S1, E10: "Door #16" / "Arnold as Cupid"

"Door #16"

The alternate title for this episode should be "The Origin of Slenderman." 

Smooth, noir-style jazz plays as someone drops off a dry-cleaned trench coat and bowler hat at the Sunset Arms.

Do these people not realize this is like a laboratory-grade magnet for thieves? 

Arnold steps out onto the stoop to get the newspaper and milk that was delivered to the front door, and also grabs the trench coat, too. Honestly, this show really should have just been set in 1940s Brooklyn. While I know newspapers are still delivered, no one drops off milk to your front door every morning anymore. At least, not unless you're old and/or crippled. There are too many grocery stores and cars  in Brooklyn now, if that's the reason. And passerbys might steal them. Heck, there's a (small) supermarket literally right around the corner from my parents' apartment. We'd probably look lazy if we asked them to deliver groceries to our front door.

Arnold takes the stuff inside, and hangs the coat and hat on this weird mechanical rack that comes out of the wall in room #16. I swear, it reminds me of that opening scene from that Ed, Edd n Eddy episode where Double D (Edd) is practicing his first day of school routine.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is taking his sweet-ass time in the shower, causing a line to form outside of the main bathroom. Why the hell is there only one bathroom in the entire boarding house? I know that's probably standard, but it's horribly impractical if you ask me. 

Oskar Kokoshka, my all-time favorite boarder in the Sunset Arms (and most likely inspired by the Austrian poet, artist, and playwright), complains that Mr. Smith, who lives in the mysterious room, has his own private shower and suite. Well, now. Unless he installed it himself with his own money, that's not very fair. 

Hell, Mr. Smith even gets breakfast delivered to him via an anti-gravity vacuum tube of some sort.

I want to know more about this mysterious Mr. Smith. Maybe that's not even his real name. Maybe he's part of some witness protection program, or works in Area 51. Maybe he's an alien. We will never know.

Arnold keeps insisting that Mr. Smith is simply a private man, and that there's nothing wrong with him. And then this scene happens:

I have many questions.

Three things I noticed about this scene:

1) That is Slenderman. I don't care what you say. I'm going to refer to Mr. Smith as Slenderman from now on. 

2) What the hell are the animals doing?

3) The left side of Slendy's suitcase is in front of the kitchen door frame. Animation error!

The second Slenderman walks out the door to do things, some man with the face of a ventriloquist dummy--you know, the deep lines down the sides of their mouths--comes to the door with a package for him. The hell? Did he not just see Slenderman walking out the door? Anyway, the man tells Arnold to give the package directly to Slendy, and no one else, and for some reason trusts this 9-year-old kid with some military-level security. Oh, we know we can trust Arnold, but does this guy know? That kind of shit would get you fired in real life.

All the boarders get real curious about the package that Arnold was specifically assigned to guard with his life, and so he makes a run for it up to his room before the boarders rip open that box to shreds. Watch it just be a piece of string inside that box. Or an embarrassing snapshot of the boarders at last year's Christmas party.

Gerald comes over and learns about the box, and he tries to get Arnold to open it, too. Arnold explains why he can't, meanwhile Ernie is up on Arnold's sky window trying to unscrew the hinges to swipe the box.

Of course, he cartoonishly falls over in failure. 

Arnold decides that he must go out and deliver the package to Slenderman personally. So, the boys pool together what they know about Slenderman already to figure out where he could be. Arnold says that he always wears a fancy bowler hat, so Gerald thinks Slendy must frequent the town bowler hat shop, and he knows exactly where it's located because some other mystery character, "Fuzzy Slippers," gets his bowler hats there, too. Well ain't that convenient!

Arnold and Gerald do the ole "kid stands on another kid's shoulders to make himself look like a man" routine, and trick the hat clerk to fetch a fancy Renaissance hat at the top shelf so that Gerald can search through the clerk's client files for Slenderman's information. Considering there are probably hundreds of people in the city with the last name "Smith," how would Gerald know if he has the right man? Well, the clerk does mumble to himself about how he doesn't have many customers, so a smaller client list might mean fewer instances of someone bearing that name showing up. Why would a hat shop need a client list, though? And why is the clerk so dumb to not realize that Arnold is clearly a child?

You can hear the clerk mumbling about how he hates his job while he's up on the ladder, and then falls into a pile of hats. giving Arnold and Gerald an opportunity to make a run for it before the clerk starts asking more questions.

So, Gerald finds out from that file that Slendy works at or frequently goes to a place called Satellite Industries on 234 Smith Avenue. Sounds like a NASA branch or television company to me. The boys go up to the secretary and say they have a package for Slenderman, but since they don't know his first name, if he even has one, the secretary kicks them out. Or maybe she does because Gerald was trying to hit on her. He should have taken some hints from that Cool Moves for Happening Dudes book from "6th Grade Girls."

The boys spot Slenderman getting into a taxi, so they grab a bus and tell the driver to follow it. Um, that is not how buses work, boys. They manage to keep up with him somewhat, chasing him through the city and calling out his name from across the street, but to no avail. And then Slenderman freaking teleports to a rooftop and into a helicopter labeled "16." Damn, what's with this guy?! He's got to be an alien--there's no way some sane individual is that fast.

Arnold realizes he's been defeated, so he then looks at the box and goes "Fuck it, let's open it." But two nuns passing by brings him back to his conscience, and he decides not to open it. He then goes back home with Gerald, figuring the boarders have forgotten all about the package by now.

Arnold comes home to find Grandpa and Grandma engaged in some light BDSM roleplay. Nice to see their marriage is still going strong:

Once Arnold unties the bandanna around Grandpa's mouth, Grandpa starts cursing out Ernie for tying them up. Why he did that, I don't know, but judging by the fact that the boarders clearly haven't forgotten about the package, I'm going to assume they did this so that Grandpa and Grandma wouldn't try to protect Arnold from being jumped by a bunch of jealous, curious 40-year-old boarders.

The boarders chase Arnold and Gerald around the boarding house like wild animals, desperately trying to grab the package. And it just so happens they do. They tear it to shreds, and then stop immediately once they realize what was inside:

Okay, so it wasn't an embarrassing snapshot of the boarders at a Christmas party. It was a normal snapshot of them during Thanksgiving.

It's clear that SpongeBob SquarePants ripped off this plot. Or maybe it's a trope--I don't particularly know of a trope where a mysterious box everyone is trying to open actually contains a heartwarming piece of memorabilia inside. And jeez, did Slenderman order that from Amazon? Why would a package that big be needed for just one tiny photo? Not only that, but what is so mysterious about a photo? I get that it's supposed to be absurd, but it's still kind of ridiculous

And now, everyone feels like shit. Slenderman just loves his boarder family. And then, there's another knock at the door. It's the puppet man again, with a similar package, asking Arnold to give it to Slendy. Here we go again.

"Arnold as Cupid"

Oh boy, an Oskar episode! 

Arnold can't do his astronomy project because the voices of marital breakdown from the Kokoshkas are too distracting. Suzie, Oskar's wife, is yelling at him for shitting away all his money again and putting Suzie's happiness on the backburner, so Suzie has kicked him out, declaring herself a strong, independent woman.

So, Oskar goes to all the boarders asking to stay for the night, but everyone hates the air he breathes, and have no problem telling him to fuck off. Does that sound a bit harsh? To a normal person, yes, but this is Oskar Kokoshka we're talking about.

Oskar is easily one of the best characters on the show. An immigrant from former Czechoslovakia (it's been confirmed by Craig Bartlett), he's lazy, a moocher, and a serious gambler. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. And yet, he's so damn entertaining to watch. I'm sure we've all encountered an Oskar in our lives at one point or another.

Anyway, Oskar decides to take refuge in Arnold's room since he knows Arnold won't say no. Smart. He straight up climbs into Arnold's bed while Arnold stands by the door looking confused and anxious. Hey, if some strange man knocked on my door and took my bed for the night, I'd be upset about it, too.

Being the saint Arnold is, he shrugs and says, "At least it'll only be for a few nights," and sleeps on his pull-out couch. You know, sometimes Arnold is too nice. But as annoying and crooked as Oskar is, it would have been rather cruel to let Oskar just sleep out in the hallway or something.

The next morning, to thank Arnold for his hospitality, Oskar cooks and serves Arnold some delicious French toast and orange juice. Actually, he swiped it from Ernie when he wasn't looking, but that's not the point. He's trying to get on Arnold's good side so Arnold will let him stay in his room longer. Arnold asks what time it is, to which Oskar says 10:30. And then Arnold's like "WTF?! I gotta get to school!" Oskar had turned off Arnold's alarm clock so it wouldn't wake him up. Not Arnold, but himself. Dick.

Later that night, Oskar plays his signature saxophone riff--very off-key and loudly, I might add, while Arnold is trying to study for a test. Arnold asks him to play some other time, but Oskar tells him to study tomorrow. Again, what a dick.

"But Mr. Kokoshka, my test is tomorrow!" - Arnold

Why can't Oskar just play up on the roof if he has to practice so badly? Arnold has every right to stay in his room, so he shouldn't have to go to another room to study.Though if it's really that important, he should have just went downstairs. I really want to know how Suzie managed to stay married to Oskar for this long--I really want to know why Suzie married him in the first place. 

The next day, Arnold failed his test, and he walks in on Oskar making orange smoothies at his desk. And then Oskar's shady-looking friends show up to play cards, and Oskar bets Arnold's CD player for collateral--I don't think that's the right word, but whatever.

So, Arnold's like "You can't bet my stuff away, you freeloader." But Oskar is so sure that he can't lose. Too bad he did. I can't believe these people actually took his CD player! That's straight-up theft. But I kind of fault Arnold for not trying to get that thing back. Losing or not, there was no reason for them to take a kid's CD player even after Arnold specifically said it was his.

That night, right as they're going to sleep, Arnold tells Oskar that things aren't working out, and that it would be best if he hauled ass out of his room, but Oskar "falls asleep" and therefore didn't hear that. I so believe Oskar did that on purpose; he knows Arnold doesn't want him living in his room. Why doesn't Grandpa kick him out of Arnold's room? He's the landlord. This episode doesn't make much sense.

Gerald inspires an idea for Arnold to get Oskar and Suzie back together so Arnold can have his room back. He goes to Suzie and tells her that Oskar "misses her" like crazy and wants to have dinner on the roof. I'm not married to Oskar and even I can tell that's not like him at all to be that romantic. I wonder what their sex life is like. Oscar probably makes Suzie be on top the whole time. You know what? I don't think I should think about that. And then Arnold convinces Oskar to meet Suzie at the top of the roof for dinner since she "really misses him." Naturally, Oskar thinks "Of course she would. I'm hot shit."

That's a big ass toe. 

So, now comes the dinner, and it's a disaster already. Oskar has no idea how to be a decent human being, so he asks Arnold for help. Arnold tells him to say something nice to her, so Oskar comments on how the stain on Suzie's dress is hardly visible. Oh, how charming. I sincerely want to know how Oskar managed to get Suzie to spread her legs for him, let alone get her to talk to him. He obviously must have done something right in the past to win her over. So why all of a sudden does he not know what he's doing? Is he afraid that everything he does will just make things worse? Maybe, but that still doesn't explain why a nine-year-old kid must resort to giving advice to a 30-something-year-old man on how to seduce his own wife. 

Then Arnold suggests that they dance together. Suzie's like "Dance? With this clumsy fuck?" And then Oskar's like "I'll show you who's a fuck!" Excuse me for getting carried away with these paraphrased quotes; I'm just trying to figure out how this episode would play out if it was real life. And so, everyone starts the music. 

I had no idea all the boarders were part-time musicians.

The dancing goes about as well as you'd think. It's amazing that Oskar managed not to accidentally spin Suzie off the edge of the roof.

As Suzie is soaking her feet in ice water, Arnold brings out dessert--two cherry tarts for ants. Seriously, look at those things; they're tiny. They're like those 100-calorie diet cakes that are advertised as "healthier" than regular cakes. Arnold trips over Suzie's shoes and drops her tart into the bucket.

So now the dilemma is what to do with the lone tart. Oskar could split his between him and Suzie, but it's tiny enough already. What does Oskar do? He actually does something sweet and gives it to his wif--no, I'm just kidding. He freaking noshes that thing down right in front of her like he did nothing wrong.

Suzie stands up, tells Oskar he will never change, and leaves. Oskar looks over at Arnold with bewilderment, because he is an insensitive prick with no brains, and Arnold tells Oskar off, too. 

You know, it's obvious that Suzie and Oskar have been having issues for a while now. I don't know why they don't just divorce. Now, don't get the idea that I'm all rah-rah for divorcing your spouse when issues arise, but to me, it seems like there never really was a romance between them in the first place. Suzie never reminisces about happier times with Oskar or wishes he was his "old" self or anything, so what gives? Was this an arranged marriage? Or maybe Suzie hated her life prior to meeting Oskar that she thought marrying him would give her a better life. Whatever the reason, they don't seem like they should be married to each other in the first place.

Later that night, Arnold finds Oskar packing his suitcase. He's going to leave the godforsaken boarding house and go off on his own. Suzie catches him right as he's going down the stairs, and looks concerned for him. Oskar is certain that he's doing the right thing by leaving, seeing as he's a burden on everyone in the boarding house, so Suzie reaches into her pocket and gives him some money for a cheap motel room or something. Oskar is about to take the money as he always does, but then stops himself.

The aorta in his heart suddenly kicks in, and it begins to warm. Oskar begins to realize that he can't keep taking money from people anymore, especially Suzie, and actually tells her to keep the money. Suzie's like "Say what?!" And Oskar repeats himself. Suzie freaking tosses the money behind her dramatically and practically starts humping him, as it's the first time he's ever thought about anyone but himself. Methinks Suzie is just looking for ways to make Oskar seem like a decent person so she won't have to go through all the hassle of divorcing him.

Suzie coos every time Oskar yelps out "You keep the money!" which now makes me think Oskar is going to use that every time he and Suzie get into a fight in the future. Oskar continues to shout "You keep the money," while Suzie orgasms right then and there in the hallway. And then they go back into their room to fuck, since they're practically halfway there. Is she going to pick up those fifties, though?

You know, it's actually quite sad that Suzie creams her panties over Oskar telling her to keep her money, as if it's the best thing Oskar can say to her. It makes me wonder if Suzie has lived in poverty her whole life or something. What a fucked up marriage.

Lessons Learned From These Episodes: be respectful of others' privacy; think of others instead of yourself all the time; next time you get into a fight with your spouse over money, fix it by saying "You keep the money."