like, "That shit ain't true!" Now, everyone in school is laughing at them. And because it's their problem and not someone else's, they realize they have to put a stop to The Pataki Press before Helga prints out more embarrassing fake shit about them.

What if Helga had printed a story that Curly is the product of a mental asylum rape? Would Arnold and Gerald go to such lengths to clear Curly's name? Probably not, because it's Curly.

Arnold and Gerald plan to beat Helga out by doing absolutely nothing different (personally, I would put out a story about her creating a tabloid paper to compete with Arnold's paper), so Helga uses the opportunity to sneak over and snoop at Arnold's story so that she can get to it first.

The funny thing about Helga's tabloids is that everyone is more apt to believe what's in them because, according to Stinky, "We gotta pay a nickel to read about it." And there it is--American media simplified to its lowest common denominator: news always seems more important when it costs money. There's a lesson for the kids!

Gerald gets an idea. He enlists Sid to take some "embarrassing" photos of Helga and plans to use them as blackmail in their papers if Helga doesn't stop with her tabloids.

Now I realize why I didn't remember this episode.

Holy hell, there was such a huge opportunity wasted here. Sid could have taken pictures of Helga bowing down to her myriad Arnold shrines or making out with a football on a broomstick. That would have been hysterical and would have created amazing tension between Arnold and Helga ("Why does Helga have a shrine that looks like me, Gerald? I don't get it!"). But instead he captures generic thumb-sucking and "tough bully does pansy girly things" photos that not only are out-of-character for Helga, but, again, is a HUUUUGE wasted opportunity. This entire episode could have been saved from the cliches and tropes that bring it down to forgettable levels. God damn it--I really love this show, I do, but sometimes I just feel like building a time machine, go back to 1997 in the Nickelodeon Studios, and shake Craig Bartlett by the shoulders until the creative juices start pumping through his bloodstream again.

Arnold doesn't feel comfortable stooping to Helga's level with blackmail. Typical. That's why the best thing to do would be for him to print a story about Helga's paper being nothing but truth-stretching tabloids. But, no. 

And now Helga overhears Ernie talking to Principal Wartz about doing some construction on the school, and decides to turn that piece of half-heard information into a huge story about the school being torn down for a new amusement park. Phoebe starts to cry. Why though, when she knows all of Helga's stories are fake? This episode, man. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Arnold goes to Principal Wartz to get some answers, but when he hears that Helga is somewhat correct about the walls coming down, he gets scared and decides to do further investigating. You know, to get the "real" truth.

They go to Wartz's house (is that even legal?), and he tells Arnold and Gerald that walls are going down, yes, but no amusement park is being built--more classrooms are just being added. I'd like to know where they're going to find the space for this. And I'd also like to know why this isn't something that the students know about already. A major construction project happening on school grounds and no one knows about it? Are the kids just supposed to walk into the building the day of construction and make a beeline around the debris and traffic cones?

Just to put unwanted images in everyone's minds tonight, do you realize that Principal Wartz is most likely naked under that robe? 

So, Arnold and Gerald get to work writing up the real story.

Arnold and Gerald deliver the truth right on time, because Helga's coming around the corner with her amusement park story. So, it's solely because Arnold and Gerald got there first, the kids believe their paper. Unbelievable. Actually, no. It's not so unbelievable because this is exactly something people would do.

Everyone boos Helga away, and Helga is ultimately demoted to watching the weather channel and copying the weekly weather into the paper, because she cannot be trusted to do any work on her own. Serves her right, I suppose. 

I wonder why Arnold is looking at Helga like that...

But what boggles my mind is that Arnold keeps harping on how important it is to report the truth. Obviously we adults know why, but the kids who are watching this show will only see that Helga's tabloids got her the most attention and the most readership, and there really wasn't any downside to her lies other than that--they were just lies. 

What I'm saying is that it would have been beneficial for Helga to have some kind of repercussion for spreading all those lies (and no, being demoted to weather girl isn't a repercussion) that led to us learning why spreading lies and stretching the truth is such a bad thing. I don't know, maybe a good one would be that someone would spread a nasty rumor about Helga, and people would believe the rumor (karma), or Helga's lies led to people boycotting the cafeteria's food and driving the lunchlady out of a job and causing her to lose her apartment (cause and effect). 

This was just a clunky episode that I'd hope no one who has never seen this show would use as a basis for whether or not they should continue on with the rest of the series. 

Every show has a bad episode. And so far, this is the worst episode of the series.

"Harold's Kitty"

The alternate title of this episode should be, "First Blood: Harold Berman"

Kitties! Mewwwww! Finally, we get an episode that humanizes Harold for once. 

Harold runs a stick along a fence wrapping around an old Victorian house, and the old lady who lives in it opens her window and screams for Harold to knock off the noise. Harold tells her she can go eat a dick, and the old lady responds by throwing a bucket of water on him that she just happened to have lying around. Serves him right.

Does this happen often enough that she has this bucket ready for unsuspecting hooligans?

This next scene makes absolutely no sense: 

Harold walks past his classmates playing kickball.

Harold laughs at them playing kickball and says he wouldn't want to play with them.

Arnold suggests that everyone should ask Harold to play kickball with them.

Everyone disagrees.

Harold gets upset when everyone ignores him and wonders why they didn't ask him to play.

Seriously, what the fuck?!

I guess Harold is just trying to get attention. But with him acting like a prick, it's no wonder nobody wants anything to do with him. Except Arnold, because he lives in his own Gandhi-filled fantasy world where everyone gets along and no one gets left out. 

Harold kicks himself for being so mean to everyone all the time, which kind of reminds me of how Helga acts every time she's around Arnold. It makes me wonder why Harold and Helga aren't friends (actually, the answer to that is sort-of revealed in a future episode). 

In frustration, Harold throws a pebble at a trash can, causing an echoing cry for help to escape from the can. Harold nearly shits his pants until Arnold comes over and pulls out a floofy little kitten. Squeeeeeee!

Poor baby. How did he end up in a garbage can? 

Harold tries to regain his "manliness" after running around calling out for his mommy by saying he could beat the kitten into a pulp if he wanted to (which makes me want to beat Harold into a pulp for even saying such a thing). Arnold rolls his eyes and hands Harold the kitten while he searches the can for a name tag or contact information of some sort.

At first, Harold despises even touching the kitten, but his cute little ears and eyes start to melt his stone-cold heart, and he quickly falls for the little guy. Oh, Harold! Don't you know that the power of kittens can break down even the vilest of human scum?

Arnold can't find a name tag, so he says he will take the kitten back to his house and try to locate the owner. Of course, the kitten has stolen Harold's heart already, so he offers to take the kitten instead while Arnold goes home to make the posters.

You know, I'm appalled that Arnold would be so nonchalant about letting Harold hold onto the kitten. Wasn't it just seconds ago that he said he could beat him up? I know Harold was just trying to put up a shield of "manliness" and didn't actually mean it, but I certainly wouldn't trust someone like Harold to be alone with an innocent animal. I once had a neighbor whose son would throw rocks at cats. And he acted quite a lot like Harold. Worse, actually. So for Arnold to trust Harold with the kitten is just horrible. He's so naive, he's almost stupid.  Then again, as Harold holds the kitten longer, he starts bonding with him more, going so far as to consider buying him toys and treats. Well, ain't that sweet?

All this bonding reminds Harold that he's starving, and looking at the kitten reminds him of the Hostess cupcake with the white cream inside. And so, he dubs the kitten with the name "Cupcake." 

While Arnold makes signs in his room, Harold takes Cupcake up to his own room and plays with him. He says he knows how Cupcake feels, being all alone with no one to play with or give it attention. But there's a big difference between you and Cupcake, Harold. You choose to act like a dick. Cupcake is merely a kitten who has done no wrong. But in a way, I can still see why Harold likes him so much. 

I chuckled a bit when Harold's mother pounded on the door and warned Harold that if that "animal" pisses on the rug, he's cleaning it up. Now I know where Harold got his initial hatred of animals from. 

And so, for the next few days, Harold and Cupcake become good friends.

At the park, Arnold catches up with Harold, whose bond with Cupcake is growing stronger. He reminds Harold not to get too attached to him because his real owner might call to claim him. Harold gets really pissed, practically claiming that he owns Cupcake now, and runs off, leaving Arnold looking super disappointed.

Harold then finds all the lost kitten posters Arnold has posted (why would he post hundreds of them on one fence?) and Harold goes nuts trying to tear them down. Jesus, Harold. Why don't you just ask your parents to adopt a kitten for you if you want one so badly? 

Remember the old lady from the beginning of the episode? She finds one of Arnold's posters and discovers that her precious kitten, Thurston, has been found.

As Harold is celebrating his one week anniversary with Cupcake (I hope that's not a chocolate cupcake), Arnold calls Harold and tells him that he's coming over with the kitten's owner so she can pick him up. Harold freaks the fuck out, claiming Cupcake as his own, and even boards up his door so Arnold can't get in and take his only friend away from him. The kitten's owner, Mrs. Ryle, tells Arnold that she really misses Thurston, as he's the only friend she has. This is actually really sad, for both Mrs. Ryle and Harold.

Arnold calls out to Harold and tells him to open the door and give up Thurston, but Harold refuses, even moreso when he realizes the woman who owns the kitten is the same woman who dumped the handy bucket of water on him. Arnold warns Harold that if he doesn't give up the kitten, he's going to have to resort to getting his parents, the neighborhood, and the cops involved. Holy shit!

Still, Harold refuses to come down. He's barricaded himself in his room with the kitten with an army helmet on, so I'm guessing this scene is supposed to be reminiscent of the climax of First Blood. Fantastic movie; for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, definitely put it on your to-do list. 

Harold's parents drive up and, having previously learned what is going on, Harold's mother yells for Harold to give up the "disgusting animal," and that just breaks my heart.

"His name's Cupcake, and he's not disgusting!" - Harold
"He spends half the day licking himself. That's disgusting." - Jerry Berman

The police eventually show up, but even the possibility of juvenile hall isn't enough to sway Harold's decision to give up Thurston. Mrs. Ryle starts crying because she misses her baby so much, remembering how tiny he was the day he was born. Aww. So, Arnold figures if he can't get Harold to come out, he has to go in and drag him out himself. Uh, Arnold, you're messing with a kid who could probably beat your football-shaped head into a normal shape. Remember that.

Hell, Arnold has even gotten the choppers beating down on Harold to give up the kitten. Okay, this is just insane. Yes, Harold should give up Thurston. Yes, it's a crime to steal and hoard someone else's pet. But does this kind of a situation warrant military-level police? It's not like Harold is threatening to kill the kitten, or someone else for that matter. Is this city so stagnant that the police have to be called just to get a 12-year-old kid to give up a kitten? Has anyone even asked why Harold insists on keeping this kitten so badly? 

This is First Blood for kids. Harold is Rambo, barricading himself in his room, away from the police with his only "friend" there for comfort. Harold doesn't want to give up Thurston because that would mean losing the only friend he has. Although nowhere near as serious as Rambo developing PTSD after returning from the bloody warzone that was 1970s Vietnam (this show certainly seems to make a lot of Vietnam War references), it's hard not to feel for Harold here. Sure, he's a dick who deserves to get his ass kicked for trying to steal this old woman's kitten, but there's obviously a reason why Harold is the way he is in the first place, and has a lot of difficulty making friends without resorting to belittling them and making them feel like crap.

Arnold squeezes into Harold's room and tells him that Thurston isn't his, and that he belongs to Mrs. Ryle, who's just as lonely as he is. I think the real kicker here is when Arnold tells Harold that if he really cares about the kitten, he'll return him to his rightful owner. And so he does, very, very reluctantly.

Although Mrs. Ryle and Harold can't stand each other, they call a truce seeing how much Harold loves the little fluffy bundle of happiness, so Mrs. Ryle agrees to let Harold come visit Thurston to play with him every once in a while. 

In the end, Harold does come visit Thurston to play with him (and also keep Mrs. Ryle company), and even Harold's classmates start to have a better opinion of Harold now that they know he has a heart after all.

Lessons Learned From These Episodes: always report the truth, the facts, and nothing but; if news costs money to read, it must contain truthful stuff; don't be a dick to people, and you'll have an easier time making friends; the way to a softer heart is through kittens