S1, E3: "Arnold's Hat" / "Stoop Kid"

Greetings! Let's start this week's review.


"Arnold's Hat"

The episode opens with Arnold, high as a kite. And no, I don't mean that as a euphemism for being under the influence of marijuana. Arnold is literally on the back of a kite flying high in the air. Oh, wait, it's just a dream.

Arnold is woken by his totally radical (or ghetto--depending on how you want to look at it) alarm clock. It's a little figurine of him on top of a standard analog clock powered by a (hopefully fake) potato and two giant batteries, and it calls out "Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold!" until Arnold pulls a wire out of the potato. I must say, I never really took the time to really look at Arnold's alarm clock before, but now that I have, I am totally blown away by its eccentricity. Honestly, no other human being has an alarm clock remotely close to this one. Anyway, time to start the day.

So, we watch as Arnold goes through his daily routine, including a literal three-second shower, followed by taking a hair dryer to his famous tiny blue hat. Why didn't he just take the hat off before he jumped in the shower?

Arnold then goes down for breakfast--a wild west stack of flapjacks, hosted by Pookie the Roundup Lass. She wants him to go along with her theme of the day by telling him to take off his hat while at the table, to which Arnold replies that he never takes off his hat. Thus fueling the plot of this episode with that emphasizing line.

Later, Arnold is in the park with Gerald trying to fly a box kite (kind of like Arnold's dream--I wonder if that's where he got the idea from). As Arnold gets up to test it, he spits out his gum and sticks it under the park bench, which is totally disgusting. And then when he's far enough away, Helga (yes, Helga) sneaks over and plucks Arnold's ABC gum off the bench and drops it into a baggie. Oh, dear, I know where this is going.

I'm actually surprised Helga is using tweezers instead of her fingers. 

Helga then high-tails it back home, opens her closet, pushes aside her clothes, and--goddammit, why did I have to be right?!

She has an actual Arnold shrine. That's right--one made out of his used grape-flavored gum, decorated with fruit, Christmas lights, and fake candles. You know, the Egyptians would do something similar with cats in ancient times. They worshiped them, believing they were descendants of God. Though I highly doubt they built cat shrines out of used gum. So, basically, Helga sees Arnold as a descendant of God. A demigod, perhaps. Well then. That's totally not the sickest thing I've ever seen.

Helga places Arnold's ABC gum at the front of the shrine's face to represent his nose, but alas, the shrine is still not complete. I believe Arnold's actual blood is missing. No, really, it would definitely make it more complete. Helga figures out she needs a hat to top (ha!) off her shrine, and attempts to grab it off his head. She fails, naturally. Helga even tries to grab it using a fishing pole, but she misses, latching onto the bumper of a van instead, and she is cartoonishly dragged along the roof of a building as the van drives away, and smacks right into a pigeon house, where an apathetic pigeon takes a shit right on her face.

But in order for the plot to move forward, Arnold must lose his hat, so it flies off in the wind as he and Gerald finally get their kite to fly. And, wouldn't you know? It lands just feet away from Helga. So, she grabs it and dashes back to her house to finish her shrine. The cherry on top of a psychotic stalker cake. Made out of gum.

And so, what does every obsessive stalker do next? She slaps in a cassette full of porn music, pops the head off her shrine, and dances around her bedroom with it. I want to be so horrified with this, but it's just too damn funny when Helga does it.

Oh, and then she starts making out with it:

I wonder what second base would look like in this case.

For a moment, I thought this was going to be the beginning to an illegal porn clip, until Miriam, Helga's alcoholic mother, knocks on her door and starts asking Helga what she's doing in there with the door locked. Oh-ho-ho, you really don't want to know, lady. Meanwhile, Helga's lips are firmly attached to her Arnold shrine, but manages to get an answer out that fools Miriam.

Arnold then becomes depressed over the disappearance of his hat, and as he walks back home with Gerald, and all the adults act like real dicks upon noticing something "different" about Arnold. Seriously, who asks a nine-year-old kid if they lost a fight with a lawnmower? That's just mean.

So, Arnold goes up to his room to watch TV in order to get his mind off his missing hat. But, of course, it just so happens to be Hat Day at the baseball stadium, so everyone and their mother is sporting a bright blue hat to unintentionally spite Arnold and his bald spot. Hats, hats, hats, hats, hats, hats, hats!

So then, we get a flashback of a tiny tot Arnold being given his hat by his parents, whose faces are unseen, something cartoons do a lot of in order to save money on animation or something. So, Arnold's hat is apparently so special to him because it was a gift from his missing parents. But why that hat? Certainly, Arnold's parents got him everything else as a baby like toys, clothes, his crib; so why aren't those things as sentimental as the hat?

Gerald wakes Arnold up out of his daydream to tell him that the Jolly Olly man, the local insane ice cream man, has gone off his meds and is giving away free ice cream in front of the boarding house. Arnold throws a hissy fit and says he's never going to see the light of day ever again without covering his bald spot (AKA finding his hat). Then he shuts his window and isn't heard from for the rest of his life. Gerald shrugs and is like, "Whatever." Meanwhile, Helga has overheard everything, so she runs behind the truck to a quiet spot and pulls out her locket to confess her involvement in the disappearance of his hat.

So, she runs back home to retrieve his hat, only to find that her entire shrine is gone. Kaput. Zilch. Vanished. Cue the girlish screams of panic. Helga then runs downstairs, where Miriam is making a "smoothie" with Tabasco sauce (?!), and inquires about the pile of "junk" missing from the back of her closet. Miriam casually replies that she threw it all out, and provides no other explanation or questions. Cue the girlish screams of panic, again.

Put a lid on that blender, unless you want your kitchen to look like a murder scene.

Grandpa comes up to Arnold's room to talk about his missing hat, and says he felt the same way when he started experiencing male pattern baldness, and tried everything possible to make people think he still had hair.

And then Grandpa tells Arnold that he should just embrace his new hat-less self because he's still Arnold, and nothing can change that. After Grandpa leaves to watch reruns of Matlock, Arnold repeats what Grandpa told him in his head over and over, and then goes, "Fuck this, I'm going out without my hat."

Meanwhile, Helga has been digging through garbage at the dump for three hours looking for Arnold's hat, and then, after getting struck in the eye with more pigeon shit, Helga ironically finds it on top of a pigeon. She hugs the hat and then gets out of the dump to return the hat to Arnold.

But how do we know for sure that's Arnold's blue hat?

Arnold and Gerald walk down the street, this time more confidently, and then all the adults that insulted him before suddenly start complimenting him, and it really is bizarre. What, did Gerald pay them to lay low on the roasting? Why else would he give them thumbs-ups after they compliment Arnold on his "new" look? And then Helga bumps into him, hat in hand, and Arnold hugs her in response for finding it.

Before Arnold realizes Helga spent three hours digging through garbage for his hat, Helga literally slaps herself out of her daze and snubs Arnold and his hat. She tells him to make like a tree and get out of here, and Arnold thanks her kindly and leaves. Because he is a good kid. And then a pigeon shits on Helga's head. Again. Is Helga a statue to these birds? What the heck?



"Stoop Kid"

The kids are out on the street playing football (a common pastime of the pre-Information Age was for kids to actually play outside, unsupervised). Arnold goes up to kick the ball, and Harold starts taunting him because he is an ass. Arnold gets kind of pissed, and kicks the ball as hard as he can to show Harold that he's a natural Tim Tebow.

The ball goes flying--absolutely far, farther than anyone had ever fathomed a ball could fly, and lands directly on the stoop of the city wallflower--Stoop Kid.

The kids discover their football on Stoop Kid's stoop, and get all pissed off at Arnold. Because of the legend they heard about Stoop Kid, the kids are scared shitless to grab the ball and run, seeing as they've heard of Stoop Kid pounding people back into the Stone Age just for stepping within visible range of his precious stoop. Holy balls, this kid's got issues!

Let me tell you about this Stoop Kid, er, kid. Stoop Kid is a hermit--even moreso than those stereotypical Tumblrinas who bitch and moan about feminism and made-up genders, and gorging on junk food with their myriad cats as their only company. Sure, Stoop Kid is always outside at least, but to him, outside is inside, because he never steps off that damn stoop. He doesn't live in the building behind him, because he is homeless. And also an orphan. He was abandoned there as a baby, and raised himself on the stoop. See that red hammock to his right? That's his bedroom. See that TV there? That's his living room.

Now, this raises a lot of questions. Like, why hasn't anyone ever taken him to an orphanage or foster care? Certainly someone has been raising him somewhat, considering he has clothes and his few possessions. They didn't just magically appear out of nowhere. Perhaps Stoop Kid had rifled through the garbage of the people who lived in the building behind him, but there's no backstory to this so it's not worth talking about, at least not in this review.

Anyway, Gerald warns Arnold not to go near the stoop, or else he will face Stoop Kid's wrath, but Arnold does it anyway, even trying to make nice with Stoop Kid, who practically dares him to pick up his football. Remembering the tale, Arnold chickens out, and runs away.

So then, he hides out in a garbage can across the street with a pair of binoculars to wait for the perfect time when Stoop Kid leaves his stoop to get his ball back.

Apparently, Stoop Kid thinks "The Little Engine That Could" is the most rad book ever, as Arnold watches him read it aloud to himself. Arnold eventually falls asleep, dreaming about finally retrieving his ball, but then Gerald wakes him up, and Arnold is frustrated that Stoop Kid is still there. So then Arnold gets the idea to sneak up when Stoop Kid isn't looking, grab the football, and run away. Considering Stoop Kid "never" leaves his stoop. Arnold should get away with not being pummeled into applesauce.

And what do you know? It works! Stoop Kid catches him coming near his stoop, but merely yells for Arnold to come back to be pounded once he runs off.

Theory: Stoop Kid is Helga's abandoned brother.

Arnold and Gerald have a big laugh at Stoop Kid's threats, and then Arnold speculates that since Stoop Kid didn't chase after him and pound him for "touching" his stoop, Stoop Kid is afraid to leave his stoop. This spreads around the neighborhood like wildfire, and soon every kid is chanting "Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop!"

That night, Stoop Kid is crying about being teased all afternoon (and he's loud--so loud, he could be heard miles away). He catches Arnold's attention, and Arnold slowly gets Stoop Kid to accept his help in getting over his fear of leaving his stoop.

You know, it makes me wonder why Stoop Kid's fear of leaving his stoop never crossed these kids' minds. It's the same concept as a person with agoraphobia being afraid to leave their house. Clearly, Stoop Kid is agoraphobic, but for no one to even consider this before Arnold said anything is mind-boggling.

Anyway, Arnold has done all he could in trying to get Stoop Kid over his fear, but to no avail.

The next day, Arnold checks some books out of the library about famous stoops all around the world, and shows them to Stoop Kid. Stoop Kid is absolutely amazed by these stoops, especially the ancient Aztec ruins, to which Stoop Kid deems "the greatest stoop [he has] ever seen." Arnold says he could see all the great stoops out there, so long as he takes his first steps off his own. This sparks a flood of motivation within Stoop Kid, so he announces that he is going to do it--he's going to leave his stoop.

Word gets out like wildfire once again (this must be an incredibly boring city if people are amazed that Stoop Kid is finally going to leave his stoop). Practically the entire city shows up to witness this historic event, and it's now that I realize that this is the most unrealistic city ever. Look at how many white people are there. If Hillwood is supposed to be based off of parts of Brooklyn and Seattle (it's a fact, look it up!), there ought to be many more Asians, Hispanics, and blacks there.

Stoop Kid is nervous about leaving his stoop, now more than ever with the entire city watching him. As he takes his first steps down, Arnold holds up a poster of the Little Engine from "The Little Engine That Could" with the words "I Think I Can" in a bubble. And so, Stoop Kid gains enough confidence to take those steps down and off his stoop.

And everyone cheers. Yaaaay!

Stoop Kid profusely thanks Arnold for all his help, and even though he still doesn't want to leave his stoop, he can now harass people from and off his stoop. Cue Harold, who went away for the past two days and decides to taunt Stoop Kid, not realizing that Stoop Kid no longer is afraid of leaving the stoop. Harold throws his popsicle stick on his stoop, because he is a disgusting pig, and then Stoop Kid decides to teach him a lesson. He leaps off his stoop, and chases Harold down.

"Come here, fat boy!...I'm gonna roll you downtown!" - Stoop Kid

And then Arnold casually walks away. Because even he knows Harold deserves to get his ass beat.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: Give back possessions that belong to others, because they are not for your shrine; believe in yourself, and you too can get over your fears; don't be a dick to anyone or they might pound you