S2, E34: "Helga's Boyfriend" / "Crush on Teacher"

We've got a couple of juicy episodes tonight--it seems like every episode that deals with crushes, butterflies-in-the-stomach syndrome, or obsessive stalking that really ought to have psychiatric intervention, we get a little closer to the heart (no pun intended) of what makes Hey Arnold! so good in the first place.

Now, this isn't "Helga on the Couch," so there's no character development here, but I particularly love this set of episodes. And I'm glad I do because it's been too long since I reviewed an episode I truly liked (and trust me, I'll point them out along the way).



"Helga's Boyfriend"

Helga stalks Arnold at the movie theatre, and delivers an Oscar-worthy soliloquy about how she will one day get Arnold to notice her as more than just a frumpy bitch who pushes him around. Interesting background choice of a dead couple, by the way. It's totally Shakespeare.

"Where for art thou, Romeo?"

I guess I spoke too soon--the movie couple isn't really dead; there's just some kind of love triangle going on. The male lead kisses a different woman, and the female lead gets all pissed, calling the other woman a tramp (WHOA! That is really risque for Nickelodeon!) and kisses some other guy in retaliation.

Helga gets the idea to make Arnold jealous so that he will crave attention from her. So, Helga has to get herself a boyfriend, but not just any boyfriend, someone she can easily manipulate and who is too dumb to figure out what's going on.

By the way--how in the hell does Arnold not hear all this when he's sitting DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HELGA?!?! If all the moviegoers behind her can hear her every word, how does Arnold not? He can hear her screaming from miles away, when no one else can, but not her soliloquy practically in his ear?! Is this some Twilight Zone thing where Arnold can only hear her when no one else can, but when everyone can hear her, he can't?

Anyway, Helga chooses slow-witted (dumbass) Stinky Peterson to be her Boyfriend.exe. All he asks for in return is a Mr. Nutty candy bar a day. Well, that was easy.

So, everywhere Arnold goes, Helga and Stinky go. Stinky does a stinky job of getting Arnold's attention, but they do a fabulous job of getting the attention of everyone else. Ironic, ain't it?

Of course, every attempt lands Helga in pain.

So then, this attention-grabbing plan gets weird. Helga and Stinky dress up in these 1920s-esque English fashion and try to get Arnold's attention there. I must say--Helga and Stinky do look quite dashing.

"I said, 'STINKY, YOU SLAY ME!' Ahahahaha!"

Alas, that plan fizzles out when bees start attacking them because of the flowers on Helga's hat. Arnold definitely noticed Helga here when she runs past him in agony. You know, I'm actually getting the feeling that Arnold has been able to hear Helga all along--he knows she's been stalking him and secretly loves when they rub bodies when they crash into each other. And all this attention-seeking? He totally knows; he just doesn't care. Why else would Gerald ask Arnold if that was Helga running away, only for Arnold to reply with a bored-sounding, but assuring "Yup"? I think Arnold likes watching Helga beg for his attention. Hey, it entertains us, why not him?

Once Helga leaves the hospital from sustaining a hundred bee stings, she "breaks up" with Stinky, and Stinky feels awful, even into the night and the next day. And I don't think it's because he isn't getting any more free Mr. Nutty candy bars. Awww.

Arnold comes over to ask Stinky why he's crying (because that's so Arnold), and Stinky tells him he's "all torn up inside" over a girl, and reveals it's Helga. Arnold freaking jumps a foot in the air because Stinky is hopelessly devoted to HELGA MOTHERFUCKIN' PATAKI.

Stinky takes the day to tell Arnold that Helga is much more than just a blowhard bully in a big pink bow, though his reasons aren't very deep at all (Stink-o?) but that's besides the point. Awww. Stinky knows that there's another side to Helga that she doesn't show in public, and Arnold's advice is for Stinky to talk to her. Stinky is too heartbroken, so he asks Arnold to do it for him.

Meanwhile, Helga overhears this conversation and is convinced that Arnold has finally noticed her. I hate to burst your bubble, Helga, and please don't punch me, but Arnold has noticed you. Many, many times. Maybe not as the girl who calls you Arnold-o (no, wait... she has). Ah, you know what? Helga just wants Arnold to know that she does have a gentle side... without Arnold actually seeing it. Makes sense? It's kind of like showing a feral kitten you won't hurt him without actually cradling him in your arms and giving him skritches uttering, "Nice kitty. Precious kitty..." Kitten will be scared, as this total stranger is making physical contact with him, and won't trust you for a while. Though if Helga suddenly starts acting like a decent person to everyone, whoosh, there goes her reputation. But if it makes Arnold like her more, wouldn't that be worth a lost "tough chick" reputation?

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Arnold talks to Helga about a certain "friend" who is rocking a real boner for her, and he says his "friend" will meet her at the park to talk. Arnold really means Stinky, but Helga is convinced it's Arnold. And when Stinky shows up, Helga turns him down pretty hard.

And the reason why she does it in such a bitchy way is because she's "Helga Pataki" and he's "Stinky." God, I wish his parents gave this kid an actual name. Imagine him walking into a fancy interview and introducing himself:

"Hello, and you are...?"
"Stinky, sir."
"Oh, um, would you like a moist towelette?"

Arnold apologizes for things not working out between Stinky and Helga, and basically tells him to move on and find another girl. Surely there's someone else out there willing to let her nose be wiped and call him "Stink-o."

And what do you know? Stinky's found himself a rebound girl.

Hell yeah, that's the same Gloria from Helga's dream when she "disappeared" from her life. Helga's actually disappointed--not because she actually has feelings for Stinky all along, but because she liked having someone pine after her. And now that has come to an end. And it's all her fault because she doesn't want Arnold to know of her true feelings. But yet, she does.

If Helga grew up as privileged as Olga, I wonder if she would have an easier time revealing her feelings. Oh well; it's not going to change the fact that she still will stare at him with hearts in her eyes every chance she gets.




"Crush on Teacher"


So, Mr. Simmons got into some kind of freak accident or someone broke his spirit again--or maybe someone misaligned his chi--because he's going to be out for a few weeks. Everyone, meet Miss Felter--the new sub.

Miss Felter gives a pop quiz on long division her first day on the job (damn, what a hardass!) and calls on Arnold. Upon learning his name, she mentions she's "very partial" to it. Hmm.

Before I continue, I'd just like to know where all these new kids came from:

In Arnold's class, there's Arnold, Gerald, Sid, Stinky, Harold, Curly, Eugene, Park, Joey, Brainy, Rhonda, Helga, Phoebe, Sheena, Lila, and Nadine. Who are Moe, Larry, and Curly, here?

Arnold goes up to the board and solves a simple long division equation, and Miss Felter is mildly impressed. Later that day, as the kids are playing ball in the street, Miss Felter drives by in her top-down Rolls-Royce (?) and personally says "Hello" to Arnold. Arnold is now in a daze, so much that he gets a ball to the gut and mutters out an amorous, "I'm fine, Miss Felter."

Arnold has fallen hard--real hard. He can't stop thinking about Miss Felter and her soft voice and blonde hair and... long division skills? He just can't get her out of his head, even when he's trying to do his math homework.

He fantasizes about being all alone in the classroom with her (take your mind out of the gutters, people!), apologizing for his homework having her name written all over it. Fantasy Miss Felter says it's fine, and then pulls two chocolate milkshakes out from under her desk to share with Arnold. Wahey, even for a fantasy, I can't stop chuckling at how bizarre that is. "Oh Arnold, I'm flattered. Do you like milkshakes?"

Do you like milkshakes? 

The next morning, Gerald notices Arnold's shirt is on backwards, so Arnold has to turn it around the correct way. Now, I never understood why people all over the Internet kept wondering if Arnold was wearing a skirt or kilt underneath his blue sweater, as it's been shown at least three times over the course of the series that that red flannel thing is, indeed, a shirt. So let me set the record straight for everyone on every corner of the Internet: That red "kilt/skirt" thing is Arnold's SHIRT:

On their way to school, Arnold notices the little things on the walk--the sound of birds trying to get laid, the flowers growing out of the cracks in the cement... he gives Gerald this goofy grin that makes even Gerald sick to his stomach.

Arnold's lovey-dovey crush continues throughout the day, making Gerald sick to his stomach. But perhaps Arnold isn't all-that crazy to believe that Miss Felter really does have an infatuation with that name, reading the class a poem by someone with the last name "Arnold." I really want to know what's going on in Helga's mind right now. It would have been an awesome idea to include her in this love fiasco.

Gerald walks by the teacher's lounge right as Miss Felter is excitedly telling a colleague about her dinner date with Arnold Friday night (because the plot device calls for this totally unbelievable coincidence) and runs off to tell Arnold. However, Miss Felter really meant she was excited about her dinner date with her fiance: Arnold Skelter. Hmm, the future Mrs. Felter-Skelter. Like the Beatles' song Helter Skelter? Or like the phrase for confusion (i.e. misunderstanding a teacher's private conversation, GERALD.)?

Gerald tells Arnold what he just heard, and now Arnold is freaking out. Gerald apologizes profusely for not believing Arnold when he believed Miss Felter had the (illegal) hots for him. They run back to Arnold's room, bumping into Helga, who gives a short soliloquy ending with Helga not even knowing what Arnold's last name is. Ha.

So, Gerald prepares Arnold for his dinner date with Miss Felter by giving him cock-a-mamey 70s-era advice from his parents' dusty magazines: if Miss Felter is serious about getting some Arnold dick, she'll show the following signs: folding napkins, putting on some mating-inspired music, and lights candles. Gerald, you forgot one thing--if Miss Felter and Arnold are in her bedroom at the same time, that's the kicker to know she's definitely serious.

Arnold certainly likes flannel. Eh, it was the 90s.

Okay, I've neglected the elephant in the room here for long enough. Why? Yes, that's my question. All instances being legal, if Miss Felter were to invite Arnold to her house on a date, why wouldn't she ask him herself? Even if Miss Felter meant to ask out Arnold, why is Gerald the only one to know about it? And since Miss Felter never actually asked Arnold on a date, why is he going there in the first place? If anything, Gerald is basically setting Arnold up on a one-sided date. Should this be considered sexual assault? Not by these two, who can't even master listening comprehension.

Gerald tosses Arnold a walkie-talkie, and they head off to Miss Felter's apartment. How do they find out where their teachers live? First Mr. Simmons, and now Miss Felter? Whatever--they probably use Yellowpages.

When Arnold rings the doorbell, Miss Felter is like, "What are you doing at my house?" but she can barely get a word in because Arnold is so lovestruck and desperate, but still so adorable. Miss Felter can't resist his cute-kid charm, and invites him inside anyway. WHOA, NOW. This has all gone from sweet and innocent to just downright illegal. No teacher--substitute or permanent--would allow one of their students to be alone inside their house. I guess Miss Felter feels sorry for him but any normal teacher would call his house. She invites him into her kitchen, engages in some conversation, and just lets him hang around while she waits for her fiancé.

"You set a beautiful table, my fair senorita."
"Muchas gracias!"
"Enchilada."

So then, Miss Felter starts piecing together the love puzzle one-by-one: the napkins, the music, the candles. Gerald is of no help--he's just shocked that Miss Felter is digging Arnold this badly. That is, until, the real Arnold shows up:

Wouldn't it have been a more interesting plot if Arnold Skelter saw our Arnold as a threat? Like, he would call Miss Felter a cougar or a possible rapist for having a student alone in her house and contact P.S. 118? She'd be the #1 story for a week straight: "Substitute teacher seeks substitute Arnold. How old is too old to date a student?"

Jokes aside, Arnold is heartbroken that Miss Felter Helter Skelter is taken, but manages to shake it off because this episode needs to be rushed out the door since it hit its 11-minute mark already.




Lessons Learned From These Episodes: love hurts; move on if your crush doesn't like you back; get the whole story before you assume your substitute teacher wants to do the diddly with one of your best friends