S1, E19: "Magic Show" / "24 Hours to Live"

Greetings! So, how are my fellow east coasters doing, what with this so-called snowmageddon slowing down everyone's travel plans? They shut down street traffic in NYC Friday afternoon which is kind of ridiculous if you ask me. I mean, I understand it's for safety, but people around here seem to act like they've never encountered a blizzard before. I can only imagine what it's like when states like Georgia hear they're getting snow.


"Magic Show"

The alternate title for this episode should be "It's a Wonderful Life (Without Helga)."

Helga gathers today's mail after Miriam singsongs for her to go get it. Along with the bundle of bills, sweepstakes scams, and maybe an unsolicited dick pic (hey, who knows?) is an invitation to see Arnold as "The Great Arnoldini" at his magic show at 2:00 today.

Seeing as she has nothing better to do other than add this flyer to her collection of papers Arnold has touched already, Helga decides "Eh, what the hell?"

Miriam is upset about Helga leaving the house because it's Big Bob's birthday. Just invite Olga over; he won't miss Helga.

Helga gets to the backyard of the boarding house where the magic show is being held. She turns into quite the angry bitch upon learning there are no seats left, and fucking screams at Phoebe for not saving her one, and doing "everything wrong." And then she literally kicks Harold off of his. Okay, Harold is like three times her weight, so A) why is he as easy to tip over as a red Solo cup and B) why does Harold so willingly give up his seat? Go find a chair, Helga, and defend your seat, Harold. Jeez, I know Helga is normally quite bitchy, but today she's a special kind of bitch.

Arnold comes out and immediately starts falling apart. He does a handful of "tricks" which aren't really even tricks at all. Really? Pouring cold water on a hot plate and making steam? A "rubber" pencil? Man, I would think Arnold would have some really cool tricks from Gerald's grandpa's cousin twice-removed's magic handbook or something.

Gerald and Sid (who have been assisting Arnold) suggest they move onto the grand finale--the disappearing act. Wait, that's the grand finale?! Holy shitballs--no wonder this event was free. Speaking of which, naturally there had to be that trope where the show's idiot (in this case, Harold) shouted how they paid for this event, only to be told it's free.

Everyone enthusiastically chants for Helga to be the victim for Arnold's disappearing act, and with enough humiliation (rightfully so), Helga volunteers herself and steps into the box. She continues to mock Arnold and his lack of creativity to put on a decent magic show, but instead of slapping her upside the head for being a real smart-ass today, just tells her to shut up and relax for once in her life. Arnold closes the box, and then a curtain falls directly in front of Helga, the same curtain matching the one behind her. This creates the illusion that she has "disappeared" when really Helga is just behind the curtain. It fools the audience.

That top hat is super adorable.

I was actually waiting for Helga to poke her head out from behind that curtain and tell everyone it's a fake act, but I think that would have been too mean, even for her.

Over the deafening roar of the kids cheering and hollering (not because the trick worked, but because Helga, one way or another, is actually gone), Helga overhears Gerald snicker to Arnold that he wishes they could really make her disappear. Helga gets slightly insulted, and decides to "teach them a lesson" by sneaking out the back of the box and disappearing for real.

Did Arnold draw that design on the front door of the refrigerator box? That's really cool!

Ha ha, Helga thinks she so slick.

As she watches Arnold fail to "bring her back" again and again, she imagines Arnold getting arrested for making her disappear and search parties being formed all over the world to find her.

Hold up: from all the stories I've heard of children disappearing, this big search would so not happen. If Helga actually disappeared, they'd announce her disappearance on the news, people will post a "Find Helga" hashtag or some sort on social media, and people will move on with their lives. Unless you're the president's daughter, small potatoes like you are not going to get this kind of treatment.

But it's actually kind of interesting to see just how much Helga thinks the world would care if she disappeared. From the mind of a nine-year-old, Helga thinks everyone would miss her like crazy and pray for her safe return home. But it's also inconsistent with the way her family treats her. Her parents and Olga basically ignore her, so why is Big Bob shown in one fantasy scene looking deeply concerned? I would think he would be the last person to show any kind of remorse for the disappearance of not Olga--at least in Helga's mind.

Alas, Helga is thrilled by the possibility of getting all this attention from being missing that she doesn't look where she's going and ironically runs into a "No Running" sign. Why is that even there in the first place? That's an oddly random place to put it, in the alleyway of the boarding house.

Is there a reason the animators made her dress so short here?

She knocks herself unconscious, and then wakes up in a dream where everyone is happy Helga is gone. No, I mean like really happy. The "No Running" sign has turned into a "No Helga" sign, and there's a freaking float parade cheering on Helga's disappearance from the world. Damn, that's dark. Imagine waking up and seeing everyone cheer your possible death like it's New Year's Day, midnight.

I love how Helga is so nonchalant about realizing she's a ghost now. For Helga to be dreaming that the world would be much happier without her speaks so many more volumes than what she initially thought would happen, because this means that Helga is aware that she's a total bitch and believes people would prefer it if she disappeared. Well, if that part of her disappeared, anyway.

So, now that Helga is a "ghost," no one can see or hear her. This is the perfect opportunity for her to go to everyone she knows, peep into their windows, and see how their lives are without her.

She first goes home to Bob and Miriam, and hears soft, romantic music coming from her room. She goes up to investigate. Oh, God, if this wasn't a Nickelodeon show...

Instead of finding her parents fucking on her bed, she finds them canoodling in the corner of her room, renovated into their "love nest," happy that they don't have to support Helga anymore.

"Love is... love."

Also, why is Miriam's voice different? She sounds like a less shrill version of Olga.

Helga then goes to Phoebe's house, certain that she would miss her. When she gets to Phoebe's house, she opens her bedroom door and finds that Phoebe has made a new best friend--Gloria, who dresses the same as Helga but is much more sickly sweet.

Phoebe gushes about how awesome Gloria is and how she's an awesome best friend, further fueling Helga's beliefs that she's a shitty friend to Phoebe. Well, it's true.

While all this exposition certainly is beyond helpful for us to understand what Helga really thinks would happen if she was gone, it's not necessary and slows the storytelling down to infantile levels. I'm sure there's a much more interesting way to get across the message that Helga believes she is unwanted in everyone's lives than her subconscious literally saying through her friends and family, "I'm so glad Helga is gone because now I can finally ____."

And the climax of all this Gloria-praising, Helga-bashing is that Phoebe can't even remember what Helga's name was, causing Helga to freak out. She finally realizes that no one gives a shit that she's gone, even though everyone is clearly talking about her being gone. If they don't care, why would they talk about it? So for Helga to freak out that no one remembers her is bullshit, because that's all everyone in her fantasy talks about--her being gone!



Finally, Helga watches, in horror, on TV that Arnold's magician career has skyrocketed due to making Helga disappear, and he, too, doesn't miss her at all. And then he announces that he and Ruth are getting married. At nine years old? Maybe if you're in Yemen, and even then, they'll pair you both off with someone your parents will deem worthy.

After Helga screams her head off to wake herself up, she realizes what a dick she's been to everyone lately and vows to be a better person. She runs to the store to get a gift for her father, flowers for Phoebe, and gets back to the boarding house just in time for Arnold to attempt to bring Helga "back" for the 48th time. The hell? Did it ever occur to Arnold that Helga left? Did he actually believe she was gone? You would think someone as intelligent as Arnold would be able to figure out, "Hey, I've pulled up this curtain 48 times and Helga still isn't here. Maybe she snuck out the back!" And why did the kids stay to watch this? You would think they would have gotten bored after the first five or six attempts and left. That's one dedicated audience. Then again, they did probably believe Arnold actually did make Helga disappear, so...

As Helga stands on stage and apologizes for her behavior, she is ignored for free Yahoo sodas. How humiliating! So, then she just apologizes to Arnold, who is clearly insulted for how Helga was acting towards him earlier, but eventually is forced to accept it when Helga reverts back to insulting him again. And hey, did you see Arnold turn his wand into a bouquet of flowers? That's some straight-up Hogwarts wizardry.

Some people will never change. God, Helga, just tell Arnold you're in love with him. Just don't show him your closet shrine.





"24 Hours to Live"


"Arrrrrnold!" Hey, it's back! Arnold drifted off into one of those marijuana-induced fantasies again. This time, he got so high, he floated up into space! 

Fun fact: this episode is the same plot--almost word-for-word--as the pilot episode (which I will be lightly reviewing at the end of season 1) but with marginally better animation and coloring.

Helga brings Arnold back down to reality because he's up to bat. Wait, why are they playing on the street? What happened to Gerald Field? I know these episodes were made out-of-order but jeez, I didn't think these were that far apart from their original timeline.

Helga and Harold taunt Arnold, mostly for fun, but they're really busting his chops. They taunt him so much that Arnold becomes in a sort-of baseball zen, and whacks the ball with incredible force on the third swing...

...right into Harold's face.

"G'night, mommy..." - Harold

Helga slaps him awake and tells him that Arnold beaned him with the ball. Harold gets pissed off for some reason, and instead of just brushing it off since it clearly was an accident, decides the right course of action should be to beat the football-headed shit out of Arnold.

Naturally, Helga wouldn't dare let anyone put a scratch on her beloved, so she suggests that Harold let Arnold "think about what he's done" and build his fear for a day so Harold can properly beat him. I really don't know why Helga suggests this because whether it's today or tomorrow, Arnold will get his ass beat right back up into space. I guess she just wants to torture him. You know, watch him squirm. And also give Arnold more proof that she absolutely "haaaaates" him. It's very surprising how no one has pieced together this obsession Helga has for this kid.

As Gerald and Arnold walk, they talk about how Harold is such an ignoramus, he won't even remember he planned to beat Arnold's head into a normal-looking shape. And then a bus drives by with Helga leaning out the window announcing that Arnold has 24 hours left until he dies. The scene cuts to another one of her monologues, and one of the unintentionally funniest faces I've caught thus far:

And then she socks Brainy, who, naturally starts breathing his open-mouthed breathing right behind her.

Arnold tries to get advice from Grandpa on how to get out of this little predicament, but he says he doesn't know what Arnold should do, but leaves him with some words of wisdom from his 81 years of experience growing up--never eat raspberries. I freaking love Grandpa. And don't listen to him--raspberries are DELICIOUS. Drop them into a cup with some plain yogurt--MMM.

Grandma is hunting down a wasp--and I mean literally hunting it down (it wouldn't be Grandma without a hat and a secret code name for the occasion). Helga calls to remind Arnold that he now has 22 hours left until he dies. That's kind of obsessive. What, is she going to do that all night?

I feel sorry for the neighbors. I'm genuinely surprised no one has leaned out their window and told her to shut her pie-hole already. That shit won't fly, especially in the city. That's the one thing that always bugged me about this episode, that no one cares that Helga is standing out there with a megaphone counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until Arnold gets his face punched in. Although the boarders don't say anything, I can imagine how they'd react to Helga standing outside the boarding house in the middle of the night:

Mr. Hyunh: "Arnold little friend! Shut up and go home! You are giving us all splitting headache! Is driving me crazy!"

Ernie: "Hey, blondie, you want to take that megaphone of yours and high-tail it back home already? Jeez, we get it; Arnold's gonna die. Great. Now split before I call the cops."

Grandpa: "Would you pipe down out there you little weasel?! It's the middle of the night! In my day, we kids were home before the streetlights came on!"

Oskar: "Suzie? Could you tell Arnold's girlfriend to stop with the noise? It's giving me a headache. Oh, and while you're up, make me a sandwich."

Suzie: "Oskar, I told you already she won't leave. And if you're so hungry, go make your own sandwich."

Oskar: "But Suuuuzie!"

Grandma: "CLEAR THE PERIMETER! GATHER THE SUPPLIES! THIS KID'S GONNA DIE! QUICK, JOMBA, THROW ME THE SCALPEL WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF WE DON'T SAVE HIM, WE'LL TAKE OUR LIVES, TOO! HEEEEYYYAAA!"

Mr. Smith (Slendy): (Swoops in and kidnaps Helga under his trenchcoat--breaks her megaphone and drops her in front of the nearest bus station).

Abner: *Sniff sniff* Squeeeeee-squee-squee! 


That night, Arnold has a dream where he, Harold, Stinky, and Helga are giants, and Arnold is navigating the city trying to hide out from Harold. It doesn't work so well since he's so big and all, and then he climbs a tall tower, breaking off the tip, and swinging it around like he's King Kong. Helga freaks out and calls him crazy, causing everyone to run in fear. Arnold takes delight in this newfound power, and laughs into the sky while lightning strikes behind him. Menacing!

One of the best parts about this episode is the radio announcement that immediately follows once Arnold wakes up, and this time, it's from a regular digital alarm clock, and not from his awesome, yet painfully delicate potato clock: "It's 7:00 on K-I-L-L. This one goes out to Arnold who is going to die in two hours, six minutes, and 47 seconds from Helga who hates you." I don't think I even want to know how Helga was able to bribe the DJ to make that announcement.

Arnold reaches under his bed and pulls out one of those old school boomboxes. Ooh, I see where this is going.

This is the slowest news day in the history of Hillwood.

Arnold makes it to the spot where he beaned Harold with the baseball, and there's a crowd of kids there waiting to see some real bloodshed. Helga's selling tickets to witness this event, and calls out that Arnold is going down in six seconds. Hey, wait. How did it go from two hours to six seconds that quickly? Certainly it didn't take Arnold two hours to walk from the boarding house to the street. Did he stop to eat breakfast? Shower? Pee? Watch a cartoon? I'm sorry, it's just this time jump is so jarring.

Arnold approaches Harold very calmly and tells him that he's crazy, and that he shouldn't hit a crazy person. Everyone laughs. Harold then asks Arnold to prove it. Here it is, folks, the single greatest moment in Hey Arnold! thus far:

That deserved a standing ovation, for sure! I honestly tried looking up this song. It sounds just like James Brown, but I cannot find the name of this song. Perhaps it was original to the episode, but that doesn't sound right. If someone can find more info on this, I'll certainly be grateful.

But daaaaamn, Arnold killed it! That song is catchy as hell, and he certainly proved that he is, indeed, crazy. Insane. Demented. Deranged. Unhinged. Mad as a hatter. Non compos mentis. Harold is so impressed that he asks Arnold to join his club. Wait, what club? Oh, it doesn't matter. Arnold isn't going to die after all. Harold makes Joey and Iggy fight instead. And fade to black.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: be nice to people because deep down, you know you're probably an asshole; thwart every fight with a little bit o' James Brown and some fancy footwork