S1, E9: "Mugged" / "Roughin' It"

Aaaaand welcome back to Hey Arnold! Reviewed! I know I personally can't wait to dive into these particular episodes.


"Mugged"

This episode doesn't waste any time getting right to the lesson we should be learning, especially when traveling alone in the city: ALWAYS BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS.

What kind of lowlife scumbag attacks a little kid? Not that he would be any more in the right mugging an adult, but how much money could a nine-year-old possibly have on him? And just why would someone do that in the first place?! I just think he was waiting for the next person to walk by the alleyway, and Arnold happened to be that unlucky chum.

The mugger carries Arnold into an alleyway and freaking chucks him at a couple of trash cans like a bowling ball. He demands Arnold's money, but all Arnold has on him is spare change and a bus pass. See? What did I tell you? But that's not the point. The mugger lets Arnold off easy with a warning before throwing him into the trash again.

When Arnold gets home, he tells Grandpa and Mr. Hyunh about his encounter with the greasy punk thug, and Mr. Hyunh is particularly outraged, especially about how big he was compared to Arnold. "How big was this bunk? Big bunk?!" I know I shouldn't be laughing at his accent, mostly when he's angry, but it makes everything he says ten times funnier. So, Grandpa deduces that Arnold should start preparing for the next possible encounter by taking some self-defense courses.

"All the boy needs to do is take one of them self-defense classes. Learn himself some of that haiku." - Grandpa

Grandma comes in with some Tex-Mex steak or something for dinner, and quickly realizes the situation. She offers to make Arnold some green tea and put him to bed, but Arnold is too ashamed, so he makes himself some hot chocolate instead. Poor kid. Grandpa asks Grandma what they're going to do about Arnold, and Grandma starts stirring up an idea.

The next morning, Grandma nearly scares the shit out of Arnold jumping in front of him dressed in her karateji. I suppose that just saved his morning trip to the bathroom. All jokes aside, that probably wasn't the best introduction. I mean, the kid just got the wake-up call of his life last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's still jumpy.

Grandma takes Arnold into a gutted out apartment unit that has been turned into her own dojo. I'm just going to assume she's always had this room, because there is no way, even in the cartoon world, she would have kicked out the former tenants, gutted out the place, and put down the carpeting and (fake?) rocks all in one night... and still be this wide awake.

Grandma takes Arnold through some basic breathing and relaxation exercises to get him acquainted with what's coming next. Part of Arnold's training includes trying to snatch a housefly out of Grandma's hand, which Arnold barely even tries to do the first time. Grandma says that when he's able to snatch it with cat-like reflexes and some Harry Potter magic, his training will be complete.

So, for the next few hours, days, I can't tell, Arnold slowly learns the ways of the disciplined. Arnold even accidentally kicks Grandpa in his old balls when attempting to knock a can clear off his head. Ouch.

Eventually, Arnold gets the hang of it, and is able to snatch the fly right out of Grandma's hand. And he squishes it. Ew. Fly guts.

Now, Arnold is a black belt and is ready to show off his new skillz in front of his friends.

He successfully Hulk smashes a wooden board and a cinder block to bits, and even knocks a can clear off of Harold's head, flawlessly. I suppose it must have taken a while for Arnold to get his aim down before Grandma even allowed Arnold to try that again.

Some time later, Arnold and Gerald are taking a walk somewhere, and Arnold explains how Grandma turned him into a martial arts master. Apparently, all anyone needs to know to build confidence like that is to "be a frog in a pond," and that's it. Psssh. And years of training, but who has time for that in an 11-minute episode? Arnold admits that he likes his new, powerful self, and even moreso when he comes to the aid of Brainy and Eugene when they're being mugged by a trio of high school dropout losers. He practically snaps them in half like toothpicks. Well, he actually snaps their toothpicks in half like toothpicks. I don't know about you, but how is that supposed to be threatening? Whatever--the point is, Arnold is now the next Bruce Lee.

Arnold proclaims that he's going to find that bruiser and get his bus pass back if it's the last thing he does. Jeez, I wonder what Arnold would do if someone stole his pencil in class. Gerald chases after Arnold as he stomps down the street and is like, "Whoa, man, don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?" But Arnold ignores him..

Gerald becomes rightly concerned for Arnold's growing vigilante status. He watches Arnold reenact Robert De Niro's famous mirror scene from Taxi Driver in his transformation from wimpy, defenseless kid to bonafide badass with a chip on his shoulder. Lucky thing Arnold didn't have a gun on him at that moment. Now that I think about it, this episode basically is Taxi Driver for kids.

We realize Arnold has gone off the deep end when he goes to school and terrorizes everyone. Hell, even Helga can't believe what Arnold has done to himself.

Sometime later, Gerald straight up tells Arnold that he's changed, but Arnold just can't seem to understand. Typical, classic cliche. Of course, it's not until Arnold turns the corner and literally rips some guy's clothes to shreds that he realizes just how consumed with justice and rage he is.

"I was just trying to ask you where's the bus stop." - Guy

The entire town, in a dark, melodramatic twist, turns on Arnold, causing him to snap out of it and think "Oh, shit, what have I become?!"

Arnold runs down the street, which has turned black and white for dramatic effect. He sees, in all the city folk, his entire transformation flashing with either words of encouragement or words of concern from the people he cares about most. At the climax of this revelation, Arnold sees his shadow against a brick wall in an alley, and it grows and grows until it resembles the silhouette of the creep who took his bus pass and change at the beginning of the episode. And that's it--Arnold has become what he set out to destroy.

He gets on the bus (how, without a bus pass?) and takes a seat next to Grandma, who happens to be there in the back row. Arnold tells her all about his power trip and how he wants to give it all up and return to normal, and Grandma tells him that his training is complete. I thought it was complete when he snatched the fly out of her hand, but now I guess that was supposed to be a metaphor.

So, Arnold comes right out and says that the lesson is that he shouldn't go looking for trouble, he should let it come to him... and then he's free to do his karate chops.

Coincidentally, the thug hops on the bus with Arnold's bus pass. And that's when he recognizes him.

Born: Yes

The thug forces Grandma to hand over her purse, which she lets him have without lip. And then he recognizes Arnold (again) and teases him with his bus pass. He dangles it in front of him, not realizing that in that unspecified amount of time, Arnold has mastered all four elements: kicking cans, chopping blocks, striking threatening poses, and grabbing things.

Arnold remembers his training back to his first lesson--be the frog in the pond--let the fly come to him--and just like that, he snatches the bus pass right out of his hand. That's how you do it!

So, the punk punks out, gives back all the stuff he took, and literally runs off the bus crying. Just goes to show how weak people like him are. Strong in muscles, weak in defense.



"Roughin' It"

Ahh, what a wonderful day to go camping in the woods. Grandpa decides to take Gerald and Arnold along for some "real" camping experience.

If Grandpa wanted to get the real camping experience, they should have hiked all the way from the city.

Arnold and Gerald want to jump right into all the fun things about camping, but Grandpa tells them that they have to set up camp first. Okay, sure, no problem. Once they're done, they ask again, but Grandpa insists that it's more important for them to learn basic survival skills before they start having fun. See, this is why I would consider putting my future kids into scouting. I wouldn't know how to survive in the woods if my life depended on it.

Grandpa teaches the boys all they need to know to get around unpaved turf, like how to identify footprints, berries, and how to avoid stepping in animal poop. Yeah, they went there.

"See these bear tracks? Nine times out of ten, you can bet you'll close your eyes, spin around twice, and step right into fresh bear shit."

Grandpa also stresses the importance of remembering which berries are poisonous and which aren't. "Red and sweet are good to eat. But I swear by the sonnet, green'll make you vomit." Of course, Arnold mixes this up, and upchucks some bright green, half-digested berries.

I sincerely wonder if these tips Grandpa is giving are legitimate. I should ask my boyfriend--he was in Boy Scouts.

Oh, and Gerald gets sprayed by a skunk trying to figure out the way back to camp via a patch of tree moss. Hope Grandpa brought along a large bucket and several cans of tomato juice.

The only thing worse than getting sprayed with a quart of skunk stench, apparently, is sharing a tent with Grandpa. Snores and farts galore.

The next morning, as Grandpa is whipping up some delicious pancakes, Arnold and Gerald decide to call it quits. Already? I guess the first day didn't go so well, but they want to go home after one day? What happened to all the swimming and hiking they wanted to do? I don't know about Gerald, but this is so unlike Arnold to want to give up so easily. But the boys complain that they're cold and dirty and hungry. Grandpa tells the"No shit, that's the only way to camp". That is, until some fancy-shmancy RV rumbles up near them and takes down a pine tree like it just folded a piece of paper.

Out of the RV comes Helga, Phoebe, and Big Bob Pataki, Helga's blowhard, beeper extraordinaire father, also "camping."

Basically, Big Bob is only here to test out his new "camping" equipment, and also using it as a way to convince Miriam that he's spending quality time with Helga. Helga is unimpressed with the beauty the natural wilderness has to offer, and decides watching the Kardashians on their 80-inch flatscreen TV is more interesting than trees and dirt. Big Bob's like, "Whatever," and tells the girls to pull out the steaks from the freezer so they can have steak and eggs for breakfast. Why do I feel like Big Bob represents the average, conservative American? And if you're going to watch TV inside a big ole RV with all the bells and whistles, what is the point of going camping in the first place?

Phoebe mentions to Helga that Arnold and Gerald are in the next campsite, and Helga shits her pants. Here comes the soliloquy:

Helga, in an unfiltered state of euphoria and lust, decides she wants to reveal her love for Arnold in some secluded area off camp. Not that Helga would actually do this, otherwise she risks serious humiliation and possible trauma-induced depression, but her fake plan is saved by Big Bob calling the girls over for breakfast. For some reason, probably so she can play footsie with Arnold and pretend it's a skunk, she asks Big Bob to let the boys come eat with them. He shrugs approvingly, and Arnold and Gerald fly over there like the fucking roadrunner. Meep-meep!

So, Arnold and Gerald leave Grandpa sitting alone at the campfire burning pancakes while they practically shove steak and eggs through their faces, bypassing their throats, and directly into their stomachs.

Update: I just got back on my questions earlier. My boyfriend said that green berries are just under ripe, and color isn't indicative of them being poisonous. And moss cannot be used as a compass.

So, I guess Helga's plan to get Arnold all to herself isn't just one of her fantasies. She asks Big Bob if they could all go hiking, much to Big Bob and Phoebe's surprise, as Helga constantly mentioned how much she hated hiking on her way up to camp. Arnold reluctantly agrees to go, feeling bad that he would be leaving Grandpa to fend for himself in the woods. Oh, but Arnold has no problem abandoning pancakes for his bully's blowhard dad's meat.

Big Bob breaks out some more useless rich people contraptions to keep everyone "comfortable" for the hike, including a water-spraying headband for himself, a pre-Google Maps GPS tracker, and a gigantic refrigerator full of lunch that he's making Helga carry like a pack mule. Now that's just abuse. My brother and brother-in-law just helped bring my mom's new refrigerator upstairs into our apartment today, and seeing how they practically broke their backs lifting it all the way up the stairs, I can only feel pure sympathy for Helga.

Were trail mix and bottles of Poland Spring out of the question?

Honestly, I think Big Bob only likes these gadgets just to show them off. Because when everything starts breaking down, he chucks them over the edge of the cliff like the useless junk they are. Including the fancy backpack refrigerator. How the hell did it turn everyone's lunch into green, moldy sludge in just a couple of hours?

"Hoo-fah! Holy tolito, that's rank!" - Big Bob

They decide to go back to camp for more delicious porterhouse steaks, but they end up getting lost. Looks like Big Bob should have taken a camping trip with Grandpa so that he wouldn't have gotten four fourth graders lost in the woods all day.

Big Bob gets electrocuted by his water-spraying headband (ironic, I believe), and admits that he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Helga completely loses it, until Arnold announces that he and Gerald have bonafide master's degrees in wilderness survival thanks to Grandpa, and gets everyone back to camp in a jiffy.

Arnold spots Big Bob's RV in the distance, but isn't quick enough to warn Big Bob not to run through the bushes because it's poison ivy. Arnold goes up to Grandpa, who I hope wasn't sitting in front of that fire all day because that would just be sad, and tells him how they got themselves lost in the woods but found their way back thanks to his skills. And then he asks to stay one more night to camp out the right way--without all that high-tech junk.

So Grandpa and the kids have a wonderful rest of the night around the campfire...

...while Big Bob is left to heal his bruised ego. And take a deep bath in calamine lotion.

Lessons Learned From These Episodes: Only use self-defense when you are in personal danger; don't be a vigilante--that's Batman's job; learn survival skills when you go camping; don't bring Big Bob Pataki hiking with you