S1, E2: "The Little Pink Book" / "Field Trip"

Welcome back, everybody! These last two weeks were kind of a rough time (for my laptop, Blogger, and me), so I understand if you're upset with me at the moment. But know that I'm still here and that this blog will continue.

So, tonight, we have our first official Helga episode. Trivia: Did you know Craig Bartlett's wife was the one who came up with the idea to have Helga be secretly in love with Arnold? Great move on her part, because Hey Arnold! most certainly wouldn't be the same without Helga's infatuation. And then we wouldn't have episodes like, "The Little Pink Book."



"The Little Pink Book"

In the middle of class, Helga throws spitballs at Arnold because she has nothing better to do than piss him off. After two spitballs, she gets bored, and decides to open her little pink book and craft a new poem. She had actually hid it inside a cut-out portion of her math book, and will definitely get into a lot of trouble at the end of the year for doing that. Textbooks are expensive, man. Helga's lucky she's only in elementary school where textbooks are free. (Hint for college students: rent them out on reserve in your library! Save a bundle of $$$!)

She writes a new, purple poem about Arnold. As she's narrating the poem in her head, the scenes follow along. Though I must say, this is pretty decent writing for a fourth grader:

"Your eyes, like two green jellybeans
Are pools I want to bathe in.
In the classroom, my heart doth swoon
And yet, I want to beat your face in."

The bell rings, signaling the end of school. The kids all rush onto the bus, but Helga knocks them aside because she is a little bitch, and takes out some big ass scissors and just casually snips a piece of Arnold's hair and walks to the back. Damn, why would she just have a pair of scissors that large in her bag anyway?

After Helga takes a big whiff of his lock of hair, she places it in her pink book and holds it in with a band-aid that was covering a big, nasty scab or something on her arm. That is honestly disgusting. Yet why do I find myself laughing at this?

She begins a new poem, an acrostic poem spelling out the letters of her name and with things about Arnold for each letter:

H is for the head I'd like to punt
E is for every time I see the little runt
L is longing for our firstest kiss
G is for how good that longing is
A is for Arnold, of course... duh!

The bus stops in front of Helga's house, and she gets up to leave. While pushing Arnold aside and shoving her book into her bag, she doesn't realize that her little pink book slips out of her hand, misses the bag, and lands right on top of Gerald's stack of books. How she didn't see or feel that happening, I'll never know, but this is the inciting incident that kicks off the episode--Helga's darkest secrets, wet dreams, and erotic poems are now in the worst-possible hands.

Of course, neither Arnold nor Gerald sees the book falling, they don't realize it's Helga's. And when they get off the bus, Gerald starts reading it, and laughs at one particular goopy poem Helga has written about Arnold. It's apparently so humiliating and silly that the entire neighborhood is laughing along with Gerald as he reads it. Jeez, do these people have nothing better to do than laugh at a poor nine-year-old kid who barely even knows what a girl is yet?

Even Arnold's Grandpa Phil joins in the revelries, to which Arnold grabs the book and heads back to the boarding house in a flustered huff.

And then we cut to Helga, who just now finds out that she practically dropped the book in Arnold's hands:

Arnold and Gerald try to figure out who is responsible for writing all those poems, so they decide to do some investigation. First, they list off the names of some of the girls at the bus stop, including Arnold's 6th grade crush, Ruth MacDougal. And when that gets them nowhere, they enlist Abner to sniff out the DNA on the book for them. Abner must have smelled something really dank, because he makes a sickened face and takes off running down the street. As Arnold and Gerald chase him, Helga is seen climbing Arnold's fire escape in an attempt to retrieve her book back.

Helga falls, quite literally, into Arnold's room through his sky window. Realizing she's in her love's sleeping chamber, she absorbs every bit of Arnold she can, including sniffing his pillow. Ick. So, she spots her book on the top of his bookcase (why Arnold put it there, I really don't know). But then Arnold and Gerald come back so she has to hide in the closet.

And then, Arnold and Gerald get down to investigating by comparing fingerprints and stuff from the girls at the bus stop (they had gathered their used items somehow) and start comparing them to evidence from the book.

So, after all that "investigating," they conclude that the owner of the book is a female who lives in the city and is of almost any age. Wow, I'm sure the producers of NCIS would be banging on their doors begging for their skills.

So, the next thing the boys do is try to compare the handwriting to those of the girls in the yearbook. This takes all afternoon, by the way, and once they reach Helga's name, they laugh their asses off.

Helga overhears them laughing, and grunts in defense. "How DARE they laugh at the possibility of me loving Arnold?" To be fair, Helga does everything in her power to make it known that she's totally "not" in love with Arnold, so I totally understand why Arnold and Gerald would piss their pants laughing. They keep hearing Helga making noises in the closet, but are totally clueless and decide it must be coyotes or elephants or other animals you'd casually find in any city.

Arnold and Gerald decide to take a break, but then decide it's too late for them to be walking around the city alone at night so they decide to call it quits for the night. Gerald leaves, and Helga makes a call to her best friend, Phoebe, to ask to call Helga's parents to say she's sleeping over at Phoebe's for the night (as there's no way for Helga to sneak out now.) What I don't understand is how Arnold doesn't hear Helga talking, yet he can hear all her groans and grunts. Even though Helga is whispering to Phoebe in a quiet room, Arnold must be as deaf as Helen Keller not to hear that.

The next morning, Arnold flies out of bed, gets dressed, and shoves the pink book in his pocket before Helga even has a moment to remember where she is. And then when Arnold leaves, Helga falls out of the closet looking like she didn't get any sleep.

I can guarantee you she was watching him sleep.

Grandpa asks Arnold if he ever find out who wrote all those mushy poems, and Arnold replies no, and that he wishes whoever did should go "jump up a rope." The hell? Is Arnold alluding that the girl who wrote those poems should hang herself? You know, jump up a rope, noose, jumping off the chair...? That's pretty dark just because Arnold is having a hell of a time figuring out the mystery girl.

And then Grandpa tells Arnold that it's pretty rad that someone obsesses over him so much. If only they knew the half of it. Perhaps this is why people say "ignorance is bliss."

Before school begins, Arnold sits outside reading Helga's nastiest poems to the kids, and they're laughing up a storm. Helga drags behind, knocking Stinky into a garbage can after ironically asking if she slept in a closet since she looks like shit.

It turns out, Helga got there right at the last possible second, because Arnold was just about to read the last page of the book. The one with Helga's name signed at the end. In a desperate attempt to save her bitch reputation, Helga rips the page right out of the book, shoves it in her mouth, and spits it out into a giant spitball to throw at Arnold.

And that's the end of that. Why Arnold didn't question if Helga was the owner of the book at this point I'll never know. But hey, ignorance is bliss! At least she got to keep the lock of Arnold's hair attached to her blood-stained bandage. Yuck.

Meanwhile, Stinky is still stuck in the trash can, and rolls away as the screen fades to black.



"Field Trip"

Today, the class is going on a field trip to the aquarium. Fun! I love the aquarium. So many neat fish, animals, and adorable plushies in the gift shop.

And then Harold impersonates a whale by gargling some milk and squirting it out his nose onto Arnold and Gerald.

We learn that Arnold had the chicken pox last time his class went to the aquarium, so he's never actually been there before. All the kids then talk about all the awesome known animals that are there, including Lockjaw.

We're spared the details for a moment as the curiosity builds. The kids make it to the aquarium, and by golly, if that's not the coolest-looking aquarium I've ever seen, then I'm sorely missing out. I've only been to the New York Aquarium in Coney Island and the Vancouver Aquarium, and neither have a dome with fish and aquatic beauties hovering over guests in an captivating, ocean blue dome.

The security guard gathers the kids around to explain the rules of the aquarium. They're pretty standard stuff--no feeding the fish, no tapping on the glass... except no sushi chefs are allowed either, and then the camera pans over to a very disappointed Japanese sushi chef. Why was he even allowed in there, then?

"Aww, how else am I going to get ingredients for my homemade hoshomaki?"

The security guard also tells the kids no skateboards are allowed, so he takes one kid's and throws it into the office with all the other skateboards. Hey, that's straight-up theft.

Arnold inquires about Lockjaw, and instead of getting an answer to what he actually is, the kids rave about him and his greatness the way Internet dweebs praise Chuck Norris. This is a common trope where someone praises someone or something so intensely that when we, the viewers, actually get to see the all-holy thing, we're solely disappointed. Which brings me to the next scene:

The kids finally decide to go see Lockjaw, and as they crowd around his tank, we realize he's a giant tortoise. He climbs out of the dirty water, looking old and miserable, and his shell is covered in graffiti. The hell?

What kind of abusive, neglectful aquarium is this? It makes SeaWorld look good. Where are the people who are supposed to be taking care of this poor creature? Let me clue you in on something: if a zoo or aquarium is abusive or neglectful towards its animals, they make sure not to let it show in front of the paying guests. They do that shit in private. Because guests will be upset and guests will report the aquarium to the proper authorities. Now I'm curious about that sushi chef--perhaps the fish would be better off eaten than swimming through the sludge of this horrible aquarium.

The kids all complain about how Lockjaw isn't cool anymore, so they yell at him and throw things at him. Fucking Harold throws his smoothie at Lockjaw, who realizes he's not wanted, and crawls back into the water. Poor baby. Arnold is about to burst into tears from this bullshit.

He walks away from his shitty classmates and heads down to the viewing area at the bottom of Lockjaw's tank. There's a bunch of garbage littering the floor of the tank and the water is all murky, so it's a lot worse than Arnold initially thought. Lockjaw swims to the bottom, and he and Arnold have a little bonding moment that just tugs on my heartstrings like a harp.

What an awesome tortoise.

As Arnold gets back home to the boarding house, everything around him reminds him of Lockjaw, like the Campfire Lass (obvious Girl Scout parody) selling chocolate turtles and Grandpa showing off his turtle green turtleneck. Heck, even the pattern in his carpet reminds him of Lockjaw.

Grandma Gertie (or Pookie, as Grandpa calls her) brings Arnold a sandwich for dinner, and notices Arnold is upset about the state of Lockjaw and his tank. Here's the thing about Grandma--she's kind of, err, eccentric. Like the schizophrenic kind of eccentric. You'll see in every episode, she's either in a costume or in high spirits about some minor event. It's rather adorable, because old people are awesome, especially Arnold's grandparents.

So, Arnold starts telling Grandma about Lockjaw, and Grandma gets super pissed (mostly because he's old and being treated like a trash can). So, Grandma decides that they must bust him out of that aquarium and return him to the ocean where he belongs.

Grandma outfits Arnold in an oversized red sweater, herself in cat burglar gear, and they take the Packard all the way to the aquarium. Grandma hands Arnold a bag of knitting needles and yarn as his "gear," which provokes Arnold to ask Grandma if she even has a driver's license since she clearly has no idea what she's doing, to which Grandma basically replies "lol nope."

"Grandma, do you have a driver's license?" - Arnold
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" - Grandma

They get to the aquarium, and Grandma starts playing spy as she smears the signature war paint on hers and Arnold's cheeks with charcoal (to complete the look), and then grapples up a five-foot wall. Honestly, what kind of medication is Grandma on? Or, rather, how much of it is she taking?

Interesting to know that this show's backgrounds were colored with colored pencils.

Grandma sneaks by the security post, which is vacant, so she and Arnold head into the aquarium and to Lockjaw's tank. I wonder where all the security cameras are. Surely they'd capture Arnold and Grandma moving about in there. Who knows how many people have tried to sneak into the aquarium to set these animals free? On their way, they pass the security guard failing to feed a penguin in a tiny tank. I'm not sure what's going on in this scene. It looks like the penguin is being fed food he doesn't like, so he keeps throwing it up. Seriously, this aquarium needs to be shut down.

Arnold unlocks the extremely unsecured lock that's keeping Lockjaw in his tank (I bet even Lockjaw could let himself out by just lifting the metal piece between the gates.) Once Grandma gets a good look at Lockjaw, she shakes her head at how poorly-maintained he is. She and Arnold give him a good bubbly scrub down, which makes Lockjaw start to trust them a little bit more.

Grandma decides that they must release Lockjaw from the aquarium, but Arnold says it's illegal. What, with the arrests, court orders, and bannings from every aquarium and zoo in the state, of course it's illegal. But apparently, not taking care of animals isn't illegal. Grandma then manages to convince Arnold to do it in one sentence, that it's human decency to release animals from their captive cages, so they try to figure out how to lift him so they can get him out.

Arnold warns Grandma not to get too close to Lockjaw's mouth, and then Lockjaw bites off her hand.

What a nice, clean bite. No blood, no fainting.

That would be insane if that really happened. But no. Grandma's sleeves are just too long. Why she screamed like that, I guess just to tease Arnold.

They continue to struggle lifting the giant turtle, until Arnold gets an idea--he grabs a skateboard from the closet and use it to wheel Lockjaw down the hallway and outside.

Okay, wait--if Arnold and Grandma can't even lift Lockjaw, how did they manage to get him on the skateboard? And wouldn't the skateboard snap under Lockjaw's massive weight? And wheeling a giant tortoise would not be as easy as pushing an empty wagon down the hallway.

I love how Lockjaw is emotionless throughout this entire episode. It's like, "Oh, people are throwing things at me. Meh." "Oh, look, some wide-headed kid and a crazy old lady are pushing me down the hall on this wheeled device. Ho-hum." I love turtles. I love Lockjaw.

Arnold and Grandma wheel past the security guard again, who is clearly a brain-dead idiot. Not only did he not hear the sound of a 400-pound tortoise rolling down the hallway and two pairs of running footsteps, he also is stupid enough to tease a goddamn shark to the point where he falls into the tank and gets eaten alive. No, seriously.

I just love this next shot:

I love everything about this screenshot.

They finally make it out, and it's morning by the time they make it to the docks to set Lockjaw free. They push him over the edge, and Lockjaw lands with a splat in the mucky, dirty city water. So, they released Lockjaw from one dirty environment to another. But at least here, he has a chance of making it to the cleaner areas of the ocean.

Arnold and Grandma watch as Lockjaw swims further and further out into the ocean. Meanwhile, he is still cold and emotionless, but I think he's grateful for escaping that hellhole of the aquarium.

But hey, what about all the other animals in the aquarium? Aren't they going to be rescued too? And what happened to the security guard? I'm sure all this will be the week's top news story--missing tortoise and security guard. The only clues are an open office with hundreds of skateboards, charcoal dust, and a sick penguin.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: Don't sign your name on anything potentially humiliating; free and rescue neglected zoo animals with no repercussions.