S2, E28: "Arnold Saves Sid" / "Hookey"

Welcome back, guys. Still popping those Tums from overstuffing yourselves at your Easter banquets last night? Well, once your stomach settles, go out and buy some discounted chocolates so you can have something to nibble on while reviewing these next two episodes.


"Arnold Saves Sid"

Oh, boy, we've got a Sid episode on our hands today. This kid is a real headcase, probably moreso than Helga.

Sid shows Arnold his favorite fast food joint, Mr. Chicken, which is the absolute most creative name I have ever heard. Wowza, with a name like that, people will be lining out the door just to try whatever lies inside. I wonder what's next door--Dr. Burger?

Anyway, Sid boasts about how Mr. Chicken is promoting their famous pancakes and halibut special. Ew.

What kind of chain is this? What's the focus? From the outside it looks like a KFC, maybe even a Popeyes since you can order fish from it (does KFC offer fish?). But the pancakes suggest that there's a breakfast menu. Fish on top of pancakes gives off a Norwegian/Swedish/Finnish-type vibe. That's it--this is a Nordic-American fast food chain. There we go!

Arnold notices that the giant Mr. Chicken sign is falling, so he pushes Sid out of the way just in time before the sign turns Sid into Squish.

Lawsuit!

Someone better be fired for that! If it wasn't for Arnold, Sid could have died. Whoever runs that chain is so damn lucky that thing didn't fall on Sid, because his ass would be in court so fast.

Okay, so maybe it wouldn't have killed him per se--but you'd better believe the owner would have been sued if Sid's parents saw their son walking through the door with a bump on his head the shape of halibut on a stack of pancakes.

Sid thanks Arnold for saving him anyway, and says he's totally gonna make it up to him. Aww, that's nice.

After Arnold leaves the boarding house for school (with Grandpa and Oscar in the background argue over pancakes and Oscar "threatening" to sue for slapping him with a spatula--ooh, continuity!), Sid is outside with a tray of scrambled eggs and a glass of milk... with a bendy straw!

All right, so Sid is grateful that Arnold "saved" his life. Great. But isn't it kind of bizarre that we're barely two minutes into the episode and already Sid is going overboard? Even more, Sid decides that the best way to repay Arnold is to dedicate his life to him and become his personal slave. Even Arnold is like, "Why the fuck are you doing this?" But Sid insists, because Arnold did save his life. Sick. We really need some backstory on Sid. No way would a kid with a normal upbringing be this clingy.

"Come on, now, here comes the choo-choo train. Choo-choo!" - Sid

I rest my case.

Throughout the day, Sid follows Arnold around like a duckling without his mother, doing everything and anything he can to make Arnold as comfortable as possible. Ironically, Sid trying to make Arnold comfortable and happy is making him uncomfortable and unhappy. That's how Arnold can get out of this--by telling Sid he's not comfortable or happy with Sid being his flunky.

Nit-picking here: Sid gives Arnold a crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich, meanwhile the sandwich is nothing but a piece of lettuce between two slices of bread with the crust.

When Sid walks away momentarily to fetch Arnold his slippers and cigar, Arnold asks Gerald to meet him in the bathroom later (where Sid won't follow him) to discuss the Sid problem. And wouldn't you know--Sid actually offers to assist Arnold in the bathroom! Sick. Sick, I tell you! How far is this kid going to go? Is he going to wipe Arnold's ass for him? Hold his dick while he pees? No, I'm really curious. If Arnold allowed Sid in the bathroom with him, I could guarantee Sid would have followed him into the stall.

Now, for the first time, Arnold is taking advice from someone else. What a twist! Gerald suggests that Arnold should tell Sid straight up to stop. And that's what Arnold does later at the ice cream shop. I think Sid knows that Arnold is sick of him being his personal slave. No, I know he realizes that he's pissing Arnold off doing every little thing for him, because it's hard for Arnold to get a word in about it edgewise because Sid keeps interrupting Arnold to offer him shit that he doesn't want. Why, though? That's the real question.

But Arnold stands his ground, tells Sid to knock it off, and Sid "agrees."

And the next morning?

And I thought Curly had issues.

This just might be the first episode where we realize some kind of screw is loose and rattling around inside Sid's head. This kid can't take "no" for an answer, can he? Sid claims that he "knew" Arnold didn't mean for him to stop being his slave. What exactly is Sid trying to prove, here? Is he trying to make Arnold feel guilty? If that chicken sign fell on Arnold instead, and Sid pushed him out of the way, would Sid make Arnold feel guilty for not being his personal slave? I'm no psychologist (in fact, I got a C+ in Introductory Psychology), but it seems to me like Sid is manipulative.

If I was Arnold, I would have thrown Sid out of my room. This has officially gone from annoying to creepy to just plain stalker. Arnold, you're much too nice. Just wait for him to bend over to shine your other pair of shoes, then kick him right in the butt.

Arnold goes to Grandpa for advice, so Grandpa unleashes his bit of wisdom on his young grandson. He gives him a mop, tells him to so the floors, and then walks away.

Classic (grand)dad joke.

Oh, and just because:

So, what's Arnold to do? He just gives in. Instead of fighting Sid tooth and nail against him being his personal slave, he "enjoys" the pampering. Hell, if you can't beat 'em, you might as well join 'em, right?

But no, Sid has to be a little fucktart and try to claim that Arnold has been taking advantage of him over the past few weeks. Holy hopping horseshit Hell--I... I don't have any words.

Can you believe this little twat?! He basically reiterates everything Arnold has said to him over and over--that it was no big deal saving him from having that piece of plywood fall on him--and he has the Goddamn nerve to try to accuse Arnold of being in the wrong?! AND he tries to end their friendship and claim he has a life of his own?! No. No, no, no, no, no. No. Arnold, if I were you, I'd walk right out. Just walk out. No dumping your ice cream on his head, no cursing him out, just walk. Keep all your dignity and just walk away, never to speak to him again.

So, what does Arnold do? He gives in to Sid's delusions and makes it up to him by getting him a gift card to that Mr. Chicken place. And thus, they're even.

No way. Arnold so does not deserve this. Why is he pretending to have taken advantage of Sid? If that was really the only way to shut that big-nosed headcase up, then he is so not worth hanging around with. Sid needs to see a psychiatrist. Fast.





"Hookey"


Yes, even secret super secret geniuses like Arnold and Gerald get sick of school.

They take an awfully long time complaining about school and getting to the crux of the episode--playing hookey. I get we're supposed to think of taking the day off from school as some sort of marijuana-level no-no, but the way this scene is set up makes it so much more serious than it actually is. It makes playing hookey more tempting.

Arnold caves in. So it's decided: they're playing hookey. Of course, they have to say this right as Principal Wartz is passing by so they have to pretend they meant "hockey" instead. Complete with the oh so convincing dialogue, "No, no, we, uh said... hockey! Yeah, hockey!" For once, can someone on a kids' TV show lie like a normal person would?

And does anyone actually exhale through their lips while wiping invisible sweat odd their foreheads when they get away with a lie?

The next day, after the bus leaves, "Grandpa" calls the school to report that Arnold is too sick with malaria to come in. Nevermind the fact that malaria is virtually non-existent in the United States (Wartz would have to be (is) an idiot to believe that), but it's enough to get Arnold off the hook.
Arnold does a spot-on Grandpa voice, though I think it would have been more enjoyable if Arnold's voice actor, Phillip Van Dyke, attempted to do Dan Castellaneta's Grandpa voice.

So, the first thing Arnold and Gerald do is hit up Dinoland.

The boys have the time of their lives riding rollercoasters, eating junk food, and puking after every ride. But when they spot one of the school janitors Wartz is in cahoots with, they go incognito.

We didn't necessarily need the exposition about how much of a snitch this guy is, but we need some kind of explanation as to why Arnold and Gerald can no longer be at the park. I wonder how much money Arnold and Gerald blew on those park tickets. What did they do, just go on one ride? Besides, even if this guy is a snitch, it's unlikely he'd notice Arnold and Gerald there, especially if he's never seen them before. Whatever. Park money: wasted.

Okay, now this just doesn't make any sense. Arnold and Gerald just buy tickets to a baseball game and walk right in? And they get unbelievably great seats? Even with over twenty thousand people in the stands?!

20,000 people seems like an awful lot for midday on a weekday. Do these people not have jobs?

Excuse my ignorance, but don't sports tickets need to be purchased in advance? I know the hockey tickets my boyfriend and his mom get are bought weeks in advance, so this doesn't make sense. And what the hell kind of coincidence is it that Arnold and Gerald just so happen to end up on the jumbotron in plain view?!

When I went to the Islanders vs. Senators game last Wednesday, I was on the jumbotron for a second. In the corner. My first time being on the jumbotron in the handful of times I was at an Islanders game. Perhaps it's because Arnold and Gerald are kids that they ended up in the highlights, but it's still a damn coincidence they were captured. This episode has so many ex machinas, they'll have to make this episode Ex Machina's literal definition sequel.

And now that Arnold and Gerald were spotted, they must abandon the game. More money has been wasted. Let's see--that's about $50 each for Dinoland tickets, $50 each for baseball tickets, $15 for food and drinks... where are Arnold and Gerald getting all this money?!

So, now Arnold and Gerald decide to do something more inconspicuous--see Buddy Love Goes Coconuts. Since I was just talking about sequels, is this a joke spinoff to The Nutty Professor?

Do I even have to mention the army man in the previews telling the audience to "Stay in school"? Just... we get it, writers. That message will be going in my Lessons Learned section momentarily.

So, who are we going to run into this time where Arnold and Gerald will have to sneak away from?

"Oh, look, it's Buddy Love! And he's going coconuts! A-heh-heh-heh-heh!" - Oskar

All Arnold and Gerald had to do was stay quiet and... ugh, forget it. I'm starting to think these two don't want to enjoy their "day off" from school because they feel too guilty.

The boys decide to don disguises and drink Yahoo soda on the street, but as a throwback from the first episode, they are mistaken for soda bandits (instead of crack dealers) by some idiot cops who can't tell the difference from nine-year-old kids and full-grown men. Man, I wish this show could have stayed as edgy as the first episode.

The cops take them downtown and keep them on the bench. Arnold and Gerald agree to stop with this hookey bullshit and just go back to school. And then, of course, the cops set the boys free because the real bandits were caught. And they actually look like older versions of Arnold and Gerald. Oh, the coincidence!

Again, HOW DO THE COPS MISTAKE NINE-YEAR-OLD BOYS FOR FULL-GROWN MEN?!

Whatever, man. Let's just move on.

Arnold and Gerald run back to school to confess their involvement in downtown shenanigans, only to discover that they missed their school's "Surprise Carnival Day." Yay! More coincidences!

Wow, Just wow. I would have just thrown myself off one of the kiosks there. Not because of the fact that Arnold and Gerald skipped out on school for nothing and missed out on a day of fun, but because the lesson, "Don't skip school" is hammered in so hard that I'm getting a headache.

But really, though, I've never seen a moral beaten into the audience as badly as this one. Good grief, it's school. It's not like you're skipping out on jury duty.



Lessons Learned From These Episodes: stay away from people like Sid; you should feel ashamed of yourself for giving in to someone who insists on being your personal slave for life even after you told them to stop; I'm not repeating myself--you can figure out the second episode's moral.