S1, E18: "False Alarm" / "World Records"

Happy Sunday, everyone! We've got a pair of good episodes to review tonight.

"False Alarm"

The alternate title for this episode should be "12 Angry Kids."

Based off of one of my favorite old movies (which is also a play), "False Alarm" is a straight-up parody of the 1957 drama, 12 Angry Men. Episodes like these are what Hey Arnold! is famous for--compelling drama, humor, and a gripping story that can entertain kids without gross-outs and Michael Bay directed explosions.

Yikes! There's a fire in the school! And it's apparently so bad, this kid didn't even get a chance to wipe their hands off before pulling the alarm.

The kids run out of the building screaming their little heads off, but Principal Wartz tries to reassure them that it was a false alarm. Wow, that was mighty quick to figure that out. Sure, you may not have smelled smoke, but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this as false. Disregarding the fact that this is, indeed, a false alarm, Principal Wartz goes to investigate. He spots the peanut butter-covered alarm and tastes the remnants left behind on the handle--a smart man this is not, people. Did he even know that was peanut butter? He could be tasting shit for all we know.

He follows the peanut butter footprint trail across the hall to a janitor's closet and finds Eugene sitting in there, holding a mop, and looking very guilty.

Okay, what's going on here? 

Wartz calls the entire school to trial in the cafeteria, and says that if Eugene is found guilty of pulling the fire alarm by the "jury"--which is made up of Arnold, Helga, Curly, Harold, Phoebe, and Gerald--he will be expelled. Eugene claims he didn't do it, which makes the entire room (sans Arnold, naturally) to explode into roaring laughter. I don't get why Eugene saying he is innocent is so funny, even if he looks guilty, but whatever. 

"Bye, Eagle Scouts." - Eugene

In the library, Arnold and his jury pals all vote on whether or not Eugene was guilty of pulling the fire alarm. Everyone except Arnold votes "guilty," which is rather unfair. We don't see much of what goes on during the "trial," since it's 90% composed of kids laughing and Eugene uttering, "I didn't do it," like Matilda Wormwood after inadvertently causing mischief with her telekinesis. 

So, just because Eugene was hiding in a janitor's closet with footprints leading up to that door, he's guilty? It does sound suspicious, but Arnold has reasons to believe that Eugene is innocent, much to everyone's, especially Helga's, skepticism.

Everyone just wants to get out of there already, really not giving a shit if Eugene gets expelled or not, which is pretty fucked up. These kids (except Arnold) are willing to ruin Eugene's life before it's even started just because they want to go home and sit in front of the TV with a bag of Oreos. Now, I don't know what happens after a kid gets expelled from school, but it can't be good. Arnold is right to give Eugene a fair trial--and with all the bad luck this kid gets, who knows what'll happen to him if he's barred from school?

Helga looks to Harold to go over the evidence. There's a gag about him being hungry, so Helga slides a banana over to him and Harold tells the story. He recites a "testification" from some character "Squeaky Peterson" (did he mean big-nosed, lanky Stinky Peterson? No? Okay.) who watched Eugene walk past the fire alarm with an armload of books and stereotypically nerdy glasses, fingers covered in peanut butter.

Harold begins rambling, and his story isn't really making much sense, and I guess we're not supposed to take it seriously because Harold then starts choking on his banana, leading to Helga literally kicking him in the ass to dislodge the piece from his throat. Ahem, kids' cartoon?

Once that's out of the way, Helga paraphrases Harold's drawn-out story and concludes that Eugene hiding in the closet with peanut butter all over his hands and the alarm is proof enough that he is guilty. However, Arnold is still not convinced, and wishes to look at each piece of evidence at a time. Helga throws her hands in the air, wishing death to Arnold if this stalling will make her miss Wrestlemania. Damn, Helga is a beast.

Phoebe gives her notes on the crime, stating that the peanut butter found on the fire alarm handle is the same kind of peanut butter Eugene eats, and there were a pair of glasses found a few feet from the alarm. His glasses, I guess, though it's strange considering Eugene never wore glasses prior to this episode. Eugene's peanut butter-covered sandals and his stubby Wankyland pencil (ha ha...wank) were also found outside the janitor's closet. All this evidence is strangely convenient.

"I didn't go into teaching to deal with this shit."

Those two other teachers, though, they weren't there when Wartz was investigating the scene. We just saw him standing alone not five minutes ago.

Gerald then tells his side of what he believes happened--that klutzy Eugene pulled the fire alarm with peanut butter-covered hands, and while fleeing the scene of the crime, accidentally locked himself in the janitor's closet. The locking himself in the closet does sound like classic Eugene, but like Arnold, I am also unconvinced that this squirrelly little nut would do something so dangerous.

Helga yells at Arnold for continuing to waste their time, and then Arnold tells his version of what he believes happened. He thinks someone may have distracted Eugene when he was eating lunch by shouting, "Hey, Melvin!" and then taking a finger full of peanut butter from Eugene's sandwich. Now, that's just nonsensical.

But the loose ends start to tie together when Arnold thinks that Eugene may have tripped in the hallway, dropping his glasses, while some kid--who is strangely dressed a lot like Curly--helps him to his feet.

And then Eugene was pushed into the janitor's closet after the alarm was pulled. In other words, Eugene was framed.

But one piece of evidence is consistent in everyone's version of the story--the Wankyland pencil.

Because Eugene is constantly getting into accidents, he was banned from the Wankyland theme park for tripping and causing the Thanksgiving Day parade to crash. Damn, how the hell did Eugene manage to do that?! Thus, there was no way Eugene could own a Wankyland pencil, since he wouldn't have been there. So, the pencil had to be someone else's. 

Wait a minute--Eugene could have had that pencil for years. He could have also borrowed it from someone else. Aha, he did! But who? Because the camera keeps cutting back to Curly, looking more and more guilty, it's revealed that Curly is the culprit in this condiment catastrophe, and that Eugene is innocent. The tension builds up that whoever framed Eugene has a strong vendetta against him, someone who was set out to destroy him. Someone... someone... someone...

Curly, in a desperate plea for freeing himself from the clutches of lies, reveals that he was the one who pulled the fire alarm and framed Eugene. Why? Because when Curly lent him the pencil three months, two weeks, and four days ago (oddly precise timing!) it was returned with teeth marks all over it and was sharpened down to a stub. The fuck?!

He bemoans ever lending the pencil to Eugene, imagining him as this madman set out to destroy his beloved pencil, and giving it back in its shoddy condition like it was "no big deal."

Holy flame-broiled balls. Curly is a psychopath. 

Granted, Eugene probably shouldn't have chewed on it and sharpened it down to the stub, especially since it wasn't his pencil, but that's besides the point. Why the fuck is Curly so obsessed over this pencil? Yes, it was a souvenir from Wankyland, which he could get again next time he goes, but if it means that much to him, why the hell did he lend that specific one out in the first place?

And in a fit of vengeance, he decided to get revenge by framing Eugene for pulling the fire alarm, an act that would certainly expel him.

Holy flame-broiled balls. Curly is a psychopath.

The look on everyone's faces is priceless. You'll have to see it for yourself. And so, the jury declares Eugene innocent and Curly guilty, much to the cheers of the school. And yet they were laughing hysterically at Eugene before when he told them he was innocent.

And so, Wartz walks Curly down to the psychiatric hospital, I'm sure, while Curly cackles with delight over pulling the alarm. And then he freaking does it five more times! 

Little scumbag. I hope you're banned from Wankyland!

"World Records"

Arnold and his prepubescent pals crows around a Guinness World Record book and read wide-eyed in amazement at all the records that have been set. 2,000 chocolate chips in a single cookie? How big was this cookie? Or, how small were these chocolate chips?

Naturally, Helga comes along and takes the piss out of everyone's fun by mocking the world records as if they were taken seriously in the first place. What a bitch. Here, Helga, take this lamp to help you lighten up a little.

After everyone but Gerald leaves, Arnold putzes around saying how wrong Helga is for not taking these mundane achievements seriously, and wants him and Gerald to break a record so they can be listed into the book as well.

So, Arnold and Gerald try walking backwards as far as they can (a mile) to break the record for longest distance walked backwards. Man, how often is this "walking backwards" record going to be attempted on shows with a world record episode?

Be more creative; try riding a unicycle backwards.

Unfortunately, some deranged woman already shattered that record into dust by walking 8,000 miles from Santa Monica, California to Istanbul, Turkey--according to the world record book. Technically, it's only about 6,700 miles, but going onto ferries, walking around difficult geography, and taking many different pathways could realistically add up to 8,000 miles. 

Arnold and Gerald attempt many different kinds of records, to no avail. Again, why is it so tempting for Arnold to get his name into the world record book?

Sid and Harold suggest that Arnold and Gerald should try to break records for easy things, like longest days without bathing. It's said as a joke, but Arnold and Gerald actually take it seriously. I don't know how many days they've gone, but it looks like it's been months. And no one likes smelling their boy stank.

Helga comes by to piss on their fun again, discouraging the boys from attempting records ever again. At least by themselves. So, they enlist all their classmates to help them.

First off, they attempt to build the world's largest kid pyramid. Okay, whose idea was it to stick Eugene on the bottom?

Next is the longest game of "Crack the Whip." Eugene pukes, trips, and crashes into trash cans, breaking their chain.

And then, I guess, they attempt to create the world's largest hospital bill by fitting as many kids as possible on one bike and riding it down a hill. As they're rolling uncontrollably down the hill, they smack right into Eugene. Okay, that one was Eugene's fault for not looking where he was going.

Harold tells everyone they can suck a big dick, and goes off to set his own world record. Brainy follows him in his quest, I guess because Helga isn't there for him to stalk.

Helga, for the third time this episode (she's really pissing me off now), complains about how stupid Arnold is for trying to break a record, and that he's just an average kid with no useful skills. Arnold tells Helga that isn't true, that everyone has their own secret talent--like Stinky who can roll tight sleeping bags, Phoebe who knows Italian sauces, and Gerald... who can chop things with keys. Weee.

Arnold then gets the idea to combine all these useless talents into something they can all do, Rolling things, knowing things, chopping things. Well, looks like it's time to make a pizza puff!

Meanwhile, Harold enlists Brainy to collect quarters from people to ride a mechanical pony ride for as long as he can. Wow, that's... that's dumb,

Back at the boarding house, everyone gets to work on making the pizza puff.

Why isn't Sid wearing any pants?

And so, it begins to cook:

Gerald hopes that they put enough baking soda so it will rise, and Phoebe mentions that 150 teaspoons should be plenty enough. But then Sid gets all nervous and confused, thinking TSP stood, instead, for "ten square pounds." Holy hot Helena of Hungary--

After the pizza puff is done exploding and getting random splotches of sauce on everyone's clothes, Arnold and Gerald finally admit that they are mere average city kids after all who aren't skilled or bored enough to break a world record... until Arnold suddenly gets an idea. He runs off to write a letter, leaving the big, ole mess of sauce, vegetables, and dough for everyone else to clean up. Wouldn't it have been funny if someone shouted, "Arnold, get your plaid ass back over here and help us clean up this mess!"

Sometime later, Arnold receives a letter in the mail from the people who write up the world record book saying that they're going to put all the kids in the next issue of the book for attempting the most world records. Uh, how? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of delegate to witness all these attempted records? Arnold can just say he and all the kids attempted all these fancy records without anyone confirming them? In that case, hey, Guinness Book of World Records people! I broke a record for most consecutive facepalms watching a single episode of Hey Arnold! Put me in your next issue, please!

So, everyone's happy because they're going to be famous for being desperate. Hmm... sounds a lot like many Hollywood celebrities.

Funny thing is, Helga is suddenly happy. The prospect of being famous brings her much joy, meanwhile all this time she was skeptical about the entire thing. Again--what a bitch.




Lessons Learned From These Episodes: anyone is guilty until proven innocent by a very determined, wise child; you can now get into the book of world records by writing a letter to Guinness and saying you attempted every record in the book.