S2, E32: "Steely Phil" / "Quantity Time"

Yo. So, I'm going away this weekend, so I'm putting this review out early. Enjoy!

"Steely Phil"

I honestly wonder what the writers, editors, and director were saying when episode ideas were bouncing around in the storyboard room back in '97:

"So, who's got an idea for this next episode?"
"How about one where Grandpa reclaims his glory from his youth?"
"Great! What should it be: a schoolyard fight that was unfair? No, how about a war battle he never fully recovered from?"
"I've got it--Grandpa goes against an old enemy in a Chinese checkers tournament to prove that Grandpa is, and has always been, just as good a player."
"So you want us to fill out eleven minutes with two old men playing checkers?"
"Chinese checkers."
"Not a bad idea..."
"And let's call it 'Steely Phil.'"
"Hot damn, that's genius. All right, everyone. After you finish watching the paint dry in the break room, let's get to work."


You heard what the man said; let's get to work reviewing this:

Arnold and Grandpa are trying to figure out how to get out of the park after a day of kite-flying. Arnold asks Grandpa how he learned to fly a kite so damn well, to which Grandpa replies that once you hit 70, you better hurry up and start learning a bunch of shit before you're on your death bed and regret trying everything at least once.

Arnold suggests a shortcut through an area where they've never been before, but Grandpa starts shaking like a dog during the 4th of July. He's obviously been traumatized by something, something awful that he doesn't even want to approach it, but Arnold drags him along anyway. And that's when Grandpa faces his fear:

Chinese Checkers. 

Oh, and also some arrogant asswipe, Robby Fisher:

The scene is so overly dramatic--yes, you old geezers, Grandpa is still alive and kicking. Too bad that doesn't stop Robby from commenting haughtily that he thought "Steely Phil" kicked the bucket years ago. And he is quick to mock Grandpa on his loss from the last time they played. Damn, what a class-A asshole. How can someone be this arrogant over a game of checkers?!

Anyway, Robby asks if Grandpa will be joining the Chinese checkers tournament this Saturday, to which Grandpa confidently agrees, as he's going to kick Robby's ass back to the 50s. Good for you, Grandpa! Shut him up and tear him down!

When Grandpa walks away, he pulls us into a flashback and tells us of how he wasted his entire life learning, breathing, eating, and shitting Chinese Checkers so he can be the best of the very best in Hillwood. There were some great contenders, but none as good as Robby Fisher.

The old man on the right never seems to age after the 50s, does he? Shout out to Snee-Oosh for sneaking in present-day characters into flashbacks!

Robby had won the city championship, leaving Grandpa scarred and humiliated for the next forty years. Well, damn. I can see when you spend your entire life perfecting a totally useless skill, you'd be fucked up when someone beats you at it one time. Adding fuel to the fire, Grandpa eventually realized that he could have won with a move he hadn't seen, if only he stopped thinking about the glory of winning a game of checkers and actually focused on what to do to win. It's like the hare and the tortoise fable... only with checkers. Chinese checkers.

In order to reclaim Grandpa's glory, he tries to sign Arnold up to go against Robby Fisher, but Arnold is like, "I can't beat the city champion! You do it!" But Grandpa insists that he can't because Chinese checkers is a game of marbles and Grandpa has already lost most of his. Bahaha! Well, when you sign your grandson up to go against a seasoned veteran with years and years of experience, I can't argue.

So, Grandpa vows to train hard so he can be prepared to go up against Robby. Instead of actually pulling out a Chinese checkers board and practicing with Arnold or one of his old buddies, he trains Rocky Balboa-style. Uh, what?

Okay, while Grandpa does actually practice checkers throughout the week, why does he get into physical shape? It's a good thing to do in general, but for a board game? Other than the fact that this is purely to amp up the tension and just be ridiculous-funny, it's unnecessary. Ah, but who am I kidding? Grandpa is in better shape than me.

All night Friday night, Grandpa (in his own separate bed for some reason) thinks about the tournament and how he's going to beat Robby. He goes into Arnold's room to wake him up and tell him he doesn't think he'll be able to do it. Arnold says that Grandpa's skills are top-notch, and then gives him a pep-talk, reminding him about all the times he entered a contest and won.

"Remember all the times when I was in a contest and you told me I could win?"
"Oh sure, but I didn't really believe you could win. I just told you that stuff on the off-chance those other kids would blow it.". 

It's so bizarre that Grandpa has to go to Arnold for advice when Arnold is always going to Grandpa for advice. Maybe he's trying to test him.

But because Arnold has so much confidence in Grandpa, Grandpa is inspired to beat Robby and reclaim his glory as the Chinese checkers master. Oh, how I wish this was the most important thing I had to worry about.

Saturday comes around, and the tournament begins. Grandpa looks over at Robby, who seems to be beating everyone within ten seconds of even starting, and he acts like he's so bored of the lack of a real challenge just to show off to everyone that he's the greatest player alive. Ahem, "Next victim."

Soon, Mr. Fisher, you'll be the next victim of osteoporosis.

And then it comes down to Robby vs. Steely Phil. Red vs. blue. Ever notice that on some TV shows, our protagonist(s) will be wearing the color blue or have blue-colored paraphernalia, while the opposing team or antagonist will have or wear red? Is red supposed to be a bad color? Red is my favorite color! Well then... looks like it's time to pack my bags and inch down the devil's staircase since I must be evil.

Anyway, the game goes into the evening, which makes me wonder when this tournament started, and Robby and Steely Phil end up in the same spot they were forty years ago. Robby laughs at the guarantee of winning the trophy again, and tells Grandpa to make his losing move again so he can laugh and rub the trophy in his face.

God damn! Why the hell does this pompous pissfuck care so much about winning a game of checkers? Is his life so devoid of meaning, happiness, and joy that he has to take the one thing he's talented at, no matter how useless to real-world application, and shove it in the face of everyone who cares to walk by the table? It would be like someone who can open any jar no matter how tight walking up to you, shoving a jar in your face, and makes you watch him twist the lid off, drink the contents, and exhale with an exhilarating ahhhhhh. 

It's a good thing Steely Phil uses his new (old?) knowledge of moving his piece backwards instead of forward like forty years ago, and so it comes to a tie. In your face, Fisher!

I can't believe Robby is pounding his fists on the table--no, you know what? I can believe it. He's a baby in an 80-year-old's body. You think Grandpa has lost all his marbles? Clearly, Robby has lost all of his first. Plus his Chinese checker pieces. 


"Quantity Time"

Helga's totally stoked for Slam Jam 5, and seeing how it's vacation time, this'll be the perfect opportunity for her to sneak in--err, I mean find a way to score tickets to this amazing, sold-out event.

At dinner than night, Helga and Big Bob eat like pigs who have been starved for three days:

Miriam watches them in disgust. Hey, I would too. Having one Bob is bad enough, but two? Perhaps that's why when both Helga and Big Bob announce that they're both going to be off for the week, Miriam excuses herself from the table to go to sleep... or to drown her misery in bottles of Bacardi she has hidden under the bed. Damn, I wish The Patakis was produced for real.

The next day, Miriam packs her bags and announces that she's going to stay with her mother for the week, an obvious cover-up so that she won't have to be home with Bob and Helga and actually spend time with them. She's walking out the door with a cab waiting outside, giving no time for Helga or Bob to convince her to stay. Damn, this is really dark. I get how awful both can be, but for Miriam to run away at her only chance makes me think something else goes on in that household that Nickelodeon is not allowed to let us see.

After two days, we learn that Bob and Helga haven't spent any time together at all. It's almost dinner time, and there's no food in the house. Since Bob doesn't know how to cook, Helga had to have cereal for dinner. Hey, that's not too bad. Sometimes I have cereal for dinner. I could eat Corn Flakes for every meal, honestly. And brownies. And Popeyes chicken. Now, I'm hungry.

So, Helga and Bob go food shopping. Helga is pissed because Bob has no idea what he's doing, and Bob is amazed that there's so much food to choose from... and none of it is cooked!

Helga doesn't eat any of the food that Bob picks up, and nearly loses it when he picks up a packet of strawberries, which Helga is deathly allergic to. This is really sad. Not even sad--this is awful. How little do you know your child that you don't even know what they are allergic to?

Apples are 42 cents a pound? Grapes 10 cents a pound? Hot damn, what a steal!

Bob tells Helga to pipe down, which means he obviously doesn't care if Helga broke out in hives and died. I wonder what Bob and Miriam would have put on her tombstone:

Olga Helga Pataki
1988 - 1997

Death by neglectful parents.
And strawberries.

Helga calls Miriam sometime later, eating cereal (again) for dinner, and cannot stand spending time with Bob. Bob grabs the phone out of Helga's hand and tells Miriam that Helga is just being an annoying brat. But for once, I actually have to side with Helga on this one. It's unacceptable that not only doesn't Big Bob know what his own daughter eats, but he also dismisses her legitimate complaints about starving in her own house. I guess Bob thinks he has everything under control. Or maybe he doesn't give a shit about Helga. I'm going with the latter.

Miriam reminds Bob that he and Helga must spend "quality time" together, or as Bob likes to put it, "quantity time." So he spends the entire day taking Helga on his errands. And I'll be damned, that certainly is quantity time. And Helga hates every second of it.

Bob gets sick of Helga complaining, so he takes her out for some fresh air. On a pony. Which she despises. Where Arnold and Grandpa see her. And then she falls into the mud. Oh, is there anything worse than embarrassing yourself in front of your crush?

Helga stomps back home and up to her room where she vows to never speak to Bob again.

That doesn't last long, because right before Helga slams her door shut, she tells Big Bob in a serious, yet calm voice to stop trying to bond with her, and to leave her alone. He then overhears Helga shit-talking Bob on the phone with Phoebe, and then goes downstairs to sulk.

Bob looks through a family album, and for once his eyes open to Helga and just how miserable she is.

Well, let's try to figure out why, Bob. You praise and honor her older sister, constantly ignore anything Helga says, and disregard her feelings for her just being "high-strung." Not only that, she has an alcoholic mother who also ignores her in favor of Olga, and the one chance she has to spend time with Helga, she packs her bags and runs off to her mother's house as if she can't stand being in the same house with her (or you) for even one day. OF COURSE SHE'S MISERABLE, YOU ASSHOLE.

At least Bob has some semblance of humanity when he decides to do something to make it up to Helga, so he goes into her room while she's sleeping so he can look for a clue. Any clue, just to see what she's interested in. Oh, God, I hope he doesn't go into her closet.

He finds the Slam Jam poster in Helga's hand. and, piecing together the conversation he overheard with Phoebe earlier, has an idea.

So, he wakes Helga up the next morning, tells her to get dressed, and says he got the tickets she wanted. And suddenly Helga is all smiles... until Bob drives up to this:

On the outside, they're smiling. On the inside, they're kicking themselves for now having to sit through this stupid musical for three hours. I'm surprised Helga doesn't yell at Bob for screwing up again, but perhaps she just holds back seeing as this is the first time he's making some kind of effort... even though he should have checked BOTH sides of the magazine poster. Then again, he wouldn't have known the difference, anyway.

An obvious parody of the Cats: The Musical? Yes, it is.

They're not even one goofy song in, and already Bob and Helga agree that this is the stupidest thing they've ever seen. But hey, hey, they may not have found something that they can enjoy together, but at least they have found something to hate together. 

Lessons Learned From These Episodes: believe in yourself and you, too, can beat your old enemies (or at least tie with them), which to them is losing; if you can't find something to like together, find something you can hate on together.