S1, E20: "Arnold's Valentine"

My favorite thing about these half-hour Hey Arnold! specials is that they end up being the best episodes of the series. There is not one half-hour episode of Hey Arnold! I dislike. Not one. Perhaps the reason why these are so good is because there is more time to flesh out the story. Of course, that's not to say you can't fuck up a half-hour episode of a cartoon (see my top 5 worst episode list from As Told by Ginger: Reviewed!), but in the Hey Arnold! universe, it's impossible. In my opinion, they've all been fantastic episodes. It makes me wonder, if these half-hour episodes turn out so well, why wasn't the entire series run this way?

If I were to write a cartoon for Nickelodeon, they'd all be half-hour episodes. I'm not very good at writing super-condensed stories, anyway. Even my creative writing professor said I'm better at writing longer pieces. I must be destined for writing dramas like the Sopranos or Dawson's Creek. Actually, I think Dawson's Creek is a melodrama. Whatever.

So, with two weeks away until everyone's favorite Hallmark holiday, let's review "Arnold's Valentine"!



P.S. 118 is decked out in pink hearts, cupids, and condoms because, wahey, it's almost Valentine's Day! I'm surprised the school allows decorations, since every holiday seems to be "offensive" to someone somewhere. Arnold has them heart eyes going on when Ruth McDougal walks past him--yes, that Ruth, who's totally oblivious to the fact he even exists.

Ms. Slovak announces that the class is going to be making their own valentines for "someone special." Gee, I wonder who Arnold is going to write his out to...

Is there any cartoon character who isn't left-handed?

One kid pipes up and is like, "Ms. Slovak, what if we've never been in love before?" to which Ms. Slovak replies flatly, "Then you'd be me." Poor woman.

Meanwhile, Helga struggles to write the perfect valentine for Arnold. I totally get it--being stuck in that emotional purgatory where you want Arnold to know how you feel, but also would die if he found out how you feel is really tough. Honestly, Helga is putting so much unnecessary pressure on herself to keep her love for Arnold a secret that it isn't worth it.

Arnold crafts a delightful card for Ruth, asking her to meet him at the Chez Pierre restaurant for dinner, signing it "Anonymous." Yeah, he basically asks her out on a blind date. And to a stereotypically French restaurant! Why am I not surprised? Why is Pierre the default name for anything French? There are other French names and words to use. If Arnold wanted to take Ruth to an Italian restaurant, would it be to Gli Spaghetti? Or how about to a cool Japanese restaurant? Tokyo Sushi. No, wait, that's the name of a real Sushi place. That's the name of my college's sushi place. No, wait, here's a better stereotypical restaurant: Prince Curry--the wonderful Indian restaurant complete with a complementary snake charming show and free bindis for everyone!

I wonder if in other countries there are stereotypically American restaurants in TV shows. I can imagine--Cheeseburger Eagle is what it would be called--decked out in American flags and cowboy hats. The National Anthem would play inside as ambiance music, and menu items such as "Heart Attack on a Stick," "Double cheeseburger" and the infamous "KFC donut burger" would be the daily specials. And each table would come with a shotgun, so when you "accidentally" shoot yourself with it, you can sue the restaurant! Man, this is fun. Isn't it fun to play with stereotypes?

Ms. Slovak starts handing out letters from everyone's international pen-pals. Helga gets a postcard from her pen-pal from a made-up Middle-Eastern country, Baghdakistan (I don't know what she actually said). This poor kid is starving to death and begging Helga for money. That's actually quite sad. Not to mention hits home for a lot of people in Baghdakistan.

They should combine all the countries that end in "stan" into one super country, called Stan. 

Ms. Slovak is about to hand Arnold his letter from his pen-pal Cecil from France, but the bell rings for recess, and she shoves it back into the sack until after recess. What the hell? You had it in your hand and held it out to him. Why not just give it to him? It'll only take a quarter of a second. Ah, but this lapse in logic is important, see, as it will advance the plot.

During recess, Arnold secretly slips his valentine to Ruth. Helga sits alone crying about how Arnold will never notice her, and figures she must do something to get him to realize her lust for him. Do you think this'll be the episode where Helga reveals how she really feels about Arnold? Of course not; it's much more fun to watch Helga jump through tiny, flaming hoops she set up herself--and that means writing (as Cecil) in Arnold's letter that she's planning on flying to the United States to visit Arnold and tell him something "very important" and to come alone to Chez Paris (another French restaurant) and not make any other plans. Damn, even for a child, this sounds like Helga plans on murdering Arnold.

Later, Arnold reads the letter. He's now in a bit of a pickle, as he's already made a date with Ruth at Chez Pierre, but is now informed that "Cecil" wants to meet him at Chez Paris. Coincidentally, these two restaurants are literally steps away from each other. Damn, I wonder what the Yelp reviews are like for those places. Can you imagine someone from Chez Pierre getting pissed at the quality of the food, and then stomping out to Chez Paris? Meanwhile someone does the exact same thing, stomping out of Chez Paris into Chez Pierre? Plus there's the whole competition thing where they have to make more "authentic" French food than the other place. Oh, it would be a mess. But a damn good strategy. And also, look at that view! It's gorgeous:

Arnold and Gerald plan this out--Arnold will meet Ruth at Chez Pierre, leave, and then meet Cecil at Chez Paris. He'll go back and forth between restaurants, you know, that whole "be two places at once without letting the other person know what you're doing" shtick.

Meanwhile, Helga puts on a really bad French language-learning cassette and lets it run in the background while she figures out how to make herself look "French." If we're going the stereotypical route, may I suggest a navy beret and a baguette under your hairy armpit?

Arnold realizes that he doesn't know a damn thing about Ruth, except that she's drop-dead gorgeous, and Gerald makes a very good point that Arnold is going to have a hell of a time maintaining a conversation with her if all he knows is that she has "auburn hair" drooping over her "milky, white shoulders." Ruth's hair is brown, for one thing. Auburn is reddish.

Helga goes into a dog grooming salon, thinking it's a human salon, and asks the stylist to give her a French frou-frou hairstyle. Oh, this should be entertaining!

Arnold rehearses what he plans on saying to Ruth, you know, why he feels the way he does, and Gerald cries because Arnold's sentiment was so beautiful. Yeah, giving up a bus seat to an old lady with a watermelon certainly is charming! Altruistic, yes, but I think Arnold is getting way in over his head here.

Want to see Helga's new 'do?

Yes, yes, hardy-har-har, she looks like a poodle. I wonder why the stylist didn't say anything, like "This is a dog salon" while he was styling her hair. I guess he figured Helga was going to pay him to make her look like a dog, so he just shrugged it off. You know, you don't have to go to a French-sounding salon to get a French-looking hairstyle. Just look online or in magazines, get a style there, and boom. Hell, even a French braid would have sufficed.

As Arnold prepares to meet his dates, Helga is at home working on her makeup. Ooh, considering the sleepover episode where Helga made herself look like a trashy whore, I can't wait to see how she's going to doll herself up this time.

Huh. Actually, not that bad! Granted, I want to know what she's putting under her clothes to give herself teenage curves (no way are those natural on a nine-year-old!) but it's definitely not trashy like her sleepover makeover. I'd just like to see how she's going to fool Arnold into thinking she's Cecil. I mean, while Helga does look pretty, there's no way Arnold is going to completely miss the fact that it's Helg--

Holy baguette and butter! Cecil really is coming to surprise Arnold?! Nevermind the fact that her parents are allowing their nine-year-old daughter to take a flight from France to the States to meet him, but is Helga psychic? That's some incredible coincidence. Oh, and look, Cecil has the navy beret all French people seem to wear.

Arnold is waiting for "Cecil" inside Chez Paris, and "she" shows up. How in the hell does Arnold not recognize that's Helga?! The voice, the height, the giant eyes and pig-tailed blonde hair... even if Arnold had no idea Helga would even be within 50 miles of this restaurant, HOW CAN HE NOT SEE IT'S HER?!

I bet Arnold wouldn't recognize Superman if he threw on some glasses and a suit.

Well, Arnold at least says there's something familiar about Cecil, but the fact that she looks, sounds, and even has the same damn bow as Helga doesn't tip him off for one second. He even has the real Cecil's picture in his pocket, a short brunette with a beret, and merely thinks Cecil just looks a bit "different." God damn it, Arnold! Go to the eye doctor! And have them check for colorblindness, too!

So, this very highfalutin waiter comes by to take their order. Arnold, unaware that he's in a FRENCH restaurant that only serves FRENCH food, tries to order a hamburger, and the customers in the restaurant turn to stare at him in complete, utter shock. Yes, because a nine-year-old ordering a hamburger in a fancy restaurant is so unheard of. And then the waiter sticks his nose in the air, suggesting that Arnold should order steak tartar instead, and gets real snooty when Arnold tries to tell him how he wants it cooked. Seriously? What a rude ass waiter. Just because he wanted a burger, you get all snooty? Ass. He praises "Cecil" when she orders something she can barely pronounce, let alone understand, and basically patronizes Arnold that he has no taste. Fuck off! I sincerely hope Arnold doesn't leave this guy a tip of any kind, except maybe a middle finger to his face.

While "Cecil" rambles on, Arnold spots Ruth out the window and rushes over to Chez Pierre to walk her to an empty table.

How is it that kids in this universe are able to go everywhere and anywhere without their parents?

Meanwhile, Gerald is sitting in between both restaurants guiding Arnold, and he notices "Cecil" has been sitting alone a bit too long, so he ushers Arnold to get his rump back to Chez Paris. It's actually quite funny because Ruth doesn't even realize that Arnold is her "Anonymous" date, and thinks he's a busboy. Well, with the way he's acting, asking if she wants water, guiding her to a table, I would have thought so, too. After Arnold leaves, another busboy shows up (this one has a Brooklyn accent for some reason), and Ruth starts to get a bit confused.

Arnold rushes back to Chez Paris and lies about the long bathroom line, though I don't know why when realistically he probably was only gone for a minute and a half. "Cecil" cuts right to the chase and asks Arnold if there's anyone in his class who he digs, and for some reason, Arnold mentions Helga, following it up with the fact that she "bugs" him. This just might be a flaw in the script, but "Cecil" asked if Arnold liked anyone in his class. Since Arnold said that Helga bugs him, why would he even mention her at all? I think it has something to do with "Cecil" reminding Arnold so much of Helga, and that Helga just might be on his mind at the moment.

The food comes out. Arnold's steak tartar looks delicious, and "Cecil" gobbles down whatever the hell she ordered, which is actually revealed to be cow brains and eggs. What a culture shock!

Hey, it's no different than eating any other part of the cow... I think.

While Helga runs off to puke up her dinner, Arnold uses this window of opportunity to rush back to Ruth. Arnold reveals that he's not the busboy like Ruth believed, and continues to beat around the bush as to who he really is. Ruth still believes "Anonymous" is going to show up, and being as brain dead as the cow brains Helga is puking up in the bathroom across the street, Ruth doesn't realize that "Anonymous" is a word people use to hide their identity. Perhaps Arnold should have signed his real name. Maybe then we would get to learn his last name. Honestly, does she really think "Anonymous," the guy Ruth thinks is the author of all the poems in her English class is the same guy who asked her out to dinner? What a dumbass.

As Helga saunters back to the table, Arnold is in a bored daze, half-listening to Ruth's boring as all fuck stories about hair clips. It looks like Arnold has finally seen Ruth's true colors. Beautiful as she may be (though I still think she could be his sister or something since they look so similar), Ruth's personality is bland, boring, and completely unlike anything Arnold could have imagined. Not that I think sixth grade girls are like this, but what did Arnold honestly expect? Especially from a girl he didn't know? Did he think he would be able to discuss existentialism or social satire or, hell, alien lifeforms with an eleven-year-old girl? He honestly shouldn't be that disappointed that the supposed girl of his dreams turned out to be a total bore. He's never even had so much as a conversation with her, so for him to have any preconceived expectations about Ruth based on her beauty alone, well, that's pretty much Arnold's fault.

Gerald alerts Arnold that "Cecil" has returned and is looking around for him, so Arnold runs back into Chez Paris, flowers in hand, trips, falls, and awkwardly offers them to "Cecil."

I've noticed that while Helga was puking, her frou-frou hairdo has fallen into a more natural state, and she actually looks really pretty with her hair like that.

Her unibrow is now only barely noticeable.

Arnold is so upset finding out that Ruth is so not his type after all. He kind of projects his disappointment on "Cecil," turning his issue into a rhetorical statement along the lines of, "I thought I liked someone, but once I got to know her, I realized I didn't actually like her at all." See, this is why it's important to get to know those who you like, and why that most famous cliche--what's on the inside matters most--rings so, so true. Outside beauty is just a nice bonus. It's actually really good that Arnold is learning this lesson so young, because this is something most people don't learn until they're about 18.

And it happens to so many people. They watch shows like this and go, "Yeah, yeah, the lesson is the inside is what counts, not the outside," and then go to school the next day to make googly eyes at the hottie in front of them, scared shitless to make conversation with them fearing rejection, and yet they don't know a thing about them. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say I've never fallen victim to this--it's human nature to feel attraction towards someone's beauty. And there's nothing wrong with it. But if all you're going to do is stare at them and not do anything to get to know them or at least have a single uninterrupted conversation with them, why fawn over them in the first place (this, of course, is null and void when it comes to celebrities or other people you have no chance with)? Your dream face could have a nightmare personality, and it's part of the reason why so many people get hurt.

Okay, enough of my ranting. "Cecil" is so inspired by Arnold's newfound view of romance that she takes a chance and asks if he likes her as much as she likes him. Arnold is about to answer, but remembers that he left Ruth outside with the Brooklyn busboy, and runs out there to clear things up.

"So, do you like gum?" - Busboy
"Yeah." - Ruth
"Me too. I love gum." - Busboy
"Do you like my hair?" - Ruth
"Yeah, I like your hair." - Busboy
"Me too!" - Ruth

Apparently, the way to Ruth's heart is a love for gum, her hair, breadsticks, and ice cream. Who would've guessed?

Helga spots Arnold talking to Ruth outside, and then stomps over (as Cecil) to demand what's going on. Arnold finally reveals that he had two dates set up, and then "Cecil" in a comedic, ironic twist says that she can't stand when people aren't honest about who they are. Obvious joke is obvious.

And then HOLY BALLS, the real Cecil shows up!

Helga lost her womanly curves. Where did they go? Did she flush them down the toilet along with the cow brains?

How the hell did Cecil find Arnold? Like, I guess she knew what city he lives in, but how did she know the exact address of where he lives? Did Arnold give her his address? The way Cecil managed to track Arnold down all by herself (of course, without her parents' help) is scary. And yeah, Grandpa may have told Cecil exactly where Arnold was, but how did Cecil manage to find the exact restaurant where he was at, in a city completely unfamiliar to her? This is just incredibly bizarre... and once again SCARY.

It seems as though the universe is about to explode due to all the confusion, until Gerald swoops in like the hero he is, poses as Arnold, and offers to take the real Cecil out for a hamburger. Damn! If Gerald isn't the smoothest wingman on the face of this planet, I don't know who is.

So, now it's just Arnold and "Cecil" alone, and you'd think this would be the moment where Arnold finally figures out that his intuitions were right, that it really is Helga behind all that makeup and the flop of hair in front of her left eye, but he's still completely ignorant. How, I really don't know, but it's true. Jesus, it's not like Helga is wearing a mask and changed her voice--there is virtually no difference between "Cecil" and Helga except for her hair being down.

"Cecil" keeps insisting that she can't tell Arnold who she really is, though at this point, wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity for Helga to reveal herself? She's all alone, Arnold seemingly likes her, and Helga is at her most vulnerable. She has no reason to belittle, bully, or beat on Arnold for any reason whatsoever. Truthfully, if Arnold did realize that it's Helga, she would definitely cover her ass by claiming it was a prank she pulled in order to humiliate Arnold. Whether or not Arnold would believe her is up to him.

Regardless of Arnold basically going on a "blind date" (interpret that as you will) he says it was one of the best nights he's ever had. And then he kisses "Cecil" on the hand before she walks off. Aww!

Once Arnold is out of earshot, Helga gushes over the fact that Arnold actually likes her. Well, her as the fake Cecil. And just when you thought Helga was about to cream her panties, too. What does all this mean? If Helga were to behave just as she did tonight, Arnold probably would have liked her from the get-go.

And as Arnold walks into the boarding house, he stops, looks up into the sky (still holding one of "Cecil's" shoes for some reason), and wonders who this mystery girl could possibly be. If only you knew, Arnold. If only you knew...

Lessons Learned From This Episode: the cliche is true--it's what's on the inside that matters, not the outside; don't pretend to be someone else